Advice needed my niece is horrible to my DD

[OonaghBhuna]

I would be really grateful for any advice or thoughts...Since Christmas I have noticed that my niece has been difficult when playing with my dd. My DD is a toddler she will only be two next month my niece is two years older and is four. This behavior began with the snatching away of toys and then hiding them and then refusing to let my dd play with them. I didnt like this behaviour but thought well this is what children do. However this devloped changed when my niece started taunting my dd with the toys that she would snatch away and hide. After this my DH and i decided that we would have to really keep a close eye on things when they were playing together.However at a recent family party she ended up having a major tantrum and screamed at my dd for no reason, later on in the day all the girls were upstairs my dh took dd up to the room as dd was walking into the room my niece started to slam the door into dd and she got squashed. It was deliberate as my niece didnt realize that my dh was behind and saw everything. He scolded her. Then later on in the afternoon she told my dd that she didnt want to be her friend anymore. Luckily my dd is oblious to most of these behaviours as she is too young to understand.I feel that the bullying is getting worse my siter thinks that this is normal for children to behave with each other like this. My DH and I came home after this party really upset. I dont have a clue how to approach this with my sister but I am going to have to cause if I dont then we will stop visiting them to protect our DD. Are we overeacting is this normal?

It may be natural for a 4 year old to display this kind of behaviour but that doesn't mean it should be tolerated. Personally I would do anything necessary to protect my child from the 4 yo who has a problem, including not visiting sister.

This isn't normal, it's normal for kids who have always got away with it though!

I wouldn't visit any more, and when your sister asks why, tell her. She may review her parenting.

This happens with lots of children. The only way to 'sort of' stop it is by making sure you are supervising them all of the time. I only need to leave my 3 year old alone with his 5 year old cousin for a few minutes and they are a nightmare.

Sounds like your niece might be jealous of the attention your dd gets which is understandable, but I agree that such behaviour shouldn't be tolderated.

It's hard - i think to a certain degree sometimes it's just kids being kids but I know how frustrating and hurtful it is. There is 14 months between my DD and her older cousin who is also a girl - my niece is pretty much like you describe your neice so I made a point of not visiting, not being at in-laws house at same time and basically avoiding each other - they get on well now when they haven't seen each other for a while but it soon goes back to the old ways.

My DD isn't perfect btw, she can be a stroppy monkey at times but I always pull me DD up on her bad behavious or nastiness to my niece, my SIL never does so I end up telling DD off when she has snatched a toy or something but niece does it and gets away with it

It's more normal if you are on your niece's territory, so to speak -- i.e. at her house where she sees everything as hers and your DD as an interloper trying to mess with her stuff. It's less normal if she's behaving that way at your house where it's your DD's stuff.

The fact that it's normal doesn't mean it shouldn't be dealt with, though. My friends' DS is a year older than mine and on occasions we go round there has pushed my DS over, grabbed things from him, etc., etc. but his parents always pick him up on it and make it clear that it's unacceptable behaviour with consequences (in their case they use a "naughty step", but whatever form of discipline parents are using is fine, so long as it's not no discipline at all). And as a result his behaviour has improved and it's not really a problem any more.

I think your best strategy, if your sister won't deal with it, is to limit the contact, make as much of it as possible in your house where your niece is likely to be more restrained, and keep a very close eye on the two of them.

the thing I meant is

YES it is normal for them to behave like this sometimes

NO it is not normal for them not to get told off for it.

Normal- yes, acceptable, no.

Thank you so much for the response it reaffirms what we have been thinking. My niece very rarely gets told off for her behaviour and I think this is the key that she has been allowed to behave this way and therefore the behaviour gradually gets worse towards dd. I think we need really limit the contact as I dont think my sister will change her ways

Thank you so much for the response it reaffirms what we have been thinking. My niece very rarely gets told off for her behaviour and I think this is the key that she has been allowed to behave this way and therefore the behaviour gradually gets worse towards dd. I think we need really limit the contact as I dont think my sister will change her ways

Oonagh you have my sympathies, I have the same problem with ds and his cousin who is 8 weeks younger! We have always pulled ds up on his behaviour be it snatching toys, pushing etc, but his cousin not only gets away with it she was actively encouraged by her parents laughing and saying such helpful things as 'isn't it funny?!' erm, no actually it isnt. We've dealt with it by minimising contact between the 2 of them and they only really see each other when my (equally apathetic) PIL bring her over/ we visit (they mind her while her parents are working/down the pub etc!). In that situation my PIL turn a blind eye to all her behaviours (including spitting out chewed up food on my carpet- eeewww!!) so we now 'parent' her as well in a sense so she at least knows what the boundaries are in our home, and try to encourage her when she's being good! It's maybe not our place to do this but we feel it would be sad for the kids not to have a relationship, if that makes sense! Time will tell how long the set up lasts though as I'm due to have y second child in a couple of weeks and may feel very different if history repeats...

Also if you don't want to limit contact with then, it's a good idea to ask the parents if they don't mind you getting involved with the discipline. When my DS is being a handful, there are a couple of people who I actively encourage to tell him off.

I have a similar problem with a friend of ds1 being horrible to ds2 when we go to their house. The other boy is 4 and my ds is 2 and he's always snatching toys from him, screaming in his face, telling him he's not allowed to touch any of the toys (even though the other boy plays with all of ds2's toys when he comes to our house) and deliberately putting on a scary mask that he knows will make ds2 cry. The last time we were there he was hitting ds2 over the head with a toy and the mum was doing nothing about it. I hate to see this happen to my ds2 and often have to tell the boy off myself as his mum makes such a half-hearted effort at it that he just keeps getting away with it. There's not much you can do other than minimising contact or having a word with the parents to let them know how upsetting it is for you.

I suppose I find this situation really hard because it is my sisterand I am bringing up my children in a very different way to her.When my niece has acted inappropriately towards my dd my sister has just laughed or states that this is exactly what my dd will be doing to her younger sister and to her new cousin ( my sil is expecting and I have a baby who is 13 weeks old) This makes me very uncomfortable because you can never predict how a child is going to be in the future and if she did do these things she would be told off.
Anyway thank you for everyones comments it has been reassuring that I am not a lunatic

Would love to know if this situation improved at all?