declining teenagers behaviour and family breakdown - help needed

[ElzBevan]

We, like a lot of people own a 13 year old DD - we have had all the usual issues, instagram, boys etc and we have been disciplining her.
4 months ago she ran away, police were called immediately and she was back within a few hours. We have had a couple of incidents of grounding, and having devices removed.
on sunday night she was an hour late home, so we grounded her.
yesterday morning my hubby took me to work at 8am, by the time he got back at 8.10 she had gone. We left various texts, calls, and hubby went looking for her, we eventually called the police at 4pm.
She was found, in a boys house, about 6 miles away. She then got incredibly aggressive with the police and myself on the phone, saying she wants to go into care, she hates me, etc etc, very hurtful things. It took 3 policemen to get her in the van, and she was aggressive and hostile when she returned. She also told the police we hit her, which we don't!
Hubby is now saying he doesn't want her in the house, she is in tears, and the whole situation is generally a mess. i am hurt, angry and really don't know where to go from here.
any help or advice would be appreciated.

It sounds as though she has issues and is unable to talk to you about them. Also the grounding, removing devises and punishments are not working, just widening the gap.

Is your husband expecting a 13 year old to sleep on the streets? Where would she stay if not at her home? I would try getting some counselling, kids don't usually run away from home unless they are desperately unhappy, there must be a reason, have you asked her?
Sorry if I sound nasty but just going from your post it seems a lot of punishing is going on and not much trying to understand why.

Also your husband and you need to agree on how you handle this, is he bullying? has dd's behaviour got worse all of a sudden or has it escalated over a period of time?

Em, you don't "own" a 13 year old so hopefully that is just unfortunate phrasing and not how you really think about your DD. Also, apart from being an hour late on Sunday for which she was grounded, you haven't really specified what the issues are - instagram? - what, just having an account, or swearing on it, or posting nude pics - there's a whole range there. Similarly - boys? - what about them - talking to them, hanging out with them, having boyfriends?

nothing to suggest, just sorry you are going through this, I think it is outside the range of normal teenage behaviour to be honest, running away twice asking to be taken into care, etc.

how is she doing at school?

how about asking your GP to point you in the right direction for some help?

Have you not gotten her into therapy? She desperately needs it.

Who is the boy, whose house she was at? Do you know him? What are the issues you have had with her around boys?

Does she have 'new stuff' that you didn't buy her?

Presumably there are no issues at home that could reasonably explain her behaviour?

Thanks for being judgy, as if I am not beating myself up enough.
There is plenty of love to go along with the discipline. Instagram is racy shots and conversations with men she has never met, the boy is some friend of a friend.
We know she has issues regarding her biological father.
My husband would never expect her to sleep on the streets, she is at home with us of course.
As it stands I took the initiative and called social services and they are sending someone out to see her.
So, for all of the people who had genuine advice or questions, thank you. For those who just want to see the negative, good luck. I'd come here for support not mum bashing.

It does sound as if talking with someone and can open up to would be enormously helpful. Does she ever open up to anyone?

You mentioned issues with her biological father. Do you think that those issues are driving a lot of this behaviour?

You don't come across brilliantly well in your OP. And when you add that your H doesn't want her in the house and later infer that he's her step father, that's concerning too. What IS it acceptable for people to say to you? Lots of people have hard times with their teenagers. You sound very rigid. People have asked you lots of relevant questions. I don't see mum bashing. If you actually came here for advice, then calm down and try to take people's comments on board. It's doubtful that you and your H are handling things in an ideal way. Or do you just want everyone to say that your 13 year old is horrible and you and your H are wonderful? As a teenager, I would have done pretty much anything not to spend the day alone in the house with my mum's husband.

elz...I am more than likely way way off the mark, but I'm going to say it anyway

'Asking to go into care', is common amongst girls who are being groomed. The y are alienated against their families. If they are in care, then the abusers have easier access.

Who is the 'friend of a friend'? Who are the people she talks to on instagram?

Does she have 'new stuff'? Clothes, phones? That you haven't bought her?

Good grief. Cut OP some slack. I know exactly what she means when she says we 'own a 13 year old'. I when I read that.

Everyone I know with a year 8 child has said their child has been very difficult this year: Gobby,rude, answering back, very emotional, very hormonal, not wanting to have anything to do with parents.

The issue here is this has escalated, significantly with running away, police, texting men etc.

What have SS said?
If your GP supportive?

What did she do that needed discipline?

How do you discipline her? Do you talk about things, or lay down the law?

At that age, they can respond well to being treated/spoken to as adults, rather than kids.

Sometimes, harsh discipline can escalate a situation, and then is may feel a more dramatic response (running away) is required.

She sounds very angry, do you know why? How does she get on with your DH? Does he normally like her and enjoy her company?

At this age kids need a lot of love/hugs as well as the conflict

I only have boys (13, 14) but find I need to constantly tweak how I treat them, as they change so quickly.

Sounds terrifying. Sorry no real advice. I hope things are calmer today. What do school say, are things ok there? What was going on when she was an hour late? Does she have female friends, are they nice and are they worried?

I think it's great that you've put yourself forward for help from SS. Your daughter sounds desperately unhappy with no support, love or anyone to turn to.

Have you considered support for yourself too? As you move forward that's definitely worth considering. When so much is going on it's exhausting and worrying for everyone. Looking after yourself and knowing what best to do in a given situation is very difficult.

I sought support at a time when one of my DCs went off the rails. He wouldn't accept any. I found the support very helpful.

Thank you all
Dh has been in her life since she was 14 months old, and they have a great relationship. When just said he said he didn't want her there i think it was just a reaction to the situation, they had a good talk last night while I was at work.
Her biological dad didn't see her for 10 years, reappeared when she was 10 (at her request not his) then disappeared again a year later he is now in Thailand and they have no contact.
I don't think she is being groomed. I do think she is easily led and will do things to please others, so they like her. We have tried to explain that she should just be herself but it isn't always that easy.

We are quite strict with discipline. She has been grounded before, and it has never been an issue.
She has opened up a bit more now, and told us she was talked into going to her friends house, then a group of then where dropped at another friends about 8 miles away. I think cos she knew she shouldn't have been there the situation got away from her and by the time the police arrived she was embarrassed which made her combative.
The boy in question dumped her last night, by sending me a Facebook message.
Hopefully ss can give both her and us some guidance.

That update sounds positive op.
I hope you didn't find my post too harsh, I've two girls myself and dread the teenage years.
It does sound like your dd is crying out for attention and as parents it's hard to know how to deal with it.
You obviously care otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

I hope ss can provide some support for your family

I would probably accept Family Therapy if SS offer it. Also see what they can do to help your DD to get some counselling (CAHMS, through school or a charity).

But your flat out denial that she is being groomed does seem suspicious to me. When my DD was having issues I was fully prepared for all kinds of stuff coming out - because I knew that something must have caused her behaviour. I also knew that stuff goes on in our children's lives - that we don't lie about. (Probably especially on line.)

Has she had counselling about her Dad?
Your DH needs to understand that he cannot make threats like that again. Her place in the family is a fact not something she needs to earn.

It's great that she has opened up a bit. How old are these "friends" and who was it who drove them to someone's house? It's ringing alarm bells if she is hanging out with 17 year olds or older. What 17 yo wants to spend time with a 13 year old.
Bear in mind that grooming gangs will use young lads to befriend vulnerable girls who then pass the girls on to their older brothers/friends. The girls think the young lad is their "boyfriend :-/"

Please go to the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS for her, although it may take ages.

Had a really positive visit from the Social Worker. She is going to refer her to teens know crisis as well as organise a mentor for her at school. We also are having a behaviour contract put on place

Theye have said we have no need for a family social worker as well