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Original poster

What do I do about meeting ex mil I haven't seen in over a year

37 replies

harleysmammy · 21/08/2017 05:11

My son is 4 months old and I haven't seen or spoken to his dad or his nan since I was 8 weeks pregnant. He walked out of me, his mother then threatened to get me into trouble with ss because I kept asking him to step up and be a dad. I never have and never will ask him for money, I just wanted him to step up and see our baby. I had to get the police involved to tell them to stay away from me after they made threats. (Can I just add I'm not a riff raff type so any kind of fight with another person, I am not used too and it was threw me). So I haven't seen or heard from them since then. I knew there was some history of heart problems (ex bil died of it) but I didn't know what as my son's dad wouldn't tell me. Anyway, my son had a heart scan when he was a few hours old and everything was fine.

I had a message of ex mil earlier which I didn't see until I noticed I had a message request. I was shocked, upset and scared and my mind went to straight to "oh my god ex partner is dead". I don't know why but that seemed the only reason I'd hear from her.
It was actually about a health issue that affected it could affect my son. I said I was happy to meet her because if it affects my son, I have to bite the bullet even if I don't want too. She said ex partner won't be there so I said fine but I'd like to know what's happening first, so she told me that everyone in her family has a faulty gene. Something to do with the heart I'm presuming (google didn't tell me much). After having a break down, crying until I was physically sick and not being able to lift my head of my pillow from the headache I had, I phoned my sister to ask if she could come with me as I was a but nervous about being on my own with her with the baby. My sister is 9 days over due and I then realised I couldn't possibly ask her to come a 35 minute journey on the bus with her already 3 year old. My dad is working and can't get the time off. Everyone else I know is working or busy (I have asked everyone I know, even people I haven't seen in months). My family are bewildered that I'd even think about going on my own with the baby to her house BUT I need to ask questions for my own sanity and so I know my baby is okay. I'm not going to find out how ex partner is, I'm not going to tell her how much shit he put me through or to argue with her. I simply need to know and ask questions.

What do I do if she asks to hold him? If I've ever seen ex partner in town, he's never stopped to see him but I've always put the cover over the pram (only so if he wanted to see he would have to come over and make the effort instead of just glancing over). Am I being unreasonable to go on my own? I can't physically stand another night not knowing and it's not something I can just google and find the answers. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Anecdoche · 21/08/2017 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/08/2017 08:40

myh11 - involved in smooth muscle formation. Mutations increase the risk of aortic aneurysm, I think.

You said your son had a heart scan and was found to be fine? I don't think you need to visit her tbh - she will only be able to give you gory details of family illness, which will scare you and may be completely irrelevant to your situation.

Hulder · 21/08/2017 08:43

MYH 11 does exist so she may not be manipulating you - and it is a dominant gene that is 'to do with the heart'. Also linked with osteoarthritis which might be why she is housebound. Sadly I do think she has information to give you.

You definitely need to see your GP for a referral to genetic counselling - but they will then need participation from you ex-MIL's side of the family so somehow you are going to need her.

Maybe go and see her with your sister for moral support?

Onelastpage · 21/08/2017 09:08

I'd make an appointment with your GP - if she/he says she needs more information then (and only then) meet with your ex-MIL (and not alone).

Remember the scan showed your son is fine at the moment. Of course, you will want to get everything checked out but he hasn't necessarily inherited this gene. Whereas you know ex-MIL is definitely threatening and unpleasant - and not a doctor.

Even if she were a lovely person, she isn't an expert and you really don't need to know the details of how she lost her other son to protect yours.

titchy · 21/08/2017 09:08

Why is participation from fathers family needed? Are they the world experts on this mutation?

OP - go to your GP. Tell them the father has a history of MYH 11 gene mutation and you'd like your ds referred for genetic testing to see if he also carries the faulty gene.

No need to see the mother at all.

Mrscropley · 21/08/2017 09:13

How do you know your ex won't be sitting there waiting for you?

Onelastpage · 21/08/2017 09:14

In fact, meeting her delays you going to a GP and getting the referrals you need. I'd take her power out of the situation - she's doing this in a manipulative way. Figure out what - if anything - you actually need from her before meeting.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/08/2017 09:15

In which case, any reasonable person would do it over the phone or in a letter/email...not demand that they come to the house.

OP Please go to the GP first, don't walk into it alone.

user1499786242 · 21/08/2017 09:41

Don't go don't go don't go don't go
If she won't tell you over the phone then you will have to find out for yourself via the gp

lunar1 · 21/08/2017 12:43

I really hope you are not going to go, it gives me a really bad feeling.

You can now go to the GP and be referred for genetic counselling and possible testing if needed. She has no information to give that is superior to the experts.

Original poster

harleysmammy · 21/08/2017 15:58

I had already made an appointment with the doctor this morning. He didn't seem to bothered but he wasn't our usual doctor so I'm going to make another appointment with our actual doctor. My ex bil did have an aortic aneurysm but we were told if they had known about it before, it probably wouldn't have happened. He was also a weight trainer and they said that contributed because of the pressure. My sons dad has the gene and his heart was scanned last month and it was absolutely fine. I phoned her in the end and she said, just because he might have the gene doesn't mean it has to mean something. He could be like his dad and have the gene, but it not affect him other than having to be careful with exercise etc. She said even if he does have it and we find an issue then it can be treated. Like I said, my bil died because we didn't know about it. She was told by a private doctor that they aren't too worried about my sons cousin who is 8 because he is still young developing and if he has the gene, he will be monitored and if they find anything, it can be treated. I assume the same will be for my son. I feel a bit better now, thank you everyone x

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/08/2017 16:04

Forewarned is forearmed in this case op - glad you feel a bit better.

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