Deterioration of behaviour since the arrival of new sibling.

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a son, aged 3.5 years and since bringing home the new baby (a week ago) his behaviour has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

Over the last 2-3 days it's become absolutely draining and me and DH feel utterly miserable dealing with it all the time.

He's hitting out, throwing things, shouting, stamping his feet, being deliberately naughty and defiant and just generally really pushing our buttons. When he spends time with other family members and when he's at the childminders he's perfectly well behaved but at home he's awful.

I'm assuming it's a reaction to DS2 being here and me and DH are trying to be understanding and patient but it feels like we are constantly having to tell DS1 off.

Please tell me it will get better

This is very common, especially for a 3.5 year old. Children that age are total narcissists, (as is normal!), and sharing is very, very hard. In your son's world, everything revolves around him, and now all of a sudden there is this new little creature mummy and daddy and everyone else is paying attention to. NOT COOL! I assure you he will adjust, and I recommend that you try to spend one on one time with him as much as possible, while at the same time don't just let him get away with awful behaviour. He needs to know you won't tolerate hitting, throwing, etc. Stay strong! You'll make it!

Given how early into being a family of 4 you are, I would avoid you eldest being babysat elsewhere (other family or childminder) for a while.

I think that two weeks paternity time when Mum and Dad are both around is a great opportunity to bind as a family group. I'm not sure of the value of DS1 going to childminders so soon - he needs some time to start to love, care for and bond with his new sibling, just as you do.

If your DH is around and hands-on, I found my older siblings relished the 121 time they got with Dad when I had a baby. So basically I have primary focus on the needs of baby (as is necessary when breastfeeding) and DH would maintain his primary focus on the needs of the older children.

I find that rather than both Mum and Dad sharing attention between both children, this 121 time with either Mum or Dad, and being their priority, helps ease through the change in family dynamic.

It took my ds1 6 months to 'get used' to his new brother. Now ds2 is older, they fight all the time

I don't mean this to sound harsh but what do you expect? His entire world has just turned upside down. He needs time to adjust, to grieve the life he had before where he was centre of attention, and he needs to know that he's still as important to you and DH as ever whilst he does so.
Agree with pp about 121 time and not sending him away to GP or whatever, unless that was his usual routine beforehand. At 3.5 he should be old enough to have a conversation about how he feels about a new sibling. Explain that although things are different you still love him etc. and understand it's hard for him. Get him involved as much as you can in baby care etc as well so he doesn't feel isolated from you all.

I did expect him to play up - I'm just venting and looking for reassurance.

When I had DS2 he came in unexpected circumstances and I was in hospital for 5 days and I think DS found that hard. He had to go to childminder and relatives because DH was needing to split his time between DS1 and being with me in hospital.

The one thing I am thankful for is that DS1 adores the baby, he's so loving and affectionate towards DS2 and is always kissing him and telling him how much he loves him. If I talk to DS1 about going out for the day, to the park for example, DS1's first question will be to make sure "baby brother" is coming too. When he wakes up in the morning the first thing he wants to do is see his brother. Seeing the love DS1 feels makes things easier to bear although I anticipate his feelings towards the baby may change in time.

I have as much 1-2-1 time as I can with DS1 and I make a point of being the one to bath him every night and put him to bed and do bedtime stories and cuddles etc so we have that quality hour together. I really, really miss being able to spend as much time with DS1 as I used to. I had to have an emergency c-section too which also limits my activities with DS1 as we can't go out anywhere as I can't drive, I can't walk far distances and I can't have him jumping on me and cuddling me like he used to. He does know that mommy has a "poorly tummy" from where the baby came out but he still forgets every now and then that I can't do all the things with him that I want to. I'm also breast feeding so that takes up a lot of time too. DS1 is actually being patient, understanding and tolerant most of the time but when his behaviour suddenly explodes he's very hard to manage and it's hard not to get angry.

Me and DH had previously agreed that we'd be lenient on behaviour when DS2 came along (unless DS1 was hurting someone) but when he's being really naughty it's impossible to ignore.

It's just a lot of upheaval for him in one go as he also starts pre-school next week. He's been going to taster sessions for over a month and he loves it there but it's another change he's going to have to cope with.

We've got a lot of family events coming up though where we can spend quality time together as a four so I will look forward to that.

I obviously love having DS2 but the guilt I feel towards DS1 regarding how different our relationship currently is, is immense

It'll get better it really will.

My DS1 would burst into tears at the slightest thing when his baby brother turned up. Not helped by the fact that I had birth complications which meant lots of emergency trips to doctors for me. He picked up on the fact that everyone was worried about me and became really difficult to manage.

We dealt with it by putting him first for pretty much everything, unless I was BF. So if DS1 wanted mummy, then daddy had to deal with DS2 (consequently their bond was fantastic from just a few days old - much better than DS1 and DH at the same age). Of course, a few months down the line we had to adjust it because it was no longer fair on DS2!

Now they are older and generally get on really well together. DS1 also never took it out on DS2 - he took it out on us! Which from talking to friends is very very normal.

Hi writer, I also had a c-section (though planned) 2 weeks ago with a 3.5 year old. Please don't feel guilty about making use of grandparents, childminder etc - it's really important for you to heal and recover from the section.
However when you are ready I did find that ours settled down in the second week when it was just me and DH and I was gradually doing more of the things I used to do eg going into him in the morning.
I don't know how you're feeling but at 2.5 weeks I'm feeling loads stronger and much less vulnerable in terms of him jumping on me etc.
We also have a change of routine coming up as he is going back to the preschool he has been at but with a lot more hours so it will be interesting to see how that goes but actually I think he's missing the other children/structure/routine etc of preschool/nursery (he used to go to nursery by my work as well as preschool where we live). He's not been in formal childcare at all over the summer holidays and I think it's hard for him not knowing what to expect every day so I'm crossing my fingers that he will settle well into the new routine.

It's interesting that you decided to be lenient on behaviour - I decided to stick to the same rules as far as possible to keep things as consistent as possible. I doubt there's a right or wrong answer but interesting to hear a different approach.
Wishing you all the best - it's not easy.

Ps a lot of the pushing the boundaries behaviour that we're seeing here actually started before the baby arrived, presumably due to being unsettled over summer holidays from childcare, plus me being incapacitated by late pregnancy.

I read that the older sibling feels something like grief when you bring home a new baby, similar to how you'd feel if your DH brought home a new girlfriend and just expected you to get on with it with no complaints. Not sure how true that is but it helped me to be more understanding of the massive upheaval DS was going through. We're 13 weeks in and it has got easier. DS is now really close to his dad though, much prefers him to me which is a bit sad!

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be sensitive to DS1s needs in difficult circumstances. And how lovely that he adores his baby brother. The fact he does is possibly making it harder for him to understand and express his own negative feelings about it, and leading him to act out in other ways? Maybe have a talk with him so he knows it's okay to be having a hard time and sometimes feel unhappy about how his life has changed. He might also feel guilty about his feeling when the expectation is that he should be happy to have a brother. I'm sure you and DH are also finding it hard to adjust, which will help normalise the emotions for DS1 if he knows you find it hard sometimes.

Totally understand feeling guilty too, it's normal. I'm due in a December and already feel guilty about how it will affect the time I have to dedicate to each child. It will get better though!

This happened to us when DC2 arrived, 3 year age gap.
Terribly behaviour for several months by DC1 - again not directed at baby. Found it v difficult to manage and tried all the usually advice. It eventually stopped (or reduced anyway!) and they are great pals now three years later (most of the time anyway!).
DC3 has arrived now and DC2 is quite put out (DC1 is a dream this time age 6) but definitely not as badly affected as DC1 was.
It will get better!