How to do 'self settling'

[Need20yearsofsleep]

First time post

I thought I was supposed to get easier the baby would be upset the first few goes but then get used to settling himself to sleep. I have been nagged by my dm and her friends about why isn't my ds self settling he should be by know all that carry on. I am only trying to do it now as I am going back to work soon. Have been trying this for nearly a month and he seems to just scream the house down as soon as you leave the room. He will fall asleep in the car or pram quite easily and you can tell he is tired. I've tried the start with 3 minutes then extend it by a minute each time before you go into him again. He moves himself around the cot and just cries the whole time it's killing me and seems to be worse each time and not better. Read that doing the first nap of the day is easiest but doesn't seem to be I have found it better to go for a walk or drive for the first one as it guarantees a nap so then he will nap again later. I hate the screaming it kills me and breaks my heart but how can I get him to self settle so that he will go down for naps for my df who is going to be looking after him. Any help would be amazing thank you

Hi OP

Sorry I don't have much advice on the self settling I too am trying to get my DS into a bed time routine as I'm due back to work in two months time

What I've tried this week as me and DH to had the screaming crying melt down moments when DS would become overtired because he wouldn't give in and go to sleep or didn't like to be left alone awake in his bed without us there.
As of this week we've tried new routines so every other night it might be a bath at 7.30 followed by a fed and then laying on our bed with him with his music on until he drifts off into a deep sleep then I simply pick him up and put him in his own cot he seems to sleep through again now waking at 2am usually for his dummy and then straight back to sleep until 5-6am for his morning feed

If it's not a bath then I'll simply read him a story then feed then settle him I will add as well it's usually me not my DH with us when I'm getting DS settled.

He is currently coming upto 5 months but we've not yet managed the self settling but at the moment this is pure heaven for us as it allows me and DH few hours downstairs to ourselves and our DS sleeping more.

I hope someone else can come along shortly who is more experienced with the self settling for you

OP, how old is your DS?

Hi he's 8 months he will go a couple of days where he will cry a little then go off quite quick but then other days he will cry loads and I end up either feeding him to sleep or walking or driving somewhere because I'm a wimp and can't leave him like that but know he's so tired and needs the sleep. He also now hates being put in his cot even when I'm just going to wash my hands or anything I could leave him sat up and he would just look for me and play peek a boo but he pulls himself up now so need to lower the cot as Well. My dh doesn't help out much with anything atm but he's going to be having him at least 1 day a week and I'm going to make sure of it. As I said to him I know I shouldn't have fed to sleep in the beginning but I was just in so desperate need for sleep I just did it. Thanks for your helpful advice dreams. We use white noise which seemed to help for a bit but then as I say he's different from 1 day to the next

My DD is 15 months and I went back to work when she was 11 months. My DD happily self settled as nursery but still have to cuddles to sleep at home. Who will be looking after him when you go back to work? My nursery taught DD to self settle, at first they would push in her her pushchair and then just had her in the pushchair and stroked her face and then they put her in a bed and stroked her face. Now they just put her in the bed and say sleep time and she goes to sleep.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. You have given your baby the security and love that he needs. If you wanted to sleep train then look at the disappearing chair. I only tried it once and my DD became upset so we didn't do it again and I am happy to cuddle her to sleep for as long as needed.

Have you read this? childsleepscience.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/nap-101-post-2-how-can-i-teach-my-baby-to-nap-in-the-crib/

I found it quite interesting/useful. I've just started nap training my 4.5-month DS so have been doing an awful lot of reading!

I did pick up put down, have a google and see if it's for you.. this sounds exactly how it was for me around the 8 month mark I did pick up/ put down and within a few weeks it had gotten a lot better but I would say your DH needs to help too. Fingers crossed for more sleep, I found after a year things in general got better.

Thanks for all the help. I don't mind feeding him to sleep I quite like the cuddles and he goes to sleep happy sleeps 8 hours a night it's just naps he's always been a difficult one since he was about a month old. His grandad (My dad) is having him At least 2 of the days then it's going to be my husband or my mum helping my dad the other 2 so I know he's with family and they would all take him out if they know he needs sleep or they're probably a bit better at not caving with the crying after having 2 kids and 2 other grandkids they've done it all with. I think it's mostly the constant why isn't he from my mum that's just bugged me to do it. I'll look up those ideas I actually found this one from reading millions online about how to 😫 that's good of the nursery to do that always thought they would be a bit funny and want then doing it already so that's great. Good luck to everyone else in this boat

My 3 yo and 15mo both need me there to help them fall asleep. He doesn't need to be doing anything for himself at 8mo. Let alone going to sleep.

Both my children were fed to sleep or went to sleep in buggies/car seat as babies. I went back to work when one was 11 months and one was 10 months and they both found a way to sleep at nursery /childminder so I wouldn't stress .

While I agree with the others that you have to do what's right for your baby and shouldn't stress about it, I don't think there's any harm in trying to teach independent sleep skills. You need to have time in the day to do things for yourself. We've just started a very gentle non-crying form of training (basically just offering the crib for every nap and then getting him to sleep the normal way if he's not keen) and it's actually started working. DS used to only sleep on one of us, but yesterday he had all his naps in the crib. I found the key things are a dark room, white noise, and giving plenty of chances to do it. Does your day follow any sort of natural schedule with naptimes? We worked out that DS was actually needing more of a routine - his day was all over the place and I was going out with him too much so he was basically permanently overtired. Now I'm making sure he's always in bed within two hours of waking. I know it's all down to individual temperaments, but I think it's time you tried to reclaim a bit of your day.

He normally wakes between 5.30 and 6 has a feed then porridge then nappy change and dressed if we're going out which he will sleep in car or pram if we are it's definitely easier to get him down in the afternoon if he's had that morning one. Then wake feed lunch at 12ish if he hasn't dozed off again if out then another feed then nap about 2 or 3 depending on lunch feed and nappy/clothing change as his has finger foods for lunch so can get quite messy 😅 then after second nap feed dinner then feed little play then star bed routine about 6.30pm but he goes off to sleep at all different times sometimes he will go off quite quick sometimes he will take a while. He's definitely to nosey for his own good so doesn't help when he's tired but wants to play still and not miss a thing. I was saying to my husband don't know if to start dinner earlier and bed earlier but then I don't finish work till 7.30 one night when my dad has him so would disturb his routine then so don't really know what to do in that sense. On the other hand I've not gotten used to a lie in so will be able to get up bright and early for my 6am shifts 😄 I think people beeping horns and startling him awake hasn't helped either. He has tried to trick us a few times as Well by being quiet so we think he's asleep and look in to check on him and he's popping his head up smiling at us. The disappearing chair one I looked at this morning when we had been for a walk for his nap as needed to go the shop sounds good but don't know if our creaky floor boards will wake him when I move But will try and see. He's never really need swaddled as midwife told us not to and doesn't cuddle to sleep as much as feed and wriggle round the bed these days so maybe it is working slowly and he's just doing it his own way. He does like the white noise. Maybe I should just leave it to lazy sod hubby when I go to work and not worry as you've all said

You've done nothing wrong OP - I think your mum is being unreasonable putting this pressure on you (and baby) but she may be of the generation that was told to let baby cry it out... There's nothing wrong with feeding babies to sleep it's what comes natural to both mum and baby. Sleeping alone in a room by themselves does not come naturally and every baby is different so some may be happy to do this earlier than others.
Here is what helped my DS1 to eventually settle for naps in his cot without using CIO or controlled crying methods (but I'll be honest, he napped mostly in his pushchair until well over a year old, maybe up to about 18 months?):
Have a music/night light by his cot (tranquil turtle worked well for us with DS1), put this on when starting to settle him. Ideally one on a timer that goes off after say 20 mins or so.
I would start sitting next to his cot singing and stroking his head until he went to sleep, later I would sit silently without singing, then drop the stroking, eventually I'd stand in the room and keep moving closer to the door, talking to him reassuringly I would eventually go and stand just outside his door, until he finally got to the point where he went to sleep without me in the room, just having his music on was enough.
This did take weeks (months?) but worked for us.

Is there any reason why your DF can't take baby for a walk in his pram and let him nap there? I really don't see the issue, it's not like he'll be at a nursery where staff cannot do this?

My dad will happily take him for a walk or drive it's more the husband that is a lazy sod/ hermit. And my mum and her friend that believe he should be self settling but then again my mum has told me he should have a dummy nearly everyday since he was born 😒 which has just made me feel she wouldn't look after him if he wasn't self settling.. She has looked after him and has said she will but just goes on about it so much. She's probably just doing the usual nan thing of this is what we did and what we know and I'm probably just taking it too personally. It's probably just my brain starting to realise going back to work week after next and not wanting to leave him too..

Well, how dare you do things differently from how your mum did it??
I know this is harder said than done but unless it is really important to YOU, then I'd just ignore your mum's (and her friends') unsolicited advice/criticism and do what you feel is best for YOUR baby.
Whatever you do you will never please everyone, there will always be someone to judge your parenting decisions.

Sorry to hear your DH isn't helpful, I'm sure it will do him some good to be "forced" to look after DS by himself when you're back at work! Does he know baby's daily routine for feeding/sleeping/nappy changes etc? You may have to write him a list...
My DP is very hands on with our DC, luckily, but I do have to remind him when it's time to change a nappy as he will "forget" and leave it for as long as he can get away with...!

Also yeah you may be overthinking things and feeling extra emotional because of going back to work soon and leaving baby in someone else's care, it's tough isn't it! That said I don't believe your mum wouldn't look after her grandson, she probably means well but doesn't know her boundaries (YOUR child, your choices)...