Ds's (12) attitude towards dd (9) and getting me down.

[bramblina]

Ds just picks on everything dd does, this morning twice- once over the way she was eating and the other time over how much sauce she put on her breakfast. Sure, she occasionally does eat with her mouth open and I draw her up about it (will no longer do this in front of ds) and yes she likes ketchup but ffs it's not for ds to comment on.

Fast forward 10 mins, I was out of the room, come back to screaming from ds, who has breakfast on his elbow and his bowl in his hand. It looks like dd is in the wrong and ds has a great habit of emphasising what she does wrong. I established that ds had pushed dd's plate towards her "incase she dropped her breakfast on her" (he would only help dd if it were a life or death situation so I don't believe this) and dd pushed his back at him, it flew off the table and when he caught it his elbow went in it. Ds was super angry and left to get sorted out which resulted in door slamming, light switch bashing, screaming, chair banging against table, etc etc, I got very cross with him for his attitude and we got in to a screaming match, he pushed against me, blah blah blah, I lost my temper, smacked his arm, his attitude grew and you can imagine the rest.

He treats her with utter contempt. He picks on everything she does. If he sets the table he'll leave her cutlery lying but lay everyone else's out etc- I always follow it through and make him go and do it properly but this just continues. He hasn't had his ipod etc for about 3 weeks now because I've told him he's not getting them back until his attitude towards dd changes. But this is not working. He asked last night for his ipod and got frustrated when I said no and reminded him why, but it's not changing. It does bother him but he's not making an effort to change.
I've just read on another thread where a mum has taken her dd's ipod etc off her for behaviour but it hasn't had an effect, and a poster replied it's not working, only widening the gap. Is this what's happening? What do I do now? Where do I go?
This is probably the biggest problem in our house, I appreciate my kids are not delinquent or skipping school they're really not bad kids but this is my problem just now, and it hurts. It hurts now when I think about our fight and how I just don't know how to parent just now.
Ds has just started high school, I appreciate there are tough changes for him. But if he were behaving this way to a kid at school this would be classed as bullying and it's unacceptable.
Please help me.

Have to say him down and talked to him about it?

Hi op sounds really tough on you...they can be difficult at that age but l think thats when they need tough boundaries and v calm determined parenting (easy to say l know)

First consider your behavior and resolve to stay calm and adamant regardless, if you truly believe you can parent like this, he will see that and realise you mean what you say.

If his Ipad is important to him use that as punishment, but before you do take him out somewhere neutral (hot choc at coffee shop) and tell him in no uncertain terms that this behavior stops now.

Say how unacceptable it is that he is behaving like a mean bully and you know he is better than that, give him space to talk about any worries or anger feelings, tell him he can come and speak to you anytime and you will really listen and help...BUT the destructive bullying of his ds will stop today.

Tell him to walk away if he gets angry BEFORE he speaks or acts, also let him know the consequences of not behaving well, ie each mean comment or action ipad confiscated for the rest of the day.....EVERY time.

Reiterate you love him and will always support him, BUT will not live with this behavior any longer.

It may be important to address any tit for tat with DD, look carefully to see if you need to address any issues with her pushing his buttons, if so have the talk with her to a lesser degree.

Good Luck

It sounds awful. Is there any chance he's being bullied at his new school? It may be that he's bullying your DD out of frustration at not coping with that. Perhaps you or your DH/DP/a male friend he respects could have a private chat to find out.

Another option is to teach your DD ways to defuse the situation assertively without being a doormat or making it worse.

There's never an excuse for bullying. I think you shouldn't reprimand dd in front of him any more. What is his punishment for not setting the table properly? Or shouting at DD? It you have already taken his ipod, stop his pocket money, put him on packed lunches, stop buying him specific treats (food or otherwise). Have a word with his school because chances are if he's bullying his sister in front of you, he's also bullying other kids - they need to keep an eye on his behaviour. He needs to understand it's never acceptable to bully another child.

And whatever you do DON'T tell your DD to diffuse the situation like Jaxhog suggested. This isn't her fault, she's the victim.

@Nuttyyou - that's why I said assertively, without being a doormat or making it worse. That doesn't make her a victim or her fault. It gives her options for taking back control of the situation. A useful life skill.

I might be reaching but it sounds as though you actually dislike your son and that may be the reason for his contempt towards your DD, jealousy.

You weren't in the room this morning and don't know his motive for moving the bowl but DD has pushed it back spilling it on DS.
His reaction was totally unacceptable but did DD get punished also?

The table issue is easy - whoever doesnt set the table gets to pick where they sit out of the seats for your ds and dd.