My adult daughter

[MrsChristmas123]

Does anyone else have problems with their adult daughter from time to time?

My daughter is nearly 25 and single. She has always been anxious and has been on anti depressants for a while, she has just come off them over the past two months.

She has just come back from teaching abroad and is living with me, as well as staying with friends or b&bs as the fancy takes her.

My daughter has a few friends who are more important to her than anything and she is very close to my elderly mother.

I'm not sure where I fit in her life other than to provide her with a place to stay and food when she needs it. I love her dearly and would anything for her but I don't think she cares too much about me.

I live on my own and divorced from her father who has since remarried with a family of his own and my daughter is very close to him and his family.

I have a son who lives abroad and another daughter who lives away.

My daughter and me get on well provided that I don't ask anything of her and allow her to come and go as she pleases.

She has been back living with me for a month and we have not spent one evening together because she is out with her friends.

She is temping at the moment and I give her lifts to work and buy her food for her. We are cordial with each other and I tell her I love her.

I am used to being alone and happy with my own company. I had hoped to spend time with my daughter but it's obvious that her friends and work are more important. I understand this.

I just feel incredibly sad that I don't have a relationship with her. I know that if I suggest something she will be too busy, will forget...

Today I asked a favour of my daughter, just half an hour of her time whilst I was giving her lift to her b & b for the weekend. This provoked a massive outburst from her where she said some pretty hurtful things and me trying to keep the peace.

I'm so pleased she's back and I don't want drive her away.

She is looking for permanent work and will be moving out for good once she finds her own place and be where she wants to be, in the centre of things with her friends,

Am I being used? She is not affectionate unless I instigate it.

I just can't work where I've gone wrong with her. I don't hear from my son either but my middle daughter keeps in touch.

I look after my elderly mum who has early dementia.

I try not impose on my children's lives and have always been there for them.

I don't know how to cope with my daughter who seems so stressed and angry most of the time, sometimes it's just easier to let her have her way whilst she's with me. I don't know how long she's going to be staying with me in odd nights...she's not told me her plans. I just feel I'm a place to go to when her friends are not around.

This outburst today has really upset me and what I wanted to avoid at all costs as our relationship so fragile.

Please, has anyone any advice how I handle this?

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered but sounds like you could do with being a bit more assertive and she is taking you for granted a little. Why can she not get to work herself and buy her own food?

Thinking back to when I was 25, not that long ago as only early 30s, I used to enjoy days and meals out with my Mum or watching a film together. I'm sorry it's not like that for you and can appreciate it's different for everyone.

One thing I do remember is when my friend came back from living abroad she was quite depressed/ruderless and didn't really know what she was doing with her life. Hopefully once your daughter moves out and finds her feet a bit more she might be happier in herself and in turn be nicer to you

As a side note I don't think you can force her to be more affectionate if that's just her way. My Mum used to always say I didn't hug her enough and made me feel guilty but I felt I showed my love in other ways and I'm not overlt affectionate person!

Wise advice from both pp. Agree that you cannot force affection, or even shows of affection. Otoh there is no need to carry on babying your dd: adults make their own way to work and either sort out their own food or take it in turns with the other adults in the household.

Hello again

Thank you for your replies and advice.

After I wrote this thread things did get better between my daughter and me and we settled into this groove together. She's been away for 18 months and I know how hard it is for her to come back and live with mum again.

My daughter has come off anti depressants and is still coping with that but does not want to go back on them again.

She has finished her temping job and has now found a permanent job locally which she is really pleased about. Also, her father is buying her house very soon, so she should be settled.

My daughter does suffer with anger issues (I don't want to label her but she is very moody, angry and aggressive) especially when things don't go her way.

We are definitely not as close as we used to be and I have now found out why.

I have tried to be supportive but not intrude.

She does not like living with me because I'm having building work done which wakes her up at 8:00 am (not every day, just occasionally) and this evokes shouting, screaming and banging of doors. I think it's the temper tantrums and outbursts that end in tears that I find most stressful.

Last week I had hired a painter to paint on the landing near her bedroom and she got furious and swore at him because he was talking on the phone to his boss (it was late morning). I had to apologise profusely. This is all so stressful for everyone. I can't help that I'd planned the work without knowing she was coming back to live with me.

I am just trying to keep a steady ship until she moves into her new property. I find just saying sorry to her usually works and just listening sympathetically. I cannot offer advice to my daughter about her life decisions now all I can do is just listen and be supportive.

Just recently she has started telling me how to look after the dog, how to run my home...I don't mind but it is a bit annoying and I mostly ignore it. I just think she cares. I just want a peaceful life and I know it won't be forever.

Things have been building this week tho, tension wise. She's been out housing hunting, combining with going for job interviews and keeping her social life going.

She came in late one night (she's not working and expects to sleep late to catch up) and got woken up by my builder drilling near her bedroom. I can't stop the builder because it's part of the building project. She went ballistic that she'd been woken up and I apologised profusely, promising it won't happen again. (I've asked the builders to speak to me first before they do their work.) However, my daughter was screaming and shouting and banging doors, it was awful.

I know she's stressed but I feel helpless to deal with her. Now her low mood and stress is being passed onto me and I feel depressed! I try to get out of the house as much as possible to give her space and I'm sure she does the same for me.

Last night tho, was the last straw. My daughter was suffering from lack of sleep and sat in front of the TV all day, taking calls from estate agents. She decided to go out and see her friend but had no change for the bus (I normally give her lift but just didn't feel like driving) and she went ballistic again because I had little change either. She was screaming, shouting, swearing, banging doors. I'd got to the point where I was going through drawers for bits of change to keep the peace.

It was at this point that I broke down in tears and all my daughter could say is what's the matter with you? I just felt so battered.

In the end I agreed that I'd give her lift after I'd eaten my dinner, then she calmed down. It was during this time I made a comment about feeling a bit down myself and I just said that I'd felt a bit left out of her house hunting with her dad and his wife. This created a torrent of abuse from her again, aggression, vitriol over the past. I apologised again, again, telling my daughter that I could not turn back the clock, that I loved her and I was sorry for a wrong decision I'd made that had impacted on my children. My daughter brought up things about my son, really, really, hurtful things that made me cry.

This has happened so many times before where my daughter has got angry (not just with me, other people too) and she is very sorry afterwards.

Anyway, things calmed down and I took her to meet her friend. An hour later I get a call from her telling me she's sorry and am I okay. As usual, I say I'm okay because I just want peace.

I have been divorced from her dad for years but there have been issues with finances which I have had to resolve and this has created a rift.

I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. I'm soon to be 63 and am struggling to keep stable in such an oppressive atmosphere.

I cannot ask my daughter to leave because then her father and the rest of the extended family would become involved. I have tried talking to my daughter in a civilised manner but she just gets sarcastic and sensitive. I love having her around but can't handle her violent behaviour.

I understand that my daughter does this a lot and really struggles to keep it under control but just can't help swearing, cursing, screaming, shouting and throwing things around when things don't go her way.

Has anyone any ideas or been through it?

She sounds awful and completely spoiled. Her father is buying her a house?

It sounds as though you are completely stuck because all she needs to do is stamp her feet and her Dad will hand over the cash and undermine you. I'm really sorry, I don't have any helpful advice but you shouldn't have to live like this.

You can ask her to leave and in your shoes I would. She is behaving like that with you because she knows you won't do anything about it. She can live with extended family or her dad until her new home is ready. She's 25 and a fully grown adult. If she can hold down a job then she can control her behaviour, it's no different to an abusive partner.

I have a teenage daughter with anger issues and in 10 years time she will not be living with me if she cannot control her temper. When I had children I didn't sign up to a lifetime of abuse. I love her dearly but as an adult she will make her own choices.

From your first thread I wondered if, from her perspective there may have been issues with her feeling smothered or a bit hemmed in (I was trying to get a balanced picture) but from your update I thionyl she's behaving like a spoilt madam and you need to stand up for yourself. If this was a man you were living with, it would be considered abusive. Tell her 'No', let her have her tantrums and make it very clear you think her behaviour is more appropriate for a naughty 2 year old.

I'm disgusted at her behaviour on your behalf! Good luck

What's the issue from the past op? Her behaviour is appalling but can't help but feel you're glossing over something

I had to get involved with court issues where finances were concerned. I didn't have a pension because I wasn't able to work full time due to bringing a family as a single parent. My husband divorced me before pension sharing and so I was given monthly payments instead which were not index linked. I wanted a lump sum instead of monthly payments. This incensed their father who basically 'put the boot in'. It was better to do it legally as I was pretty vulnerable financially. My kids got the 'full monty' and now I'm the villain.

Why are you apologising for that and how is it an error? Unless you're leaving a lot out here it sounds like you've done your children and yourself a disservice by accepting responsibility for something that wasn't a mistake. How did you getting a fair divorce settlement negatively impact your children?

I told my children that I was seeing a solicitor to get monthly payments into a lump sum to finalise things forever and they were not happy about it.

Our divorce was not easy (there was another woman although only I knew about her) and it ended up in court first time around. My ex husband is all for using negotiation without solicitor involvement but I prefer the protection of solicitors because he is far wealthier than me. That annoyed him. It was left open ended at court in that I could go back at any time in the future because I could not earn enough for a pension. So I decided to go back to solicitors for advice.

My ex husband and we were getting along okay and my kids were relieved that we were. Me going to solicitors to finalise the divorce really upset my kids and they told me that they would never forgive me. They could not seem to grasp that I was really vulnerable financially, dependent on a handout every month.

My children are not the same with me now, they blame me completely for upsetting their father making him go back to court. According my daughter last night, my 'behaviour' nearly broke her father's marriage up and impacted on their half brothers. My son does not speak to me but my middle daughter seems to be okay.

You are right, I have done nothing wrong, other than taking legal advice to get what was mine by right but, for some reason, my children have taken their father's side and are hostile towards me.

I had no choice, I was vulnerable, reliant on my ex-husband's largess. My children wanted me to negotiate with their father but frankly, I didn't trust him to play fair with me. I instructed solicitors for my own protection and, at 63 with no pension, it was the right decision for me.

However, I have paid a heavy price in that I do not have the relationship that I used to have with my children. It doesn't matter how often I try to explain my reasons they just don't accept it and say that I have hurt their father dreadfully.

There is probably no solution and I'm incredibly sad and lonely at times.

This is not excusing your daughters behaviour and aggressive outbursts but have you over shared about the divorce, finances and court proceedings over the years?
I have been through the same thing, court 7 times and twice this year. My now grown up children know little of this and the 2 times I attended court this year they were both at home living with me and I simply told them I was going to a meeting etc.The less they know the better as in my view they simply do not need to know. Of course over the years despite best efforts things slip out as we are only human. You do not have any control over what your ex has told your children regarding this and he may well have tried to turn them against you, perhaps my ex did? However we never discuss it and they certainly do not appear to hold anything against me as I had to take the same route as you.Your ex does not sound like he has suffered financially due to the split if he can purchase your daughter a house so her argument sounds wrong to me.

You should ask her to leave, her behaviour is unacceptable, it's your house and your rules. If she's that close to her father she should go and live with him, she's his problem too. What does your other daughter think?

Kick the bitch out.

If her father is so wonderful she can go and live with him.

You couldn't have destroyed their fathers lives that much if he's about to by her royal cuntness a house.

Accept that your children have been poisoned and only give proportionally to how they treat you.

It sounds like you've spent your whole life devoted to them. When do you get to live? When do you become the number one priority?

Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

I can't forget the terribly cruel comments my daughter made and I can't accept that I deserve to be treated so disrespectfully. She called me a liar and made me feel like shit in my own home.

If it happens again she'll have to find somewhere else to live.

I'm beyond caring any more.

I'm 26 and live with my mum (we split everything 50/50 as both low wage earners so better than us living in separate house shares with strangers) but if I ever treated her like that I would expect to be told where to go. It is unacceptable for her to treat you like that! I adore spending time with my mum and I know she feels the same about me.

We all get angry at times but her behaviour is atrocious and you shouldn't accept it any longer.

I can't help wondering why she hasn't chosen to live with her father if she feels likes she does over the divorce. It also sounds as if her father has perhaps over shared the divorce details. You were awarded what the court considered appropriate but maybe his view is different as he felt that you were not entitled to capital in lieu of pension i assume? Do your children believe that your marital assets should have favoured their father and that you should have been left worse of than him?

Hello Looksprettybad

I am sorry for not answering your question...

There is a lot of history.

My exhusband left me for someone else although he made out to our children that he just fell out of love with me and just became friends with his now wife after he left.

I admit was bitter and upset over this. I was a single parent for many years and our children did take my side because they knew that I was left on my own with just my kids.

The divorce proceedings were extremely bitter in that my ex husband did want to pay me anything but pay for the children. It took two years to sort it out with me being paid a monthly allowance.

Over the years my ex husband's wealth accumulated as mine went down as I could work full time.

I waited until my youngest had left home (at 21) before I consulted Solicitors about finalising the monthly payments into a lump sum, which my ex could easily afford. He is a multi-millionaire.

When the solicitors were going to write to my ex husband I just casually told my adult children what I had done and the reasons why. They went ballistic, telling me how much it would upset them if I did that and that would never forgive me. They told me that there had been too much upset over the years from the divorce and that they were just getting over it.

My son is very offhand with me, my middle daughter is very busy and my youngest is living with me but goes out every evening with her friends.

I feel that I have lost my close relationship with my children now which makes me sad as I was the one who brought them up.

My children have lots of contact with their father which is great but I can't help but feel left out and unloved.

I had no choice but to get this sorted as I was reliant on my ex husband paying every month but my children just seem to understand that. They imply that I am greedy and had no need to do what I did.

They say that time is a great healer and I'm hoping that my children will be friends with me again.