Worried my baby doesn't like me

[FrustrationStation]

I am just writing this here because everyone else is telling me that I'm being stupid. But to me it is really upsetting.

I have a 10 month old DD and after she was born I suffered terribly with PND and anxiety. I thought I just could not look after her and said to my mum I didn't want her. That was when I was really ill. I got myself to the doctor about 3 months after her birth and started on ADs and gradually felt better. I always loved my baby, always looked after her needs, but perhaps I didn't show her enough love or tenderness in those early months. I was a crying wreck most of the time.

Anyway fast forward to now and we let my parents have her overnight while DH and I sort some things out because we're moving closer to my family. When we went to collect her the day after I took her from my mum and she started crying and holding her arms out towards my mum who promptly took her off me. I felt awful, that she didn't love me and wanted my mum more than she wants me. My mum probably loves this secretly, because she absolutely adores my DD.

My question is, have I ruined things between my baby and me? She is perfectly happy when we're alone together, and we often have naps together on our bed during the day. I try to be a good loving mummy. She smiles a lot and seems happy, but sometimes when I hold her she will push me away. I just don't want her to prefer someone else to me. Am I being stupid? I love her but I don't know if the feeling is mutual.

Sorry if this is garbled

Both my babies do this with my mum too!!! It's annoying, but definately don't take it personally

I don't have much experience or advice about PND but didn't want to read and run. I can tell you that your baby pushing you away just means she's interested in something else for a minute - completely normal. My 18month old can cling to me one minute and shove me off the next. I can also say that all babies live in the moment and her wanting your Mum says nothing about her deeper feelings for you- it's just a sign that she's had fun with your Mum and in that moment wanted to see her. Deep down, you are her world. Your description of having naps together and your happy smiling baby sound lovely. From what you've written, you sound like a wonderful mother. Well done on recognising your PND and getting help earlier on too.

Thank you for the reassurance. I really want to have a close relationship with my daughter. Perhaps it's just they way babies are at this age.

I have read quite a few article's about this as ds definitely prefers dh over me (traitor) and one of the things that I noted was that often babies and children don't have to worry that their mothers love them, it's a sign of good parenting if they are happy to go to others. As she gets older she may have lots of tantrums with you but behave perfect in others company. The gist of it is that children feel that with mum or I suppose the primary parent/s they know that no matter what they do they will be loved so often we get subjected to the worst of the behaviour because we will still love them! And then they use this against us all the time

Be reassured your baby loves you!!

Please don't worry, little kids have a 'love the one you're with' mentality!

My DS reaction to seeing me after a break is either to completely ignore me or to cling onto whoever he's with (granny, daddy etc).

Yup, it's just the way they are. I had a very secure attachment with my ds, went away for 4 days on a course, and when I came back he looked at me like "who is this weird person?" Yet his sister at a much younger age got all excited because after 2 months absence she remembered a mirror in our house. Basically, babies aren't about making us feel good: they are heartless little buggers.

I think it's a phase they go through, I know it can be hard but don't worry. My baby does this at nursery, will cry when i pick her up! When i take her in she starts reaching out to her key worker, charming!
She also goes through phases as to whether she wants me or my husband and will cry on the one she doesn't want.

I felt like this with ds, just to reassure you he's an adorable, loving 10yo now & we are very close.
Try not to worry, it'll be you writing this to someone in 10 years time!

Don't worry about it. We laugh about this with my DGD. As soon as she arrives at our house she assumes I am in charge of her and ignores her Mummy for the most part, and has done so since being tiny.

We've decided that she thinks Mummy is just an extension of herself so she doesn't have to cling on to her; that they are one, and also she can sense the familial similarity between me and my DD.

Your Mum will love that her DGD enjoys being with her, but I can assure you, like me, I'm sure she'll feel it's nice to give them back to Mummy.

My DD did this to me for the first time the other day and I was really upset until I went to see my mum the next day and my DD would cry if my mum went near her and was clinging on to me. It's normal, they just want the person they've been with most recently.

It sounds totally normal to me! Don't worry! My DD did this with both sets of grandparents. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DD - how lovely that you take naps together on the bed! Wish I'd done that!

@FrustrationStation sorry to barge in on your post. But wondering re: pnd. How did you know? I've spent days sitting crying with my 11 week old. Feeling like a terrible mammy. But my partner telling me this is normal? 🤔

@lauramcd86 It's normal to be weepy for a couple of weeks or so after the birth of a baby, but if it goes to a month down the line for example then there might be a deeper problem. I knew because I was still in a terrible state 3 months after my DDs birth. I remember walking somewhere with her in the pram and wishing I would get killed, but then worrying what would happen to my family after I was gone. I went through phases of panic attacks worrying about my baby and deep depressions wondering if I should give her up for adoption. I was never happy, never laughed, never even smiled. That's not normal. I urge you, if you are at all worried PLEASE see your GP. Just go, don't even hesitate. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. If you want to talk just PM me xxxxx

@FrustrationStation aw actually can't believe that was what I wrote only 3 wks ago! She's gotten so so so much easier and things are so much better xxx thank you for replying to me! Hope things all good your end with your DD.

Hi all. @FrustrationStation I could have written your original post! My lb is now 11.5 months but after a traumatic birth and a difficult start I really struggled with PND and anxiety for the first 3 months especially. I often worry about the possible impact this could have had on him. He is a very smiley chap now (he developed reflux at 4 weeks which took its toll on the both of us!) but isn’t always very ‘cuddly’ with me. How have things progressed for you and your DD? I know this hasn’t been active for a while but thought I’d try my luck!