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Original poster

Is obedience to "The Look" based on fear?

22 replies

morningpaper · 03/04/2007 19:57

In Oblomov's discussion on discipline, JustUsTwo wrote: "I'd suggest the reason you didn't push it is that way back beyond when you actually can remember, she implemented some form of discipline, whether it was withdrawal of attention, smacking or something else, that you didn't like and didn't want to be repeated.

That's why you behaved - not just 'because'."

Is JustUsTwo correct? Does The Look require a history of previous Awful Punishments?

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booge · 03/04/2007 19:59

No, just the threat of an awful punishment the unknown is so much worse than the expected.

harpsichordcarrier · 03/04/2007 20:01

hmmmmm.
yes, I think that obedience to the look is based on fear. what that fear is, could be different. my mother did smack on occasion, but the Fear was broader than that - fear of withdrawal of approval, disappointment etc.
tbh it isn't something I would like to replicate in my own family. it isn't a pleasant climate and it isn't the kind of relationship I want with my children. I certainly thought that it was possible that my behaviour could result in withdrawal of love, or that love was dependent on behaviour.
I am not saying it has to be like that, just reporting my experience

Blandmum · 03/04/2007 20:01

Not really,.

In school I use 'The quiet voice that scares people mummy' as dd puts it. That just needs total conviction and the hint of menace to it. I don't have to have done anything to the kid in the past. In my experience the quieter the better as well. And you say it, and then walk away.

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RustyBear · 03/04/2007 20:03

I have a 'Look'(over the top of my glasses) that I use at school to stop children in the IT suite from talking when I'm about to tell them something. As far as I can remember I've never inflicted any Awful Punishments so it presumably I just look terrifying.....

Soapbox · 03/04/2007 20:04

It could be fear of the withdrawal of approval (which to a child feels like the withdrawal of love), or it could be fear of a more traditional punishment (physical or not). TBH in someways I see the former as being more damaging than the latter - the withdrawal of unconditional love and approval! The implicit 'Mummy will no longer love you if you continue to do that'[shudder]

I would certainly say that it is a fearful reaction though.

Califrau · 03/04/2007 20:04

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Soapbox · 03/04/2007 20:06

Sometimes the 'look' is merely a recognition that they have been caught in the act! So I might say 'ahem' and give a look, when I've noticed DS doing a slight bit of pinching to his sister. It isn't necessarily threatening in itself, but it does let him know that I have seen him misbehaving!

ScottishThistle · 03/04/2007 20:07

I've used the look on most of my charges & I think it worked because they feared withdrawal of a favourite toy, no treats but it hasn't worked on all of them!

Sometimes I speak very slowly & that can also work!

ScummyMummy · 03/04/2007 20:11

I went through a phase of trying to perfect the look. We practiced for ages and the boys would say "Ready steady GO!" and I'd produce THE LOOK. And they would piss themselves laughing. Rubbish. I can only do the look proper if I'm furious beyond belief, which is thankfully very rare- it's never a conscious look, more a reflection of pure rage.

Blandmum · 03/04/2007 20:14

thats where 'the voice' comes in. easier to act with your voice than your face in my experience, unless you are Marcel Marseud (sp?)

puddle · 03/04/2007 20:15

I can't do The Look. I do say to my two though 'look, I am getting cross now and I have about this much (gesture with finger and thumb) patience left so can you please ...get your shoes/ stop jumping on your sister etc etc".

It does work with them - they are 7 and 4.

My mum describes my grandad silencing her on a regular basis with The Look, even after she had left home (and was married).

NadineBaggott · 03/04/2007 20:19

"Does The Look require a history of previous Awful Punishments?"

I don't think it does. Some people (and its great when teachers have it!) have a natural air of authority. You just know they're not going to take any messing, it doesn't always stop bad behaviour though.

MrsApron · 03/04/2007 20:19

That is not really the look though soapbox, the look is a dreadful thing. It used to make me feel utterly deflated worried like i had let her down and i was not worthy. Pretty hideous really.

Shamed that is the word i am looking for.

Teenagers get angry when shamed at home I find. Matianbishops one probably works well because it isn't a public shaming.

FloatingNeedsAnEasterName · 03/04/2007 20:24

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Blandmum · 03/04/2007 20:26

MrsA I think it works because they don't get the positive publicity that they get if you yell at them! They often quite like that.

A quiet 'You can do that now or at lunch time, your choice' in their ear and softly walk away sorta deflates them

FloatingNeedsAnEasterName · 03/04/2007 20:27

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OrvilleRedenbacher · 03/04/2007 20:27

no not a history
jyst the diea of disapprovel
anwyay who cares?
if it works,...................

Pruni · 03/04/2007 20:29

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Pruni · 03/04/2007 20:29

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FloatingNeedsAnEasterName · 03/04/2007 20:31

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rachfran · 03/04/2007 20:36

I have the 'look' and it works well for my year 6 class. It is used, like soapbox says, to let them know I have caught them doing whatever and they know to stop.
However, my DD who is 22 months seems to be immune to it!

adath · 03/04/2007 20:41

Well I have a "look" and I am very anti smacking, attention withdrawal/love etc. (sound like Soapbox may have read Alfie Kohn) and dd will stop what she is doing but sp who is a very innefective "firmer" parent ie. he shouts dd laughs at him has never managed to stop her in her tracks with anything never mind "the look"

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