Does anyone have a child who gets very upset at being told off?

[Tilapia]

I have a 7yo DS. He's a good boy, but obviously sometimes I need to tell him off. Recent examples - squabbling with his sister over the iPad, spilling a cup of ribena and trying to clean it up himself instead of telling me - all really normal 7yo stuff.

I'm honestly not a shouty mum, but he gets very upset when I tell him off, however mildly. He starts talking about what a bad boy he is (which isn't the case at all!) and stays upset for a long time. It's getting to the point when I dread having to tell him off!

Any thoughts or experiences to help me deal with this?

Do you tell him he is bad when you do tell him off? Or do you just tell him the 'thing' he has done is bad?

Good point algebraic, in that are you distinguishing between the two. It's the behaviour that's bad, not him. Also, it would depend on how you deal with his reaction after, could he be getting extra attention as a result? So, to sum it up, it sounds like he needs it explained to him why was he did was wrong and perhaps how it made you feel. Remind him you love him and just try and move on. If he says he's a bad boy just correct him, no what you did was naughty you're not bad. Just try not to join him in turning it into a big thing. Good luck!

Yes exactly. It needs to be clear that people make mistakes and sometimes unintentionally do 'bad' things, but that doesn't make them bad.

Thanks both. Agree the wording is important. I'll try to phrase it better next time.

The attention thing is tricky... I've tried ignoring him, but then he just goes upstairs and stays upset alone in his room for ages, which makes me feel so bad!

The funny thing is that if you met him you'd never guess he is so sensitive. He's strong and brave for his age, good at football and never makes a fuss when he falls over. But emotionally is a different story!

DS1 was like this but only at a young age (as a toddler he'd cry if told off. Totally different to his younger brother who just grins. Sigh)

However I absolutely HATED being told off throughout my childhood.

I'm not entirely sure why, but even telling me to stop talking so loudly would make me feel awful inside - stomach churning, very anxious.

Consequently I almost never did anything wrong, which is not great as I never learnt that people make mistakes, so I agree you need to help him although I can't really say how!

My daughter was and still is like this as a teenager, I don't tell her off just talk it through. She has only ever been told off twice by teachers and was devastated and it really affected her confidence. I think she is far too sensitive (unlike me) so had to adapt.

Yes indeed!

And thinking about it, I'm like Atlantic in the way I avoided the horror of being told off, and now I find it very hard to cope with doing anything wrong or feeling 'told off' as I go to that dark place again straight away. Hummm.

One thing I've tried to do with DS last year (when he was 6), is incorporate a visual 'lesson' each time he was told off to emphasize that it's behaviour, not him that's bad/not good/ whatever, and that once the sorrys are done the whole thing is over.

It was a empty little box (an old round chocolate box), and when he did something wrong / got told off, I'd put a blob of bluetak or screwed up paper in the box, and after we'd talked about it and he'd said sorry, and we'd hug, I'd take it out and say 'look, it's gone now, nothing left, back to normal, it doesn't stay in here, and the x behaviour / telling off doesn't stay with you either...'

Obviously that only works with a child who's not doing lots of repeat bad behaviour though...?

Actually, I think I need to do this again as I've fallen into verbal tellings off and argh, dare I say it, nagging / going on about it... which is really rubbish for a child who takes everything to heart. Bugger.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's made me realise I need to pull my socks up.

A visual metaphor worked well, but not sure if that was the best idea for the metaphor, any other ideas I could use?

I have a similar problem except from the other angle, I'm totally useless at the telling off part, it makes me feel so horrible and anxious and I never know how to do it so it doesn't end up very effective.

What I've found useful instead is trying a problem solving approach instead. We still do consequences like go to your room to calm down/screen time loss/grounding can happen but also when something is either recurring or he doesn't seem to know it's a problem I wait until he's calm and we talk about the situation that leads to the behaviour and how he can handle it better another time. We make a plan together and it really helps.

My DS with ASD gets very upset if he's told off. He's very rule bound and always does what he believes to be the right thing, so if he gets told off, it seems really unjust in his mind.
To be fair, I hardly ever have to tell him off, and usually if I do it's more a case of me being impatient than him doing the wrong thing.
I'm lucky really. He has SEN but they make him really easy to parent as he always does what is expected of him. I just need to be aware that it is anxiety driven and reassure him that it's ok to make mistakes sometimes.

NC4now Can I ask what prompted you to get a diagnosis if you don't mind? And what are the benefits of a diagnosis?
My son sounds very similar, always does what's expected of him, very easy to parent, absolutely hates getting told off. Getting in trouble at school is his worst nightmare. If I do have to tell him off he just goes to his room upset, I'll give him 5 minutes then go up and talk about it. He also has sensory issues around food and clothes and some loud noises (he'll cover his ears if an adult raises their voice). I always just saw these as quirks and if it wasn't for MN ASD wouldn't have crossed my mind due to there being no behavioural or social issues. He's generally very confident, sociable and able and none of these issues cause him problems in general everyday life (although the food thing is a pain for me). He's very easy going in a lot of ways, good at compromise, easily pleased and rarely grumpy. It's just reading posts on here that has got me thinking.

Apologies for hijacking OP, I hate starting threads

Sure Usernameenvy. My DS gets extremely upset by raised voices too (we have a wayward teen in the house!)
There have been things that the professionals have noticed over the years - that he is very precise with his schoolwork, gets very upset at making mistakes. He's always hated dressing up and drama type activities, so he has refused to participate in things like World Book Day, or class plays. He's very polite in his refusal, but there's no budging on it!

He's moving up to high school now, where he will have lots of different teachers and be in a more overwhelming environment, but he has a pass to a quiet space where he can go to get away from things if it's a bit much.
His teachers will be made aware of his diagnosis so will be able to help him - he finds noisy classrooms quite overwhelming, but works well on his own.

His teachers really bring out the best in him, because they are great teachers and he likes to please them, but it does help for them to understand him, so they can support him and encourage him if he's struggling.

HTH

Thanks NC4now. It sounds like it would be useful to speak to his teacher and maybe the gp. He's in a new class which I think is quite boisterous, he's also got a male teacher for the first time and as I've raised him alone I think he'd get quite upset if a man shouted at him. It's so hard to know what to do for the best. Think i need to go and do some reading to get a better understanding myself so I can support him as best I can. Like I say there's nothing that really causes him any problems but I wouldn't like to think he's just learnt to cope and is hiding feelings of anxiety for example. Thanks again for your reply, I can see that a diagnosis can be helpful particularly in an educational setting.

Thanks for all of these thoughtful responses, especially the poster who said they feel the same way about being told off. I'm quite a 'water off a duck's back' type of person, so it's important for me to try and see this from DS's perspective.