DD wants friends but recognises they're a bit toxic

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

Rubbish title, not creative type!

DD is just 9. She is friendly and caring and quite sensitive. We have a close relationship and so far she's come to me with any problems. She doesn't cope well with bad behaviour. Believe me, she gets up to stuff at home but outside the house she rarely misbehaves and doesn't know what to say if friends misbehave.

She is starting to slowly play out very locally with one or two good friends from school in short bursts. The other day she came back in absolute floods of tears as there was a boy about same age who tried to take her bike. She ended up trying to kick him and he ran off, shouting fuck off at her. Another friend had a phone and was playing clips of what seems to be music with loads of swearing.

She's very upset as she likes her friends but acknowledges that their behaviour and language are wrong I'm also concerned about what may be unmonitored access to a phone at her age. Yes I've no doubt she'll see these things at high school but she's just starting yr 4.

So wwyd? I don't want to ban her from seeing these friends and don't want to punish her for being honest but at the same time I'm not happy about certain things. I'm really stuck!

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered, I do remember my cousin had a similar situation when her dd was 9 or 10. I think around this age they are stuck between friendships / social pressures. However your dd sounds responsible and trustworthy, it's a great sign that she can be honest with you. I'd be inclined to let her play with them but keep a close eye and encourage her to form other friendships at the same time.

In fact cousins dd had a big falling out with one of the friends who was more emotionally mature than her dd, used Snapchat and cousin was worried about the girls language etc, she cooled the friendship and now (7 years later) they are both 17 and best of friends!

Sorry not much help, my dd's are 2 and 5 and I have all this to come

Really tricky

I have. Sensitive DD (slightly older) & she can't handle stuff like that. I kind of wish we'd exposed her to more so that she was better equipped now. V difficult to know what is best.

I've been talking with my similarly-aged DC1 about friends who make you feel good and friends who make you feel bad, and learning to make informed choices about who you choose to spend your time with - something many adults (me included!) struggle with.

Useful analogies are drains/radiators or weeds/flowers. So it's ok to choose to spend some time with a friend who sometimes makes you feel bad, but go into it with your eyes open and guard up and don't be afraid to say "I don't want to play with you today" and walk away if it gets tricky.

Do what you can to gently discourage her and say they don't sound like good friends to be around, but support her (within reason) to make her own choices (and learn from her mistakes if needed). It sounds as if she has a good head on her shoulders if she knows these things were wrong.

And yes, some children go through tricky phases when they have other stuff going on in their lives, but a few months or years down the line may have changed.