Difference in discipline-advice please

[Morepinkgin]

Just asking for advice really. I am at the end of my tether. Lo is 3. She is demanding and stubborn and tries boundaries relentlessly.
My dh is a firm believer in smacking, not all the time probably once a week. I have asked him to warn our lo if he is going to smack e.g. if u do that again u will get a smack. He says he will then just smacks anyway. I do not believe in smacking and it totally p1sses me off. He says he does.
Do any of you differ on discipline?
It's all gone to eat shit already this morning where lo has been smacked for being very naughty.
Argghhhhhhhh.

If my DH smacked our child it would be over for me and depending on how hard, I would certainly consider reporting him. It would be a total deal breaker for me, particularly a man that could happily smack his little girl. To me it's lazy parenting at best, potentially abusive. You need to decide where you stand and if he won't change his behaviour you may need to take the situation into your own hands.

You need to be on the same page on this one.

Can you get a health visitor to come and see you about and talk about other more effective discipline methods (or are you not in England? )

Alternatively just hit him next time he does something you don't like and see what he says

Amatree has just trotted out the stock response, complaining that it is abusive, lazy parenting etc.

Smacking is legal, it is not abusive, or lazy parenting, although it can be, it is no more abusive or lazy parenting than shouting at a child or not disciplining them at all ( personally, I consider those more abusive)

ANY form of discipline need a calm instruction, followed by a warning, followed by the warned of, known about and understood consequence. The consequence needs to be a deterrent, and for a small child, a light slap is a perfectly acceptable deterrent.

You will get thousands on hear shreiking and screaming at that, without stopping to consider how much more humane a light slap is compared to shouting at a child, or neglecting their discipline altogether, so be prepared for that. They don't seem to get that millenia of human biology and neurological evolution are not going to be over turned by 10 years political correctness!

However, the deterrent is only going to work if it is a last resort the child wants to avoid, and is given the time to consider, and choose to avoid.

Equally, a different deterrent is just as acceptable, if it is effective, so it isn't the deterrent itself, but the way it is applied that is important.

The way your DP is applying the deterrent is ineffective - even if you do agree to a smack - and if you are so dead against it, he should agree to something else anyway, time out, or something.

Totally against smacking tbh. It aeema much worse IMO if its planned too so "if you do that again you will be smacked". You have had to think about that and choose to do it, it isn't a spur of the moment lapse in judgement/anger who h is bad too but I can see how that could happen. I have a 3 year old and I am lucky that she is on the whole a dream, but I also work with children and obviously could not use physical assault as a deterrent/punishmenr to behaviour. There are plenty if ways to discipline that don't resort to that. Time outs, Time ins, reasoning, removal of toys etc. Like others have said talk to your HV if you need aome help and dont allow your DH to do this to your child.

Sorry for typos

Really uncomfortable imagining a grown man hitting a little girl
I couldn't stay with him

I got smacked a lot as a small child. It obviously didn't work; and I only remember being told it was for 'cheek'. But I didn't have a clue what that meant. Not a scooby.

Also I have fuck all respect for the adults who did it to me.

His response when you say you don't believe in smacking is "Well I do"?

Charming.

It sounds like you've tried to compromise and discuss this (far more than I would, TBH, I don't like smacking) and yet he persists in his lazy way because he likes it - which seems like a huge problem to me. Why doesn't he take your opinion or feedback seriously? Why is violence so important to his parenting method that he isn't willing even to adjust the way that he uses it?

I know smacking threads on MN often go a bit mental TBH (you can see above it's already started) but really - I think that there are several issues here:

1. Your husband not being open to discuss parenting issues with you, essentially saying "I'll do it however I like". And I don't think this is down to a failure to approach the discussion in a logical, reasonable way (as can sometimes be the case, because discipline is an emotionally charged topic) because of what you've said about suggesting a compromise which you're still unhappy with but would be less annoyed by. This is a huge problem - you don't always have to agree on every issue, you probably don't even need to agree 100% on smacking as an issue in itself but you do need to know that your partner has got your back and respects your opinion and to be able to discuss things. How can you co-parent successfully if you don't cooperate? I appreciate we only have a small snapshot, but the snapshot is worrying - you're going out of your way, out of your comfort zone to be accommodating and he's not even attempting to meet you halfway. And you're not even halfway - you're massively over his side of the court trying to stretch to meet him and he isn't bothered. That's an issue for your parenting, and it's an issue for your relationship, because I find it extremely unlikely that he ignores your views and input on this issue alone. Wild guess? Everything in your relationship has to be his way or he won't put any effort into it at all.

1. The manner in which he's delivering is actually really unlikely to be teaching her anything. Three year olds will test boundaries and it's not unreasonable for them to be punished sometimes, but suddenly being smacked for something with no explanation or warning is unfair and confusing, which (combined with the fact she's 3) means that she'll probably not understand to avoid that behaviour, which will probably lead to her getting smacked again. This seems massively unfair on her and actually potentially harmful. If she can't predict and understand when she's going to be punished, especially if it's in a way which she fears, that's likely to lead to anxiety as well. Anxiety is of course not great in itself but anxiety in little children tends to come out as more poor behaviour or regression, for example, toilet accidents or bed wetting where a child was previously dry.

1. Quite often when people say that they "believe in" smacking, what they mean is that they believe in a discipline method which is based on control and domination. That's what it basically comes down to. Violence is always going to be the ultimate result of control and domination because it is innate in humans (and animals) to fear pain and therefore it will always work, as long as the person controlling and/or dominating has some form of power over the one they seek to control. In this case, physical strength and size. Now of course as parents we do use our physical strength and size against our children whether we choose to hit them or not, but to me there is a difference between using this as a protective force when necessary (e.g. holding them back from running into a busy road, removing them from an overwhelming situation) and a controlling force because it's convenient for us (I will force you to do this thing you don't want to do, I will hurt you in order to discourage behaviour). Smacking is supposed to intimidate, it is supposed to reinforce that sense of who has the power. It's intended to hurt, it's supposed to cause fear of that pain, that's how it works. Think about the implications of him focusing on this particular discipline method as, basically, his main tool. IMO they are quite worrying.

Bertie bots
What a well written post! I hope you work with children in some way as your understanding is perfect!

I do actually, I teach kids English as a second language. :) Thanks - the development stuff is a bit harder in a foreign language but I do my best!