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Parenting

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Original poster

Told I was 'Psychologically damaging' my son by breastfeeding.

22 replies

Kausi · 20/08/2017 18:07

I just have to get this off my chest and get some words of encouragement/ thoughts on this incident. I was at a friends house with my 14 month old son who was way past his nap time. He had a little stubble as he does when he gets tired and got a bit upset. My first instinct was to comfort him and offer him the breast thinking he may settle and perhaps even go to sleep. (Ha, ha fat chance of that). My friend made this off the cuff remark ' you're not going to psychologically damage him or anything by putting a boob in his face every time he gets upset'. ('Not' meant ironically). I was so taken aback I didn't really know what to say and so didn't say anything, but the more I think about it the more enraged I get. I've never felt self conscious or been shamed for my decision to breastfeed ever. But to now get a judgement like that and from a good friend too. She doesn't have children by the way, though I feel this is irrelevant. She's an open minded, left leaning feminist, at least I thought she was. I do get the feeling that people are ok with breastfeeding babies but as soon as they turn into toddlers it's suddenly a taboo and I now becoming self conscious. He's only turned one and I've continued to breastfeed as it just suits us both, I don't actually feel like I should be justifying why I'm still breastfeeding him. Just wondering people's thoughts on this, and I'm trying to figure out why have had such a strong reaction to this, I'm usually pretty laid back!

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Moonflower12 · 20/08/2017 18:23

The World Health Organisation recommends that you bf till they're 2 so no you're not damaging him in any way at all- in fact you're doing the very best you can for him. Well done for being amazing.

Original poster

Kausi · 20/08/2017 18:31

Thanks Moonflower! I'm not worried that I'm actually damaging him in anyway by continuing to breastfeed him. But I'm just so outraged at the suggestion that I am and disappointed at her small mindedness. I know if I brought it up with her she'd just say that she was joking and I'm over reacting. But she generally doesn't say things she doesn't mean.

OP posts:

BlueKarou · 20/08/2017 18:33

I was in London last week and stopped for a coffee at one of the places at the Southbank Centre. My 18 month old was asleep in his buggy. The lady sat on the table immediately behind me was talking about a friend or relative who was pregnant/had a child and said quite loudly that she thought breastfeeding past 1 was disgusting.

I was so tempted to wake my son just to feed him. There is nothing wrong with breastfeeding a toddler.

You keep doing what you're doing and ignore your 'friend' and her silly comments.

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ChickenBhuna · 20/08/2017 18:36

You're fine op. What you did was the equivalent of offering a comfort feed from a bottle.

Your friend is ridiculous.

I hate it when I hear of anyone being judged for how they choose to feed their child.

LaContessaDiPlump · 20/08/2017 18:39

She may well have meant what she said, but she was being ridiculous. Ignore!

Hercules12 · 20/08/2017 18:41

Actually who recommend to 2 and beyond! I bf ds till 4, he's now 21 and perfectly fine!

user1493413286 · 20/08/2017 18:52

I'd bring it up with your friend in a polite way explaining that her comment upset you and seeing what her explanation is (then you can tear her argument apart). It's a ridiculous thing to say.

pieceofpurplesky · 20/08/2017 18:57

I kind of see where she was coming from but don't really agree with her iyswim.
Maybe she was seeing it as the same as giving a kid chocolate or crisps to shut them up/calm them down, rather than deal with the behaviour - she's not a parent you said so maybe just does not understand.
I would call her and have a chat.

coriliavijvaad · 20/08/2017 18:58

There's nothing wrong at all with breastfeeding until 2 or even older if that's what suits. However I don't think the friend was criticising your feeding choice. The thing I think she was questioning was whether feeding as a respose to being upset, stumbling etc is necessarily healthy. A non-breastfed child who was always offered a snack when upset would have exactly the same issue - associating food as the go-to means of comfort when things go wrong. That's not good for anyone.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 20/08/2017 18:59

Just say ''is that what you belieeeeeeeve......." with a sympathetic head tilt.

Quodlibet · 20/08/2017 19:00

I think actually a lot of people are intolerant of/conflicted about BF and they manage to just about keep their attitude under wraps when it's a baby, but as soon as a baby turns one suddenly they and their mother are fair game for criticism; it's like the gloves come off on the first birthday.

Sairelou · 20/08/2017 19:11

Ask her if she remembers any of her memories from when she was 14 months.

Then ask if she would have any problem if you were putting a dummy in your baby's mouth.

ZZZZ1111 · 20/08/2017 19:58

It's not the same as offering a snack when they're upset. Would you object to using a dummy in the same manner? As that's more of an equivalent for a non-bf baby. It's perfectly natural and healthy to soothe babies and toddlers with the breast, it's what they were designed to do!

Original poster

Kausi · 20/08/2017 20:16

Thanks for all the comments, I think I will have to bring it up with her at some point. But I just need to simmer down first! I know that it was a very off the cuff and throw away comment but it still cuts deep being a first time mum.

I appreciate and understand your comment coriliavijvaad, however I'm not sure I quite agree with the idea that offering the boob after a fall will form an unhealthy association between hurting oneself and receiving food. I don't think it's going to result in an adult reaching for a bar of chocolate every time they need some comfort (or perhaps it might!?).

On reflection, this isn't normally my automatic response to a minor stumble, a quick cuddle is usually sufficient. I only usually offer the breast after a seamingly serious or frightening fall/incident when they aren't not able to settle themselves in any other way. Offering them the boob is just another way to give them comfort, I don't solely see it as a means of feeding. In this particular incidence I knew that my son needed a nap and in unfamiliar surroundings I thought this might be one way of settling him down and getting him to sleep. (it didn't work btw!). Anyway, regardless of circumstance I don't think there's any justification for a comment like that when I know my son best and what he needs in that instance. And to suggest one can 'psychologically damage' a child by breastfeeding in anyway is ridiculous. Unfortunately I have been questioning myself now on how and when I breastfeed and whether it's been appropriate, and that is the sad take away from all of this.

OP posts:

CatWithKittens · 21/08/2017 09:56

In the circumstances - though some might say not only in these circumstances - "open minded, left leaning feminist" might appear to be something of a contradiction in terms.

frogsoup · 21/08/2017 10:02

I used to offer a feed to my toddlers even after a minor upset - why the hell not?! If it works, do it! And this stage passes so fast - they are well past bf stage now. Enjoy it while you can. They don't appear damaged...

Ohmygodeverynameisfuckinginuse · 21/08/2017 10:05

My baby started refusing the breast at 11 month. By one she was done completely and wouldn't latch? Anyone else's baby self weaned this young?

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 21/08/2017 10:11

however I'm not sure I quite agree with the idea that offering the boob after a fall will form an unhealthy association between hurting oneself and receiving food. I don't think it's going to result in an adult reaching for a bar of chocolate every time they need some comfort

DS1 fed till he was 3.5 - he's 7 now and doesn't really remember it, just has a foggy, happy feeling without really knowing why - certainly doesn't have an association with food for him, more an association with having a cuddle.

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 21/08/2017 10:12

My baby started refusing the breast at 11 month. By one she was done completely and wouldn't latch? Anyone else's baby self weaned this young?

Yes, after DS1 feeding for so long (forced to give up when my milk dried up because I was pregnant), DS2 gave up night feeds at about 5 months, then entirely by 8 - once he'd tasted real food, and was getting his tummy filled by it he just wasn't interested in breast milk any more - no amount of persuasion worked!

ZZZZ1111 · 21/08/2017 16:59

Another point on the comfort feeding being unhealthy - research actually suggests breastfed babies are less likely to end up obese than formula fed babies so it can't be that bad!

OliviaTheFox · 21/08/2017 17:03

She'd be very disturbed with me then. Still bf Dd at 2.2m.
Can't get her to give up the last few feeds. 🙄
Ignore her though, I think until you bf you don't really get it, like a lot of things in life.

InfiniteCurve · 21/08/2017 17:47

One of the advantages of breastfeeding is how it helps in comforting an upset child,that's a plus, not something to avoid.
DS nursed like this for longer than 17 months, he's turned out perfectly fine and has always had the type of relationship to food where if he isn't hungry or has had enough he stops - unlike his bottle fed mother!
People are funny sometimes about nursing older children - you know a lot more about it and the benefits than she does, so ignore, ignore. ( or argue if you prefer!)

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