How to be a better parent

[SeriouslyUnhinged]

I am married with two DC, ages 8 and 6 and I honestly think if I could walk out without completely screwing up my children I would. I just don’t know how to parent. The DC don’t listen to anything I say. I don’t know how to set boundaries they will not trample over. I cannot come up with punishments that are reasonable or effective. I speak and they do not listen. I shout and they do not listen. They are cheeky. I have reached the point where I do not want to spend any time with them. I am angry, which is so wrong. I am drinking too much. I wonder am I becoming depressed again but I feel absolutely fine at work – it’s only at home.

DH would be much more accepting of general poor behaviour, but inconsistent with it – so one day something is OK the next it isn’t. He is pretty crap and carrying through punishments and thinks we have done everything we can and that they will grow out of it. I have previously read parenting books and asked him to read them so he understands WHY we are trying to do something. He tells me to just tell him what to do.

I am lost and floundering and abjectly failing as a parent. Please, please help. I cannot take being told I’m a bit shit as I’ve worked that out myself. All I want is to bring up my children to be happy, hardworking and decent people. To realise that they sometimes have to do something just because. And I have no idea where to start.

All I know is that whatever I am doing or omitting to do is wrong. So, if anyone has got this far how do you learn to be a parent?

Firstly the fact your worrying about this means you are not a shit parent....struggling maybe, but not shit. Real shit parents just don't care, so stop beating yourself up. Secondly parenting books are all well and good but sometime a bit more practical help is needed, do you have access to your local children's centre (normally called sure starts) have a Google of the services they offer, they have some excellent and free parenting courses which run throughout the year. They're also really good for general advice on all types of parenting matters and help to get you back to being confident about your parenting. The classes are great and really non judgemental and often there's loads of different types, some focus on challenging behaviour, teenagers, effective discipline etc (I struggled myself a while back and went on a few and found them so helpful) but even if a course isn't running they can still give great advice. Thirdly if your concerned that your becoming depressed (speaking from experience also) then make an appt with your GP they may be able to help or provide more support to help you cope better and sometimes just having someone listen can make a huge difference. They will also be able to offer support, signpost any courses and help you to feel a bit more in control. Maybe even some CBT to help you feel more confident or to talk out any issues that may be the root cause of the problem. Either way it's worth a shot...hope things get better for you

It sounds crazy because it's a cliche but the fact that you're there, loving them, feeding them and worrying about the type of parent you are means you're already doing better than some.

Do you have much support from friends and family? Could you and DH spend a couple of hours together one evening talking things through and agreeing on what you do and don't expect from one another and from the DCs? DH and I parent differently; I'm much more firm than he is, but we compromise so that the DCs always know where they stand. Could you draw up a list with the DCs next of family rules that everyone has to live by? Ask the DCs what sanctions they think are appropriate for breaking the family rules, write a list and stick it on the fridge. Praise them every time they follow a rule. Praise them til you feel you might get jaw-ache from smiling so hard.

The other thing we do is one-to-one time. I take the DCs out separately occasionally and have time with them. Usually we go to a cafe or restaurant, or bike ride to our local forest. I honestly think it makes them so much better behaved when they've had that bit of attention to themselves (they're horribly competitive a great deal of the time). And don't beat yourself up about your DCs. They're all hard work sometimes and with each phase they go through they learn new ways of being asshats. Mine are mostly lovely but DS2 is gong through a really shitty patch at the minute where he's entirely irrational, unreasonable and irate with the world. He wants to kill us all. He's 6 and a half and an out and out depot. And DS1 is 6 weeks shy of 12 and has become Kevin the teenager, communicating in grunts, farts and whatsapp messages 84% of the time. It passes. It always does.

I just wanted to echo the others, you're NOT shit. A shit parent, well, doesn't give a shit! I can't offer any meaningful advice as my two are much younger so that could be hypocritical. But, I will say this, if parenting is so easy, why are there so many "parenting" books on sale? It's not easy, it's hard and the fact you care about doing your best says it all. Disjointed efforts between parents are more common than you think, if they're behaved at school etc it gives you a starting block. As I say, no real advice but please don't lose heart I'm hoping someone will come along with strategies.

I'm partly commenting because I would like to know the answer too! You definitely won't be the only one who thinks they're a shit parent, and as others say, the fact that you're worrying about it means you have your children's best interests at heart.

Something I am trying is to tackle one small thing at a time, in the hope that will make me feel we've got somewhere and make it easier to do more. So for example, DS (8) has got into a habit of coming out of school, and demanding a 'treat' (this stemmed from when we would take a snack when we picked him up when he was younger as he probably needed one then). Anyway he doesn't need a snack immediately after school now but if I say wait till we get home and you can have an apple he'll kick off into a tantrum, sometimes hitting me, and generally making the walk home miserable. So I'm tackling this first. I'm going to arrive at school with no snack. If he kicks off, no telly for the rest of the day. And then I'm going to keep removing more and more privileges if he carries on. If he acts nicely he'll get loads of praise and attention. I'm fully expecting this to be horrific for the first few days weeks but hoping that if we sort this then better behaviour might follow in other ways too because he knows I mean business.

Good luck, parenting is bloody hard work.