Child's father is taking me to court

[user1482825879]

My daughter is now six years old and her father walked away when I was three months pregnant. I didn't see him again until she was born and he'd appear the odd night and he'd say things like he would see her if I performed sex acts etc and when I refused he'd disappear and we'd get the same again a few months later. This went on until she was two years old (also received the odd bit of maintenence but he'd always quit work not long after). Her paternal grandparents was always welcome to see her even if her dad didn't want to. My dad passed away when my daughter was two and the grandparents knew this and told her father. He then rang me and asked can he see my daughter again but he wouldn't abandon her again so I agreed. After months of it going ok he would deliberately start an argument with me (usually because the csa have sent him a big bill) and he would say he's not seeing her anymore. This has gone on until last xmas when he once again he decided under new csa changes that he doesn't want to pay for her he just wants to buy the odd coat. So I said that's not happening you need to pay so he said right well I'm not paying and I'm not seeing our daughter again. This time with her being five she was so upset because he never turned up on a Sunday (it was always the day he wanted. Sunday 10 till 5pm) that I decided enough is enough he's not doing this to my little girl anymore. My partner decided he will if possible adopt my daughter and bring her up as his. She's much more settled it's been 8 months since he's been in touch but I have let her grandparents see her. They saw her last week and my daughter must have mentioned something about my partner being her daddy because the grandparents rang me up saying that her dad has been to a solicitor and has now decided he wants parental responsibility and access every other weekend. He's going to take me to court if I refuse. He wants his name on birth certificate etc. I'm in shock. I don't know what my daughters rights are but he's been in and out of her life and her feelings was never brought into it. I know he's going to do it again if it goes to court. I've tried to make him see her properly since the day she was born but he has let her down for years. I think it's in her best interest not to see him anymore because he will do it to her again. I've not received a penny for her for years yet his parents will suddenly pay out for court costs. I don't know what my rights are and how much it will cost to fight it. Any ideas anyone of our rights?

Stop the grandparents seeing her for a start. They are facilitating this dickheads/their own wants and needs over those of their vulnerable grand daughter.
Get your evidence together.
Print of emails, texts etc where he has let her down.
If you have a diary that's fab, if not start one.

It's not your rights, it's hers. How much evidence do you have of him not turning up, requesting sex to see her (!), saying he's not paying etc?

Do you still have an open cms case? Are you now receiving regular payments?

These are separate things - the money and visitation. Make sure you get the cms to still pursue him for maintenance.

He will get graduated visitation which he will either stick to or he won't and it will stop - if you have evidence of him not turning up then you should present that. Show all the times you've offered for years too.

I've never ever ever stopped him seeing her wven though he doesn't pay. He is the one who walks in and out of her life. The latest with the csa even is that he had asked for a DNA test. Which I accepted because he knows and I know she is his. But he delays the case and when they do the reducuction from earnings he quits his job. So he has a massive bill. Now she is older she gets upset that he walks in and out of her life. Her behaviour is affected etc. He refuses to use cafcass he thinks it can just go to court and they'll hand her over. He's not wanted to see her for 8 months. He has mum and dad to pay for court. He's only doing it to hurt me and as soon as court let him see her he will do it again. When does it end? It's not fair on her anymore. I won't stop him seeing her but it will go all through court now. I'm no longer going to allow him to walk in and out of her life when he's feels like it on hours to suit him. If when it's gone through court he does it again, I will make sure the courts won't let him

I'd write everything down that you can remember; dates etc and any messages you have from him as well as CSA paperwork. In a way it may be simpler if he does go through court as the courts may allow him contact but if he doesn't consistently attend they will say it doesn't have to continue.
At the first court hearing they will often say for contact to take place for 6-12 weeks then go back to court to see how it's been going and if he hasn't been every time they will stop it happening. It's a long process tho; from when he applies it can take 3 months for a court date and from what you've said he will probably not follow through with it as he hasn't followed through with anything with your daughter in the past.
I wouldn't stop her seeing her grandparents tho if she enjoys it as it doesn't seem fair on her.

Like everyone else has said, begin to print of evidence of him letting her down. Write down every little detail of what you can remember. Don't stop her seeing her grandparents as that will go against you. This will take a long time but again as mentioned before it may make everything easier in the long run.

Agree with all PP start building your case. Write down everything you can remember over the last 5 years. I think before court there will have to be a mediation meeting, and I'm pretty sure CAFCASS will have to be involved it is a long process. You probably have done already, but I would seek some legal advice, even if it's just an appointment at one of the free clinics. At least you will know where you stand, what your options are and what to expect.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said that I can't do anything until I get a letter from his solicitor. He actually rang me and when I said this time I won't hand her over to him to break her little heart again and he has to do it through court and it will be a very long process with cafcass and mediation he said I can eff off he won't do cafcass or mediation he is under the allusion that it's a simple matter of court saying yes and that's it. No contact centres nothing. He wants his name on her birth certificate even though he was never around when I registered her and I begged him to come rather than father unknown be put on. I've fought for five years to have him in her life, put up with his abuse and sexual demands that he asked for and he would see her if I complied. Sadly he will do it again at the expense of his parents. But at least this time the courts will be involved. So there is proof when he does leave her again.

Stop responding to his messages. . Tell him you will be contactable through solicitors only. . And block him. . Keep away from his family. . And I bet you don't hear anything again.

Agree with PP just tell him you are happy to go through courts - however he thinks it works and you are actively waiting to hear from his solicitor to get the process started. Then do not respond to anymore of his calls and texts. With regards to grandparents if you are happy to let them see her then maybe you should get that arrangement formalised too. Perhaps agreement in writing through a solicitor or maybe you should do that through courts too. Perhaps they should see her without dad being present?.

I'd stop grandparents having access and stop all communication with him unless through a solicitor.

Grandparents are supporting his treatment of you and your DD, for that reason I would cut contact with them.

I very much doubt he will follow through the long and tedious court process, he doesn't seem to have a clue what it entails, let him try.

The grandparents only seen her a couple of times a year tops without him because he didn't want to know her. They're very unable to get around much because of their age. Sadly I know he's only doing this because I'm getting married next year and he has found that out from my daughter seeing her grandparents on her birthday last month. He isn't thinking of my daughter he's just thinking of his pride. Knowing him he's probably terrified that my daughter will change her surname from my current one to my partners when we get married which we have no intention of doing. He thinks he has the upper hand because when I had her I was alone and vulnerable and he used to come around and say if I did a certain sexual act he will see her. I had never told anyone this because I was so ashamed of myself. I was desperate for him to see his daughter so I did it. I had just gone through a traumatic c section where we both almost died, I did that alone and was vulnerable. He would come around a couple of evenings a week and demand this and when she was five months old I told him no. And was very firm that this could not continue. I was ashamed and felt dirty, I was depressed. When I said no he never appeared again for many months. When he did appear he'd grope my breasts. I had to tell him again that he needed to start taking her out rather than coming into my home. He disappeared again and when she was two appeared again and started seeing her on. The odd Sunday from ten till five. Months would pass where he never appeared and then last Christmas he did it again and we've not heard from him until her sixth birthday when she saw her grandparents. He thinks I won't mention his behaviour to anyone but since I've told my partner he made me realise that i shouldn't be ashamed. I was vulnerable. Me and my daughter have been the victim of his sick games. I'm going to wait out for the letter and fight him. I've written down everything even his messages denying parentage. It's going to be a big lot of notes but it's time I started being stronger.

Dear dickhead and parents. I firmly believe it is in dds best interests to have a good constant and reliable father figure in her life and with whom she has a good relationship. I have always encouraged dds relationships with you and your parents.
Accordingly I would welcome an opportunity for this to be formalised in court as I believe it would provide consistency and certainty for her going forward.
I look forward to hearing from your representatives as to how we can progress this in dds best interests.

Kind regards

Then sit back and watch

OP sounds like your partner has been amazing for you and he is 100% right do not be ashamed. Speak out and tell what what he is like.
You know in your heart you have tried to maintain a relationship between your daughter and her father but as you say there comes a point where you will not stand by and watch her be disappointed, upset and heartbroken every time he lets her down. Sit back, enjoy your life with daughter and partner, look forward to your wedding and await the letter from his solicitor..... I suspect it may never arrive. However I do repeat if he tries to contact you tell him you will only correspond with his solicitor.

'Dear dickhead & parents

I welcome the opportunity to have arrangements finalised by the courts to provide stability for DD going forward.

From now on all correspondence needs to take place through our solicitors'

And BTW. . You can change her surname since he isn't on the bc nor has PR. .

Thank you I have blocked his number so he can't try and manipulate and belittle me and grind me down any longer. I think they will go to a solicitor but I think they'll realise it isn't as plain sailing as he thinks it will be. It's going to be a costly and long drawn out process. I also didn't realise I could change her name because it's not something I thought about. My priority is she's happy and stable and loved. She is very much so and if he does gain access and dump her again at least hopefully it will be the last time and we can move on.

Funny enough his name is actually Dick. So I wouldn't feel so bad addressing him like that. Dick by name Dick by nature.

If your plan is to have your dp adopt her - and as things stand your ex can't prevent you unless he gets court back up - a step in that direction would be her taking dp name and feeling like she is that name. .

Does that have to be through adoption that he takes her name? He would adopt her tomorrow because it's him that has been there through all of this and taken her to school, wiped her tears, told her off when she's naughty etc but I've never known the laws on it. She refers to my partner as daddy un prompted sometimes but most of the time she calls him by his name. I've never encouraged or discouraged I've just let her do what she feels.

You can change her name at a solicitor. Google 'new dh adoption' cases. . It goes before a court and ex can try and obstruct but a judge will decide as he has no PR.

I'm going to look into that because I can prove he has no real interest in my daughter other than to disrupt hers and my life.