Motherhood nothing like I imagined

[ifihadonlyknown]

2 nd time mother with a 15 year age gap. Went straight back to work when DD was born, nursery 8-6 from a few weeks old, paid a babysitter to have her most of the weekend so I could go out drinking but I was 19 and wanted to live a little, a nice house, car etc and forgave myself for this rather 'hands off approach' We aren't as close as we should be now and I blame my early lack of interest. DD father left me during the pregnancy and disappeared completely even though we had been living together.Swore I would never have another child.... Something strange happened last year, fell pregnant by surprise with current partner and instantly decided I loved the little dot and bonded instantly etc. Looked forward to the little chap being born and imagined myself going to all the groups and taking him swimming and being SAHM till he started school. And thats exactly how I felt till he was about 6 weeks old. I dont drive, I dont have any friends so rely entirly on my partner for company and my family couldnt be less interested so just to combat the isolation, lonliness and depression i have gone back to work-earning far less than the nursery fees. My son gets up at 4am, so do I. I walk him to nursery at 8, then walk to work, then walk to nursery to collect him at 6, food shop on way home, cook dinner, bath and settle baby, clean house till about 11:30pm and then go to bed-repeat. He's only 15 weeks old and I feel ive aged 10 years, I get so tired I see things but when Im at home all day I cry and feel suicidal. I was so determined to enjoy this little boy but he's breaking me.Advice??

Give yourself a break, stop tidying everyday, maybe don't work do much and try to bond a bit more.
Find another mum to be friends with and go to each other's houses for coffee and chats. There is no shame in finding it hard work, I cried all the time as a sahm. It's really hard. If I was in your position I'd work less as you're not making any money anyway, and try to meet up more with friends.
Also maybe visit the doctor as you could have pnd.

It is very hard, but my top advice would be (picking upon the crying and suicidal part) to please go and see your GP about how you are feeling.

Also, presuming you get annual leave (I hope you do) there's nothing wrong with booking the day off and having it all to yourself while he's in nursery- catch up on some sleep or whatever. You must be exhausted

Thank you. Ive tried really hard to make friends but Im just so shy that I walk to these baby groups and hang around outside for a bit before losing my bottle and walking home. I just cant socialise.People stop me when Im out and compliment me on my lovely baby but even then I panic a bit and just try to get away from them.Im so lonely though I literally cry constantly when Im at home alone. When my partner goes out in the evenings (which hes doing more and more) I just break down.And I wish I had more time but Im the only person that does anything in my house, and it gets messy really quickly if I dont keep on top of it, im talking cups and plates left all over the house, dirty laundry everywhere so on .The joys of men and teenagers...

Why aren't the men pulling their weight?

Op, could you have Pnd? Parenting is exhausting and it's seldom like the dream, there is a lot of drudgery involved. I'd maybe speak to my health visitor or gp about how you are feeling, because as much as an untidy family is a total pain in the ass, it's not normal to be crying this much, which may indicate an underlying issue.

He works full time , he did do some washing up last weekend .and teenager is fifteen so any request is met with a swift 'fuck off' and then she shuffles back into her bedroom and slams the door.She really despises the baby so only really comes out to engage with me once he's in bed. Ive become pretty invisible to my partner since the birth have to virtually beg for attention even though I try to keep myself looking ok and try to be pleasant. Im just crap at this I suppose.

And I wont go to the doctors because if they decide I have a mantal health issue they will send the dreaded social workers round to harrass and patronise me. Ive only just got them off my back from some of my daughters behaviour at school, they had no concerns about her welfare at home but still came to bother me for weeks- I cant stand them.

Your daughter tells you to fuck off? Your partner ignores you? I think there are some very big issues here and no wonder you are exhausted. You're not crap! You're doing everything and dealing with a new baby and a rude stroppy teen who despises a baby? You need some serious help, none of this is okay.

When you say it like that I can see that it's not right. Where do I start? I mean the little one is just lovely, he's very cute and doing really well development wise but I can see why im getting down. I need more companionship and a bit of love from someone who can actually talk I suppose. My sister lives a long way away but shes visiting for a week next week, she drives and takes us places. We take LO swimming together and other stuff I cant manage alone. If only she were around all the time.

Is your partner supportive when he's there? You do sound very depressed and lonely. I get that teens behave in a certain way but I have a teen....no way would be dare tell me to fuck off. Honestly, I think you need some help. Could you go and stay with your sister for a bit?

Sort of. Hes very inconsistent. He pick pick the baby up and play with him but hand him back 90 percent of the time if he cries or needs something.He was much better before, I think I sort of broke the relationship recently because I demanded he pay more into the house from his wages and asked for some nights off to which he agreed but its not yet happened, I think he's finding fatherhood tougher and more expensive than he imagined. I feel like hes fallen out of love with me and will sooner or later leave. At least I know I can manage on my own ..My sister works ridiculously long hours and doesnt have children so it wouldn't work to go and stay up there. Thank you for helpful suggestions though :)

I have a supportive partner and no grumpy teen but I still end up in tears often on a day home alone. The dr thought I was at risk of PND and put me in touch with a new mums discussion group run by CBT practitioners - it helped me so much to meet people who were also finding it tough and it got me through the shyness because it was a structured thing. Could something like that be available in your area?

Having a baby can put a massive strain on a relationship. You matter OP, it seems you have to do the lion share and that is simply not fair. Could you talk to your partner again about dividing things up so you get to have a life too? It's probably not a good idea to put all your life onto just your partner, you do need some friends too. It's tough when you're shy but it can be done and in the long run it will help you to feel better about yourself. Does your oldest get any support for her behaviour?

Well you're definitely very depressed (pnd?) and it sounds like from what you've described home life is not a happy place for you. Imho You should go to the doctor. I know you have Mentioned you're worried about ss on your back again. But I doubt getting some meds for pnd (if that's what it is)should warrant a call from ss.

You are doing the best you can with very little practical help or support. You deserve more and I think you could be kinder to yourself. If your family see you treating yourself badly they will take your lead. Speak to your GP or HV, there are resources out there for you to tap into. You wanted to spend this babyhood differently to the first one - don't let it become something you don't want it to be. That baby thinks you're marvellous, focus on that and get yourself some deserved support xx

Well firstly stop staying up until 11 ar night cleaning. Go to bed with the baby from now on until you feel better. Dont get up at 4 - either let your partner help ie bring2 baby into bed and keep snoozing.

I am all for women working but it seems you are trying to run away from something withoit giving it a chance. Can you try again with baby groups etx?

Why are you and your son getting up at 4am??

I agree with waterrat.

You need more sleep. Don't ask your dd or dp to clean just go to bed and leave them to do the washing up.

Talk to your partner tell him you feel like you need more help.

Can you go part-time at work? That way you get a break from the isolation but you also appreciate the bonding time when you get it.

Gonna say it again - get some more sleep!

You def need to go to the doctor about pnd. I really mean it, just bloody go and stop making excuses. BOOK AN APPOINTMENT TOMORROW. SS will not be interested in that, I promise.
It is awful being shy, but
imreckon a big part is the depression not shyness.

Have you seen the Homestart organisation? They might be able to help you with support and company. You can find your nearest branch here: homestart.ritdns.co.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

Your GP will not call social services because you are getting help for your depression.

A health professional will only be concerned if they think there is likely to be an impact of you NOT getting help.

Please don't let this worry stop you seeking help.