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Original poster

4yo Mummy's boy- dejected dh

14 replies

MissusBeee · 26/08/2017 19:02

4yo ds (only child) has always been all about mummy which dh has never found easy (he, understandably, feels excluded, unloved etc.). 18mths ago we went from both working part time to me working full time and dh staying at home. Ds has always been in nursery. Mixture of part time and full time depending on life, now he is in his preschool year he's now going every day until 2.30). Dh takes him and picks him up, they then have about 3-4 hours before I get home.

Anyway, I'm hoping there is a better approach to this as it's driving me crazy. please help lovely mumsnetters!

Ds loves having a 'mummy day' just him and me which we do most weekends and have done since I went back to work full time.

We alternate bath and bedtimes (although there are normally tears when it's daddy's turn).

I find the whole thing wearing- not so much ds, but more dh as he tends to just go off in a sulk and moan about how difficult the rejection is. I'm finding myself getting annoyed at him for it and his lack of help in resolving any of the meltdowns! I'm also jealous of all the time he ends up getting to himself when I'm giving ds one on one time with me.

Ok moan over. Any advice- should I just accept that ds wants mummy for bedtime every night and get on with it (and deal with sulking dh) or continue to alternate?

Do you think mummy days are helping or hindering in my efforts?

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Velvian · 26/08/2017 19:08

I have exactly the same problem with my 4yo ds. I put it down to separation anxiety. He is getting better; i asked for some advice from the children's centre & they suggested making a picture board to show ds what was happening throughout the day in pictures/photos. It would include who is collecting him, who is doing stories & bedtime, any activities, visitors etc. I haven't actually done the board yet, but it has helped to talk it all through with ds. DH is supportive though, ds is dc3 so dh has been through it before (to a lesser extent)

Original poster

MissusBeee · 26/08/2017 19:24

Thanks Velvian, it's good to know it's not just us then! The picture board sounds like a great idea- that may well help take the surprise out of it for him!

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sourpatchkid · 26/08/2017 19:32

Sorry but DH needs to work on his rejection issues. I know it sucks, I get it but I'll bet anything your DS is picking up on it and it's making him less likely to be want to be with dad

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Mrscropley · 26/08/2017 19:34

Dh needs to find a hobby that is just for him and ds!! Mini golf? Swimming?

Original poster

MissusBeee · 26/08/2017 20:15

A very good point, @sourpatchkid, I hadn't considered that option! DH always says that ds is fine with him when I'm not around and he is obviously not feeling rejected! I'll work on how to bring it up with dh!?!

Mrscropley, hobbies they can do together is another great idea! I'm not the greatest fan of swimming so I'll start there!

Thank you for some great thoughts

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MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 26/08/2017 21:06

I do bath, story and bed time every night for this reason.

My dh gets to potter around and play on his phone every night for an hour and he loves the down time so no rejection issues. If I made dh do bedtime I think coping with the tears would change that though, so for us me just doing it works better.

Occasionally I get my hair cut after work or meet a friend for dinner. On the nights I don't go home bed and bath are easy and he doesn't notice I'm there. Do you ever have an evening to yourself? It might help both you and your dh.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 26/08/2017 21:07

I'm not there I meant!

DrizzleHair · 26/08/2017 21:10

We have similar with DD nearly 4, she's always been like it. DH has worked 4 days pw since she was born, and looks after her solo one day a week as do I, so we've been equal in our parenting for a long time now but still I'm first - ninth and he gets tenth place in the love list most days.

It is very difficult indeed. No advice, just sympathy

NataliaOsipova · 26/08/2017 21:16

DH always says that ds is fine with him when I'm not around and he is obviously not feeling rejected!

Here's another perspective. I'm a SAHM - have been from the start. So my DC were (still are) very attached to me. But if my DH is around? It's like that scene from the bloody Railway children - "Daddy, my Daddy!"....even if they saw him at 7.30 that morning. It's perhaps the same for you as the working parent. There's an excitement about your coming home or being there to do something special with your DS. But it should in no way feel like a rejection of your DH.

Velvian · 26/08/2017 21:49

Also, op,since I've been thinking about a solution to ds's anxiety, I've tried to take stock of what I'm doing that exacerbates the situation. I have quite a lot of anxiety at leaving ds (in particular) due to a series of events when i went back to work after mat leave (2 failed childcare placements, house move & ds having an accident), which meant that ds was very upset when I left him. We are repeating those behaviours when i leave him, i think. I am trying to act more confidently in leaving & being a more matter of fact about when i will be home, what's happening, rather than saying it like an apology. It's really tricky, but I think we are getting there.

Velvian · 26/08/2017 21:50

Btw, my ds is always fine when I'm not there, he gets upset when I am there and he worries I will be leaving.

Original poster

MissusBeee · 27/08/2017 21:42

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and sympathy! I guess it's just the St some kids are and it's true that I'm definitely more of a novelty as I'm not around all the time.

It's a good point about anxiety/ apologising @Velvian, I definitely do that- so will make a conscious effort not to! Btw. Sounds like you had a horrendous time after may leave so well done for leaving ds at all!

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GreenTulips · 27/08/2017 21:48

You need to tell DH that's it's not a competition and kids need both parents.

DS was the same fine round me all day and suddenly glued to DH when he came home - I was happy to have some freedom, I didn't see it as a rejection because DH was suddenly 'favourite' (probably sick to death of me after 10 hours at home)

Your DH needs to grow up and see things differently and you need to ignore the sulking

WombOfOnesOwn · 28/08/2017 01:27

Doing the "every other day" bath/bed routine just seems confusing for a child who has a clear favorite.

Have you considered having DH do the bath/bed routine daily for a while until the phase is past? Your son will stop protesting DH doing it if it's just "the routine," and mummy doing it is no longer an option. He may have a problem with it for the first week, but I bet he'll settle right into the new routine after.

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