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Original poster

WWYD: careless loss of expensive gift

17 replies

FortunatelyUnfortunately · 23/08/2017 11:04

DS (12 yrs) has lost a present that I gave him that cost £150. It wasn't a birthday present or Xmas present. It was a kind of goodwill / well done for a good year at school / love you kind of gift. It was pretty spontaneous but he knew I was buying it as he was sitting with me helping me design it.

Quite frankly I don't quite know why I did it as he has form for losing things. This was discussed prior to purchase and he vowed that he'd look after it and that he would pay me back if he were to lose it.

Somewhat predictably, he has lost it. We've just turned his room inside out looking for it and it is nowhere. Other wider house searches have revealed nothing. It is about the size of a mobile phone.

So. It seems he doesn't have enough money in his account to pay me back. He has about a third of it. I have suggested that he pays me back in kind to via jobs which he has agreed to.

The thing is how do I make him actually do the jobs? They aren't difficult but some are time consuming (e.g. Cleaning out kitchen cupboards). He's quite lazy around the house and is the king of empty promises. I need him to understand that on my salary it would take me almost two days work to earn what the item cost. If he doesn't do the jobs then what are the ramifications? Of course he has received The Lecture regarding the situation. But i feel more is needed.

He gets £7 a week in pocket money. I could dock that but even if I dock the lot it will take 3+ months to pay it back. It will mainly mean he can't buy games /apps for his phone but he will be fine with that. Too fine. I want him to learn something here. It will also mean that come Xmas he has zero money to buy any gifts or anything.

Any ideas? Or am I going to have to chalk it up to experience and just give him socks in future next time I'm feeling full of maternal love and generosity?

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HanarCantWearSweaters · 23/08/2017 11:08

You can't make him pay it back because it wasn't something of yours he lost, it was a gift. The ramifications should fit the action, I.e he now doesn't have the item and for future birthdays and Christmases he knows he will get low value gifts. As well as cheap versions of the new shoes he wants/bag etc. And not buying on the spot things if you're in a shop and he asks for something, it will have to be "no DS, is not buying you things until you take better care of them" etc

Bloody annoying, though.

boopdoop · 23/08/2017 11:28

I don't understand why he has to pay you back? I'd understand that he might have to use his own money to replace it if that's what he wants to do, but if it was a gift I don't get making him give you the money for it too? Unless you we're going to buy him a replacement and then make him pay you back for that? Surely it's best to just let him live with the frustration of not having it, and he has to save up to replace if that's what he wants to do?

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunately · 23/08/2017 11:29

Yes. Very annoying.😖

I do see what you are saying but if I just ignore the fact that a very clear conversation and agreement - you could almost call it a condition if the purchase - was made that he would pay me back if he lost it, then what does that tell him about adhering to agreements?

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2014newme · 23/08/2017 11:32

Ah OK you didn't mention that it was agreed in advance that he had to pay you back if he lost it.

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunately · 23/08/2017 11:36

He won't bother to save up for a replacement. Not that he didn't love the item. It's just his approach is that it was nice to have it but he can't be arsed to save up to replace it. 😡

I know, I know. Utter idiocy of me to have bought the bloody thing. It's very rare that I do buy things that arent for birthday or Xmas. It won't happen again. Have well and truly learned my lesson on that front.

I feel he needs to feel the loss a bit more keenly than he does right now. I'm angry at his carelessness and lack of gratitude and I want him to fully get my message.

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 23/08/2017 11:41

I'm not sure at 12 that he would really understand the true value of things which is why I wouldn't be spending lots of money on an item that's easily lost.

I think chalk it up to experience and don't get him expensive things in the future unless they're bolted down!

ginswinger · 23/08/2017 11:43

It sounds as though you just have different approaches to money and possessions. I wouldn't make him pay you back for an accident though, that's a wee bit controlling.

greedygorb · 23/08/2017 11:44

If you want him to know the value of the thing. Work out how many hours you work to pay for it and then make him do chores for that many hours and tell him why. He needs to understand the value of stuff.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/08/2017 11:50

I don't have any suggestions OP but Flowersfor you.
It's really hard when you want to treat them because you love them so much but as you say it's more than hurtful and irritating when they don't show enough remorse or gratitude.

alltouchedout · 23/08/2017 11:53

I don't think 'paying you back' is reasonable. This is a lesson for you- don't buy expensive, easily lost items for a child who is not ready to take care of them. Regardless of your agreement that if he lost the item he would pay you for it, I think you should chalk this up to experience and move on, because it was a silly agreement to make in the first place.

Veterinari · 23/08/2017 12:20

OP says quite clearly
This was discussed prior to purchase and he vowed that he'd look after it and that he would pay me back if he were to lose it.

So DS knew this was a condition of receiving the gift.

I think he has to do the jobs you request in an agreed timeframe OP

RandomMess · 23/08/2017 12:24

Ask you DS what he thinks would be a suitable approach/way of making him appreciate the value of money?

I would be tempted to get him to wash the cars of friends (for free) to the time value required - so something like 10 car washes that he will have to do again if he does a cr*p job...

That would be 2 days of his time doing something, like it cost you 2 days salary?

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunately · 23/08/2017 12:33

Right. Yes, I just went and chatted with him and asked if he felt that me wanting him to honour the agreement was fair or not. He said he felt it was. He would be the first to tell me if he felt it wasn't 😂.

We have discussed the options of repayment through work or financial alternatives. He's chosen work. He has agreed to work for the same number of hours it would take me to earn that. He has also agreed that he has to do it with a certain timeframe or I will take it from him financially.

Thanks for the advice here, everyone. Some food for thought for me too. Lessons are being learned on both sides in this house today.

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Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/08/2017 12:43

I really hope that the gift unexpectedly shows up, there's time yet.
Ask him to have a really good think, about when he last had it, and where he was.

Qvar · 23/08/2017 12:47

You set him up to fail, why? You KNEW he wasn't good at looking after things yet! Why would you deliberately set out to make your own child feel like shit?

Qvar · 23/08/2017 12:50

Ps, the seeming lack of remorse is simply learned helplessness. He knows he can't look after things the way you expect him to. He knows that being sorry won't earn him any sort of reprise from your irritation. He will give up if you are not more kind in the way you handle his disorganisation

greedygorb · 24/08/2017 15:58

Good job OP. You can only hope he lessons some sort of lesson from this.

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