Feel like I'm always shouting at my kids

[junkfoodforever]

Hi
I have 2 kids 18mo & almost 3. I love them both so much & they give me so much joy. But it is tough.
I'm in this cycle of shouting at them & then feeling horrendously guilty & shameful. My younger kid is a whingy crier demanding kid & I just screamed at him to shut up. On Tues I shouted at the 2yo for making mess & made him jump.

My DH works away a lot. I am EXHAUSTED constantly. I have a demanding job. I have had a fair bit of stress this year. I know that all this has had an impact on me.

I often feel they'd be better without me around. I love them so much & used to enjoy being a mum & knew I was a good mum. But now the joy is being sucked out of me by how awful I feel.

Is it normal to shout?
How do I stop?

Please don't judge me. I have minimal family support & cant afford to pay for therapy.

You might have anxiety anger. Some people (ok me) when they suffer from anxiety get very angry very easily. They end up being very shouty and impatient. Self awareness is key. When i feel loved keshouting I just tell myself I'm not angry I'm anxious and I need to let everything go. And I do. Sure, everything goes to shit for a little while (my house was constantly messy until my eldest learned to tidy up after himself at age3) but at least I wasn't so unpleasant to be around.

Thanks tb. I constantly feel stressed & pressured & wonder whether there's some hormonal issues.
I do try & mentally prioritise. But in reality I just feel very alone & sometimes overwhelmed-feels like everything is my responsibility.
How do I hold back in the moment? Like right now I know I need to be different, but when something pushes my button how do I in that moment stop from shouting?
Ironically I'm not like this at all in any other area of my life. Which is worse really

I am not clear as to whether you occasionally shout ( none of us are saints ) in which case almost all the time you are not shouting and being positive with your children... or.... you are shouting regularly eg daily . If it is the latter you need to find a way of getting more support and giving yourself a mental break. You are still almost certainly being nice to your children almost all of the time but regular shouting at a baby would suggest to me that you are close to the end of your tether and need support/ friendship for yourself

Hi, I am in the same boat. Demanding job, husband who is not often hugely helpful, two small kids who fight constantly. I can be shouty when I am stressed about work which makes me feel massively guilty. I feel like I shoulder most of the responsibility in our marriage. My eldest started school this week but I have taken time off work to get him settled in. I have just put my foot down with my husband and told him that I am not willing to get the boys ready by myself every morning so he has been making the eldest his snacks for school and is going to be walking him to school after I drop them off in the village. I do all the driving and therefore have been doing all the nursery drop offs and pick ups. How often is your husband away? It must be exhausting shouldering all of the responsibility yourself.

If you adopt an almost military style routine, write it up, stick it on the fridge, every time the children meet those expectations, they get a sticker or a little reward, it then become a 'game'. Kids love games. Kids love routine!
And you get some control back over your life. The best part of the new regimen is getting them into bath, bed and book mode for 7pm. They have a proper rest/sleep. You then have the evening to yourself which makes a massive difference.
You have to be firm, you have to be strong and insist on seeing it through. Children will respond because they feel very safe and very loved knowing what is going to happen routine wise in their little world.

I am the same :( Inclyding being calm and collected elsewhere in my life.
I have heard of anxiety anger and a lot rings true for me.

With regards to keeping a lid on it when you get angry, I found Peaceful Parent, Hapoy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham very useful. She does an online course too, which was great, but definitely worth just reading the book to start with.

Also, I've been trying to be overly positive with the kids and letting the smaller stuff go. It's bloody hard - but it has made a big difference to how Whitney they are which then makes them easier and nicer to be with.

Good luck.

Yep I feel very 'shouty too sometimes '..... thought it was just me. My 2 are similar ages - my eldest (3.5) has become very defiant, and naughty in the last few months. So much so sometimes he really really winds me up. I've been trying to remove him from situation, putting him on naughty step/ bedroom etc but at the minute nothing seems to work. He didn't have the 'terrible 2's' so it's quite new behaviour and I suppose I have wondered if it is normal behaviour too.
I've also had a rather stressful past year and tbh, looks like it's not getting much better in the future. But I always try and say it's not their fault, count to 10 and walk away to calm the situation. My DH works long shifts so quite often I can be on my own with them for 12-14 hours at a time.

I'm in the same boat. I'm sorry I have no advice, I'm hoping someone else does though so I can take it on board too!

I can't recommend the book Calmer Happier Easier Parenting enough. Although the title is
I feel like its helped me a lot, managing expectations and figuring out ways to proceed that I can manage and help me to not be constantly blowing my top.

1. have some time alone.

2. exercise every other day. Endorphins work wonders

3. get to bed early regularly

4. get the kids out of the house when you're stressed. Go to the park even if it's raining.

5. list household tasks and split them.

6. stream line your life. Get rid of excess stuff and staying tidy will be easier

7. pretend you're being watched by a camera crew. It will help you rethink your approach.

8. walk away instead of shouting. Go make a cuppa

9. ignore the mess. Accept and lower your standards

10. be close, use eye contact and names and jolly the kids along. Be silly. Have fun.

Thank you Gooseberry. That is such good advice. It all sounds so simple yet would make so much sense. I've taken a screenshot of your list!

Also thank you Dolly. I'll have a look at that book

I tried walking away earlier for two minutes. DC had filled his nappy again, and I was just about to sit down for five minutes.
Decanted into the kitchen to wipe the highchair and calm down, and the nappy leaked over the cream carpet.

A TV crew would have dived for cover.

I'm struggling to control my fuse when I'm sleep deprived. I'm too bloody tired to exercise. Three hours sleep a night is not enough.
I'm in bed already, but castigating myself over my grumpiness this weekend.

Pity whinge over.

Calmer Happier Parenting is good. Goose's list looks very wise also.

Bloody hell Vonklump are you living my life?

I try to walk away to calm down but am invariably followed by one or both DCs.
I would love to take some time out to do an exercise class but when? I struggle to fit everything into my day as it is (and my standards are already much-lowered), and DH has recently decided to take up cycling so that further reduces my free time as I'm stuck at home whilst he's out. Even if by some miracle I found a regular slot which coincided with a suitable class, I'm not sure where the energy would come from TBH. I get out with the kids every day and have an active job so I stay fit ish but it's not the same as time out to exercise.
I try to go to bed early, but it's often a balancing act with giving myself a bit of free headspace without demands being made of me. Without that space I feel like my time is entirely spent either asleep or skivvying for the kids, making me even grumpier and shouty. Plus by the time everything is done at the end of the day I'm not sure it'd count as much of an early night anyway!
My DH does what he can to help, but he works long hours. He's taken on the cycling as long hours in a sedentary job has make him overweight, which in turn has made him miserable and has/will affect his health, so I don't begrudge him the time but it does lump more in my direction. We don't have family help either unfortunately.
I am desperate to streamline the house, but when?!

I know it's because I'm so tired (both from night wakings and the days being so full on) as when I rarely get a few easy days with coinciding good nights I'm happier/calmer/more patient. So once the exhaustion improves things will be better but I feel so guilty in the meantime. I feel like I'm pushing the DCs away and missing a chunk of a golden time I'll never get back. I'm working very hard on improving the nights, but it's slow progress due to DH 'helping' to give me a break but refusing to keep the routine consistent. The days I have no idea how to make less tiring, other than wait it out.

Sorry I don't have advice OP, but you're not alone and I sympathise.
I will check out the books and read up on anxiety anger, I've not heard of it before.

Sounds ridiculous but before I shout I close my eyes and imagine the children grown up, leaving home and coming home to an empty quiet house and then weigh up if it's worth the argument. 90% of the time it isn't!

Thanks everyone. Your posts have been lovely-no judgement & it makes me feel heaps better to know others are the same.
Thanks for the tips. Always nice to be reminded of self care.
I do exercise, justs do YouTube videos while kids eat brekky. Which can be the cause of the shouting when I have to stop 15times cos they're calling me!
Early to bed-generally I do but like everyone else there's not enough hours in the day to get stuff done.
I'm gonna try just walking out of the room when I feel I'm gonna blow. See if that helps. The realisation that I'm not like this to other people plus my 2yo mentioning my shouting has horrified me. Tho I was already horrified tbh.
How do people find these calm parenting books? I'm very aware that calm parents = calm kids so I put even more guilt on myself that I'm shouty, plus I also feel the kids are probably stroppy cos I am. GUILT SHAME GUILT SHAME! so the books sometimes make me feel worse.
Do they give you practical tips?

Found the books probably from here. I'm not sure anyone would describe me as calm. They more give me a strategy to hang my parenting on, and ways to improve things. And it delays the time taken for me to blow my top.

Skankingpiglet

Feeling the same guilt over being a shouty parent at the moment so following this thread. Trying mindfulness to see if that may work.

I'm soooo pleased it's not just me in this situation. I can relate to something in each post. I feel so awful for being shouty and it is good to know others feel the same. I think I will look into the books. Fingers crossed calmer, happy mummy - and kids soon ....

I have been in the same boat. I rarely shout now but do raise a firm voice but what stopped me blowing my lid is when my DD (2.5) started shouting at her little sister. Could have been unrelated but it could have been picked up from me. And what's the point in me telling her not to shout if I shout?! So that has massively helped.

Funnily enough I sometimes pretend a camera man is filming! And I thought I was crazy..!

Good luck OP.

Meditation before anyone is up

If you are asking for help - that makes you a good parent. I shout when I am tired and stressed - it is not really about the kids at all, more a feeling of powerlessness and rage at the stress of being in a situation Im not enjoying and don't feel I have control over.

if you shout a lot - yes you need to stop - lets not pretend it's okay - can you ask your local childrens centre about a parenting course - or your GP? The 3 P parenting model is one they do in our area.

When I want to shout I force myself to take a deep breath - count to ten - it sounds banal but it does work - remember and remind yourself that shouting will make YOU feel worse - it will not solve anything in the situation around you.

I tend to turn the TV on for the kids if Im getting shouty - I think tv is better for them than shouting !

A 3 yr old and 1yr old are not going to learn a single thing through being shouted at - they are just behaving normally. Give yourself a break though - it is really hard work parenting alone with partner away.

I would try to ensure you get the space you need - could you get a local teenager round to help at bedtime? My husband also works away a lot and when my two were younger I got the 19 yr old next door to come and read stories to the older one while I got the younger one to bed. It actually saved my sanity on ocassion - just much much less stressful than managing two - and once the 1yr old got a bit older she could read to both of them and I could sit and get 10 minutes peace in my room!

Dont try and be everything/ everyone int he faimly - if you need help look around and get it.

I haven't heard of anxiety anger but it strikes a chord with me so I will google it