To three or not to three, that is the question!

[Blondie87]

I can't believe I'm even writing this post because I've always said I've only wanted two children and am fortunate to have two very lovely DC (2 and a bit and 7 m).

However, for some inexplicable reason- possibly the hormones- I can't stop thinking about whether I'd want a third and there is this overwhemling urge to consider it! Why???
I love being a mum, I really do. However, I'd separate parenting into macro and micro categories. On a macro level it's the most life-affirming, incredible experience that I'm completely in awe of and so grateful for. Then there's the micro level daily, mundane, day in day out drudgery of never ending cleaning up and chores. Certainly not in rapture over cleaning the upteenth meal off the floor and the lovely but quite boring endless entertaining of babies. The lack of sleep and relaxation. Why would I want to add to that?? I'm not that maternal!

It's a complete head versus heart dilemma. Adding another to the brood would make us/me worse off emotionally, financially, mentally, physically. It's more time away from the career I've worked hard on. It's spreading myself even more thinly. DH and I have had babies much younger than all our close uni friends (27 & 29). We were going to recapture our youth at 47 when DC2 will be 18!

But- nothing beats seeing your children grow and develop, the smile they give when they see you in the morning, the little milestones. Hard in the early years but imagining family gatherings years down the line with a little clan.

What do people think- is three the magic number? Or is being outnumbered by your children a challenge too far?

It's your hormones. I know it's hard to believe now but if you always only wanted 2 then trust me...stick at 2.

I have 3 1,3,5 now and life would be amazing with just the big two! We love the baby but especially now eldest is at school so has reading and activities, we are spread too thin. Plus holidays are a fortune.

Ride it out and ask yourself in a year

I think you're just feeling broody from hormones. Two kids is a good number and soon you will have so much freedom. I'm 44 and my kids are 18 and 20. I love being a mum but it is wonderful that I'm getting "me" time back. I would not even consider having a third.

I always wanted just two. Then an unintentional but happy pregnancy came along and it was BLOODY BRILLIANT! I love having three kids and since having him 5 years ago I realised I wanted needed more. Breaks my heart that DH says no more.

I always thought I wanted 2, but now with a 2.5yo and an 8mo I want another and I think DH does too, though we both keep skirting round the issue for fear the other will say no.

I have no idea why,
as the 8mo is The World's Worst Sleeper and pushing me to my limit. But the 2.5yo has been really easy since 12mo. I just love watching her grow and seeing how she tries to make sense of the world.

I'm over 10 years older than you so don't have time on my side. But I think I would always want to have kids close together - I think it's best to get the hard slog of the early years over and done with.

I've already googled how to get 3 car seats in a car too. Looks like we would be able to manage with the car we have.....

For us it has always been two. We now have two and I know I don't have the sanity, energy, money, or dining chairs for another. I feel spread so thinly than I really couldn't cope with anything else added into my life right now, let alone a baby. I definitely don't want more.

BUT I do feel really sad at everything DD2 (14mo) grows out of or phase she finishes as I know that's it. That makes me think about the possibility of #3 then I give my head a wobble and remember how I'm often hanging on the last frayed strands of my sanity by 7pm. I try and console myself that I'll hopefully one day get grandchild newborn snuggles, but also know it just won't be the same which makes me even sadder! Could it be that you are feeling (sadness at all the 'lasts') rather than really wanting a third?

I'm with StinkPickle: if you always only wanted two, stick at two. Or at the very least totally shelve the idea and revisit in a year or two: you have time on your side.

Really interesting to hear all your thoughts and opinions.
skankingpiglet I think you've put it pretty accurately. Everything is a last rather than a first with DS2. I've felt this most acutely with breastfeeding.
This would never be the deciding factor as to whether I'd have a third but I have two amazing sons which I'm so happy about. However saying I'm done means I'm also closing off the possibility of having the experience of raising a daughter. That makes me a bit sad but I'd never have a third because I wanted a girl. I'd be happy with a third son, obviously all you want is a healthy baby. But I'd be lying if I never thought about how lovely a daughter would be.
I know that at nearly 30 time is on my side but I would let want a big gap, so the latest I'd try for a third if we went for it would be when DS2 is 3. I know it's probably not the right decision though!

I'm a little bit where you are OP although my kids are 6 and 2. I had a difficult time with multiple miscarriages and then dd2 was a difficult baby and dh had health issues so it was easy to say two is enough. But I'm loving the toddler stage and it's hard to think it will pass quickly. Ultimately if i could stop time I would but I don't think another baby is the answer. Dh's health issues have not gone away, I'd be spread even more thinly and I wouldn't do a good job of it. So I'm trying to draw a line and focus on the next stage - the bit I looked at so enviously a year ago when dd2 was difficult and didn't sleep. It helps I have a baby niece I can cuddle!

I have 2 boys as well. When asked if I wanted a third, I'd say 'only if you can guarantee a girl'. I would definitely follow your head here, the micro side of parenting only gets more complicated.

We always said 2 and we have 2. I know what pp's mean about feeling a little sad when DC2 moves out of phases, but I can honestly say I haven't felt tempted to a 3rd yet! I just don't want to start all over again and I already feel guilty sometimes that I can't give either of them as much individual attention as I'd like.

It's easy to consider the practical disadvantages of having 3 but that's not always enough if you have that emotional longing. As you have time on your side, I would probably defer your decision for 12 months and see how you feel about going back to the newborn stage then.

I only have 1 but when he hit a similar age to your youngest (8ms - 12ms) I felt quite broody then it passed. I do wonder if it is a hormone thing.

Unless time is a real issue I'd wait a few months more then reassess how you feel.

In my experience, the wondering never went away. I could see all the practical reasons to stop at 2. But I realised I had literally chosen a house/car/even school for DC1 with 3 children in mind. I honestly felt like it would be the biggest regret of my life not to go for it. I'm now 34 weeks pregnant with DC3.

BUT if I'm honest I'm bricking it, and we'll have nearly a 4 year gap between 2 and 3. So it will put the further study/training I'm considering back by nearly 4 years, and a third lot of maternity pay is not enticing. Plus, I love your description of macro and micro parenting. Perfect summary of my feelings, too!

I don't know what I'm saying, really, just giving you some of my thoughts to try to help you clarify your own! You're 6 years younger than me, so I'd give yourselves a while to decide.

Sorry, posted too soon! Good luck making the decision. I can't wait to meet DC3, but it feels a bit more clouded with worry about coping in a variety of ways than the last 2 times. We'll see!

I always wanted 3. But had multiple miscarriages trying for 3rd. So stopped at 2, felt like I'd got my head around it and moved on.

Then, 7 years later and well into my 40s, I found myself pregnant. Dc3 now 3 months and it just feels so right being a family of 5. Deep down I never completely let go of wanting my 3rd. Hard work though!

I've loved hearing all your experiences, so thank you.

Congratulations ladybird on your pregnancy. Yes it's daunting, I felt the same when pregnant with DS2 but it turned out wonderfully and soon three will become the new normal for you. Benefit of that bigger gap is that you will have lots of time with the baby whilst older dcs are at school.

I've thought long and hard and I think I'm 90% done at two. I'll just enjoy the next 18 months with my boys and reassess. I'm sure once the hormonal fog has lifted I'll be able to make a better judgement. I'm quite excited to enjoy my 30s with my family and get my career back on track and enjoy the freedoms of having older children.

Thank you 😊 you are right that it will become the new normal for us! Good way of thinking about it. Glad to hear you felt similarly about DC2 and it all went well!

You sound like you have a good, sensible plan. Good luck whatever you ultimately decide

(Ignore the bonkers time of night I'm posting...pregnancy insomnia )

I have three boys. I was going to stop at two, there's a 4 year gap between son number 2 and 3. Was it manageable, yes, because I worked from home as a childminder for many years. Do I have any regrets, no, I wish that I'd had 4 children now. One lives abroad and the other two have/are considering living abroad for various reasons. The early years can be hard work but it is lovely to reap the benefits of a larger family now that I am older. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren who I love being with and I enjoy looking after them if I am needed and I'm hoping for many more.

OP, honestly, I think your second post is quite telling. How much is truly a desire for a 3rd child vs the wish to try for a girl? I am in similar boat. Always wanted just two DC and we now have two gorgeous boys (3 & 9 mths), youngest will turn 18 when we're 50 so I like to think that gives us a nice chunk of life back at the end!
Head says that two is completely enough for us. The expense! The exhaustion! I can just about give enough time to both of them and both I and DH manage fine with two by ourselves should need arise. But, for us, managing the needs of a young baby is at the expense of our relationship and another child would basically put our relationship on hold for a further say 3 years (minimum!). And what PP says about juggling baby with needs of older DC starting school, the activities and so forth. If no grandparents around, it becomes so tricky to ferry everyone around.

But a wee bit of the heart longs for a girl - and also says a 3rd boy would of course be fabulous so why not give it a crack and see what happens.

I'm not yet going down that route. I acknowledge that if DC2 had been a girl, I would have sold all our early baby stuff by now. As it is, it's all packed up in the loft "just in case".

It seems a common enough dilemma in couples who have had two of one sex. I can't help you but I think your feelings are extremely normal. All I am doing is banking it for discussion in another year until youngest is 2 and see where we are then.