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How do you split looking after the baby?

14 replies

Newmumtobabyno1 · 30/08/2017 12:32

Just looking for a few ideas on how you and your partner split your baby's routine between you? ATM I am doing everything (mainly because I felt thats what I was meant to do as I am the one at home!) DS is 5.5 months and EBF and will not take a bottle. I love BF him so no issues with doing all the feeds and the night feeds currently around 3, yawn and I also get up with him each morning and sort him while DH gets ready for work. DH works quite late a work so I also end up doing all the baths and also bed time routine (this obviously would require me anyway for part of it as he needs a feed).
Weekends are also a bit tricky and we're struggling to know how to split them. DH has to do exams for his job and therefore revises for a lot of the weekend which increases as he gets closer to exams. So I also do all the baths, naps, bed times and get ups at the weekends too as well as entertaining him for most of the day. We both know this isn't fair so please don't judge we're just struggling to know what sort of 'rota' to put in place and am interested to know how others juggle baby's care between them and their partner?

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Eeeeek2 · 30/08/2017 12:53

What works for us - it probably wouldn't work for everyone

Dh does the night wake up if required he's managed to bribe ds to sleep through most weekends on Friday/Saturday nights and entertains him when he wakes on the weekend whilst I drink tea in bed. Obviously if you're bf then the night feds would have to be you, but maybe he could take over for a little while after feed in the morning to give you a lye in.

Dh does the bath most of the time unless he is too late back from work

During the weekend we parent together so take in in turns to change/feed, often ds won't eat lunch if I'm feeding him as he spends the entire time smiling at his dad. I definitely do more of the routine promoting i.e. He needs a feed/lunch/nap

This stems from me being critically ill for a week after the birth and being attached to multiple machines/lines and dh did most of the care the first week. I think if I wasn't then ds would of been more attached to me.

If you both want to change I'd take it slowly i.e. start doing bath together on weekend and slowly withdrawing. Babies like routine so just handing him over to dad to bath he'd probably freak and this would set him up to fail.

Newmumtobabyno1 · 30/08/2017 13:02

Thanks, thats really helpful. I think part of it is me feeling guilty and thinking its my job and that DH has been working all week so shouldn't have to get up with him on the weekends - he generally offers but I just say it's fine i'll get up.
Its nice to see that your DH does bath times - its something I really wish he would be home for as it would be great bonding time for them especially as i'm BF. Maybe we could compromise on 1 or 2 nights a week that he is home and does bath and/or bed.

OP posts:
Eeeeek2 · 30/08/2017 13:05

Try not to think as it's your job but more what can you do to facilitate a great relationship between your ds and his dad.

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Lillygreen · 30/08/2017 13:05

We do very similar to you. Although my DH doesn't get home as late.

Its difficult. We have baby all day, so at end of day we probably want a little 'me' time. However I feel I can't ask DH as he has been as work at day.

DH has never offered to do night feeds/changes and I don't want to ask him as I understand he works/ needs a break on the weekend. But sometimes it would be nice if he would offer (especially when I have the occasional day of work myself!)

Perhaps you could ask him to do the first morning feed/change on weekdays (If that ties in with your DH getting up for work?) And he could bath on the occasions he does manage to get home early?

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 30/08/2017 13:10

DH and I both work but I work 3 days a week from home and he works full time, in the city.

DS is up by 6am every day so we alternate getting up (DH starts getting ready for work at 6.30 anyway, so if it's my day not to get up I'm always up by then).

During the week:

DH leaves at 7.30 so if it's a working day for me I do drop off at 8, and then pick up at 5. DH gets back at 6.30 - sometimes DS is already asleep by then but if he's awake then DH will do bedtime. I always do bath and dinner during the week as he wouldn't be home in time.

Weekend:

Alternate lie in days but tbh neither of us like sleeping in much anyway - always up by 8. We take equal responsibility for playing with him etc and if we go out anywhere we generally all go together. Putting him down for naps is literally just a question of giving him a kiss and putting him in his cot, so I don't really keep track of who does that. DH tends to do bath/bed at the weekend as I do all the cooking.

I think we're a fairly even split.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 30/08/2017 13:11

And btw I really think being at home with a baby all day is a lot harder than being at work all day. DH agrees with me (and he works in a high pressure, full on job in finance).

Lenl · 30/08/2017 13:13

We have a two year old and a 10 week old.

I do nights as baby is ebf. DP leaves for work at 6.45am so usually I do mornings though if our 2 year old wakes up early he'll go downstairs and DP gives him breakfast. I do the bulk of the housework which I think is reasonable while I'm on mat leave.

When DP gets home about 4.30pm he sticks the baby in the sling and entertains DC1 while I cook dinner (we eat early) then we all eat together. We all go upstairs to get ready for bed then I do the actual settling them to sleep bit.

Weekends DP gets up with DC1 while me and the baby lounge about upstairs so I get to relax a bit til 8am or so. Usually DP then has baby in sling again while I get ready.

However DP also does music stuff at the weekends which takes a lot of time so I do usually at least 3 bedtimes a week by myself and a period of time in the day at weekends too.

The way we manage it now is he has a diary and we plan in advance when he will be doing music. I helped plan a 'rota' for him so we both know when he'll be busy. It means he doesn't need to feel constantly guilty as it's prearranged and I can plan my own time around it. Could you do similar with his revision? Say ok you will revise for these times on these days and then the rest of the time at home you need to be present and helping. Works for us.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 30/08/2017 13:16

Oh forgot nights. DS sleeps through now but when he was your LO's age it was me doing them as he was BF. Once we moved him onto bottles at 6 months I did all the night feeds in the week (as was still on mat leave), and DH did them at the weekend.

shamoffour · 30/08/2017 13:19

4dcs here and a sahm.

I do the majority but dp baths and puts to bed when he gets in. He also does breakfast in the morning (term time) so I can get ready to do school run.
When they were babies he would do all the feeds on a Friday night i would go into the spare room and get up when I was ready he would deal with them/feed them if they woke.
He would go in the spare room on a Saturday. That way we both got a reasonably undisturbed nigh once a week.
When he is doing bath time sometimes I go out just to somewhere like Starbucks and just sit and have a coffee for half and hour especially if it school hols!!

clarabellski · 30/08/2017 15:33

Are you planning on going back to work OP? As any rota you put in place now will likely need to change when that happens as you and your DH will both be needing to get out the door in the morning!

We don't really have a formal rota. We have just naturally fallen into a turn about system, the main one being 'who gets Saturday morning and who gets Sunday morning for the long lie'.

Newmumtobabyno1 · 30/08/2017 15:58

Yes I will be at the beginning of next year - hopefully part time. I'm a teacher so will need to leave the house at 7. I've told DH he will have to get up and get DS ready on those days as he doesn't usually get up until 7 and leaves the house at 8.
Luckily my DM is having DS for those days so all I will need to worry about is morning BF, nappy change, brush teeth and get him dressed. She will do breakfast at hers.

Thank you for all the replies - it's made me realise I need to step back a little. DS absolutely adores DH and is all smiles for him when he is at home. I just think we need to put something in place where DH learns how to put him to bed/down for naps etc so that its not so reliant on me. He'll have his own way of doing it, and that's fine, we just need to get DS used to it too.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/08/2017 15:59

There is no law that says a baby has to have its bath just before bedtime: mine never did. Also nappy changes make great bonding moments.

mindutopia · 01/09/2017 12:18

When our dd was a baby, I did all the feeds obviously when bf, but we shared a bit more when we switched to bottles, and dh would take her and hold her between feeds, so that I could have a break or sleep (when he was home). He also tended to mostly have her in the evenings after work as I would do cooking or just generally get a break, or when she was really little, I would go to bed to get some sleep before the overnights. Even when I was bottle feeding, he was still up and helping every night feed as I needed someone to go make the bottle. He did most of the early changing as well, especially at night.

As she got older, I would say it's largely been 50/50. Obviously, when I was home I was doing more during the day, but because he had to work, he did more after work. He was never very good at getting up in the mornings, so I would say I did more of the very early mornings, but it's not like he got a lie in either. He might have gotten an extra 30-45 minutes of sleep after getting me her bottle and going back to sleep. Unless one of us is ill and dying, we don't get lie ins. We both get up. That's gotten easy as our daughter has gotten older. In the evenings though, he's always taken her as soon as he got home (5-6 ish) while I cooked dinner or did anything I needed to, and he's always been the one to do bathtime. In fact, I'm terribly at baths because I never give her one unless he's away. I do her last feed and bedtime unless I have something I need to do (we both work full time now so depending on who is more busy, one of us might need to work a bit in the evening from home, so the other does bedtime). Usually it's always been my thing though. Ours doesn't nap anymore, but when she did, we both did it depending on who was home and had the time.

On weekends, we're both up with her in the morning, doing things around the house, breakfast, etc. and we both go out and do something with her during the day. The only exception is if one of us needs to work (again, we both have careers with non-traditional hours, but mostly can work from home or wherever). If I need to do a few hours on a weekend morning, I get up at 6 and go to a Costa and work and sometimes he needs to go to his workshop to do some work (he's self employed). But we both try to get up and do it in the morning so we're back by late morning or lunch time and then we do something together.

I do think you're right about pulling back and giving him a chance to do more. My approach always was when I was home, it was all me all day, but once he finished work and on the weekends, it was as much his job as mine, and I didn't feel guilty about that. It was really good for him and meant they had lots of bonding time. I had to go away for 2 nights for work when my dd was 9 months and then again for 2 weeks when she was 16 months. Because we'd both always done things, it was easy enough to transition into him being the main caregiver when I was gone and it wasn't much disruption. Our dd is older now (4), but I also now work long hours 2-3 days a week (6am-7pm) so he does everything on those days. Because we started early with him being really involved, it hasn't been a big deal and she's happy for either of us to do these things.

AshGirl · 01/09/2017 17:34

Feel a bit guilty reading these responses that DH does so much.

DS is 5 months and I am on ML. DH gets home between 5.45-7pm depending on whether he can get away on time. Usually he changes clothes, sometimes showers, and will then take DS for play, feed (bottle) and bed. I will spend that time washing bottles, sorting laundry etc. I do bath in the mornings when needed (not every day).

At the weekends, DH does night wakings / feedings, though it looks like DS is dropping his middle of the night feed - woohoo!) DH typically does not hear DS so I have to wake him up and then go back to sleep.

During the day at the weekend DH will often have DS while I do chores or cook. I appreciate that he needs a break from work, but my work is looking after DS and I need a break too! Plus, DH needs (and wants) to spend time with DS and will be taking shared parental leave so needs to be up to speed for when I am back at work.

Oh, I also do very little housework and we have a cleaner Smile

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