I'm a really shit mum

[Saltandpepperpig]

I'm so over being a mum today. My child is 3 and I'm currently pregnant also (not the easiest pregnancy, being very sick all day still , tired, SPD the usual crap)

Anyway my DD will NOT play by herself, not for 5 mins, I have to play and it's always the same tedious game of 'babies' I get the paint out and we do that, she lasts 2 mins covers the place in paint then gives up, the same with baking, drawing, lego, trains etc

She keeps 'accidentally' hurting me, today she's kicked me full force in the stomach, head butted my nose and stabbed me in the face with a toy fork. I don't think she does it intentionally but it adds to the short fuse I'm having.

I work PT, when she's at nursery she's apparently 'the most independent, well behaved child' when she's with her dad she's 'so easy and just occupies herself' when we're with anyone else she's great, it's just when we're alone just us that she turns into a screaming demanding monster that not even CBeebies can help her to be quiet for 5 mins.

I can't be out with her all of the time, I can't play with her all of the time, I just want a little bit of time just to hear myself think and with my exhaustion just to sit down on the sofa for a minute.

She just screamed at me because I asked her to play by herself and told her I'm not doing it anymore. Saying 'I have no friends and you won't play with me, you're so horrible' she does have friends, she means not with her right now, it made me feel awful but I just can't do it all the time.

I told her to play by herself and said I'm going to the toilet and have Locked myself in while she screams at the door (she's 3 and I am still not allowed to take a wee without her there!!!)

On the days in with her I'm asleep on the sofa by 6 when her dad gets in and I'm out until 7.30am when I get up for work. I'm miserable.

Working FT is not an option right now I've tried, I know I'm a shit mum and I don't deny that, I probably am very shit and shout more than I should and am not as interested when pretending to be the mum going to the shop 50,000x a day while getting shouted at like fuck because I'm asking her to get clothes on but I just needed to get out how shit I'm feeling and write it down even if no one reads it.

I can't say anything to anyone IRL as my family aren't the sort to ever say something's bothering them and none of my friends have kids.

I hate this so much, I am really a shit mum and now I'm bringing another kid into this.

Have you read the Unmumsy Mum blog? If not, take a look through the articles there - you'll see that you're not alone! That doesn't make her behaviour any easier to take, but it might reassure you that you're not a shit mum. www.theunmumsymum.co.uk/

I sympathise - I'm not pregnant but trying for another and have an almost 3 yo who is the love of my life but also your typical demanding toddler and there is only so much playing Anna and Elsa (I'm Anna btw) I can take.

I have no solution for you other than to say this is normal and I have seen an improvement in my dd and she will play on her own now - not for long but enough that I can get stuff done!

Now if only I could get her to stop sticking her hand down her nappy once she's done a 💩 that would be fabulous 😂

You are completely and utterly not a shit mum. You are totally normal.

In fact reading your post has single handedly stopped me feeling guilty about going back to work, because six weeks ago I could have written a similar post.

Thank you and . Hope tomorrow is a better day!

You're not a shit mum - you're an exhausted mum at the end of her tether with no support. Just reading your account exhausts me. She sounds insecure to me. I wonder if she is unsettled by the baby coming, or if there is some other reason why she's feeling insecure? if you tell her 'mummy is really tired today and not feeling very well, shall we just cuddle up on the sofa and read a book, or talk about the baby in my tummy' would she do that?

Even if your family are not the sort to talk about your problems, I think you need to be honest with them and ask for a bit of help. Having a 3 year old and being pregnant and working is hard. Give yourself a break . Is it possible for your partner to give you an evening off once or twice a week? He comes in and does the whole routine so you can go out/go to sleep/have a bath that lasts an hour? Then maybe you can do the same for him one night a week. You need a break from all this.

You aren't a shit mum. Pregnancy is rubbish and exhausting and no one is Mary Poppins while they're pregnant.
If your LO is clingy but just with you and constantly wanting to play babies then I guess she's processing how she feels about having a new sibling.
Even so, you can't give her your focused attention all the time. It's just impossible.
Could you get her some nursery sessions on your days at home- just to give you time to rest?
My other suggestion is to check out Janet Lansbury's blog for ideas on how to encourage independent play.
When I was pregnant I used to put DS behind a baby gate for 2 hours "quiet time" every afternoon just to get through the day!
I think you would probably need to start with smaller periods and build up from there.

Fuck, me too. Fwiw I had a sicky pregnancy + toddler & it was just awful. 2 years on its much much easier because already the little sods darlings go off and play together so I can skulk on the sofa and mumsnet.

You sound lovely and not at all a shit mum. Your daughter knows how to press your buttons by he sound of it! And they're all like this as far as I can tell! I screamed at my 3 yo today for similar behaviour. Felt terrible afterwards but just got to the end of my rope. And I have it a lot easier than you at the moment by he sounds of it. Time by ourselves is so important but we rarely get it when little kids are involved and feel guilty on the rare occasions we do get it. It does get easier and you really sound normal to me - just under a lot of pressure. Hang in there.

You're not shit. You're bloody exhausted and your dd is being hard work.

'If your LO is clingy but just with you and constantly wanting to play babies then I guess she's processing how she feels about having a new sibling.
Even so, you can't give her your focused attention all the time. It's just impossible.
Could you get her some nursery sessions on your days at home- just to give you time to rest?
My other suggestion is to check out Janet Lansbury's blog for ideas on how to encourage independent play.
When I was pregnant I used to put DS behind a baby gate for 2 hours "quiet time" every afternoon just to get through the day!
I think you would probably need to start with smaller periods and build up from there.'

I agree with all of this. When she's feeling relaxed, have a chat about the baby. Talk about how whether it might be hard for her.

Try to get some help, for a break each day, and ensure you get some quality time with her before and after, even if it's brief.

When it's the two of you at home, try to shift toward giving her all your focussed attention while you're actually doing something together (e.g. eating, getting her ready, bathing her etc), but start trying to step back from her play, so that even if you're there, you're observing rather than entertaining and she is doing the playing. Then start with short periods on her own. Then build up.

All this will also help when the baby arrives.

Its so difficult when you are pregnant and wrecked..
Is there a teenager nearby who would come and play with her or take her off for a little walk? Pocket money for them. Sanity for you. I always did not ( even when not pregnant!)
When l had that age and was pregnant l used to get into bed in the middle of the day with her beside me. We would play all the made up games with me lying down which made it more bearable with nausea.
Hang in there.

Agree with Junebirthdaygirl.
I used to lie on the sofa being a patient and let DD 1 test my temperature etc and "read" to me to make me feel better.
She would sit quietly for a bit writing in the hospital notes.

Thank you, I feel a little less shit and alone now

I love my ds to the end of the world. But he is such a diva with me. I get all the tantrums teething crying. When he is at his dads golden boy, and i get blamed as im obviously doing sometging wrong. Feels like a kick in the face. Be kind to yourself x

I have a newborn and a three year old and oh it is so much easier than a three year old and being pregnant! It's really tough when you are exhausted and feeling crap and they just don't get it

I managed to turn some of the mindlessly dull make believe hands into ones where I sat on the sofa and she did make believe around me, that was much easier. For example we had a 'cafe' where I'd sit at 'the table' and she'd go back and forth 'cooking' in her play kitchen and making me cups of tea (sadly not real ones!). We have a play picnic set too which was good as I only had to sit to join in with that. Also we have games like dominoes and some of the Orchard Toys board games - would your DD be interested in those? I spent a lot of time still playing with her but she saying that mummy couldn't run around/needed to sit still so she got the attention but also got used to me not being able to trail her around the house. That's been massively useful now I'm breastfeeding the baby too!

Oh - and how about sticker books and those rub clean books where she can trace things rather than painting, less mess? I wish I had shares in sticker books...

She really winds me up, deliberately. She's pushing every button possible today and I'm ready to snap. I've really had enough, I don't know if I can do this anymore and if I'm cut out for this. She clearly hates me and is trying to stress me out. Throwing her food on the floor, wetting herself even though she's been potty trained for a year because I'd asked her to go to the toilet and she didn't want to. The worst thing is the last few days she's started hitting the dog. I've lost my shit with her today when I saw her hitting the dog and screamed at her, I feel terrible I really screamed and shut her in her room with the door shut. I just sat outside of the door crying. I really can't do this anymore. The thought waking up tomorrow and looking after her all over again is making me feel sick

I completely understand.
DD1 was like this and knew exactly how to push my buttons.
I have been known to be reduced to tears as well.
Thankfully DD1 is now 16 and it all turned out ok in the end.
It is easier said than done but try and stick to saying the same things when she plays up and be consistent.
When mine started I would change the tone of my voice and say that it was not acceptable behaviour. I'd tell her I was going to count to 5 and she would stop/ do what I asked or there would be a consequence. Always told her the consequence - you will have the toy taken away until tomorrow/ you will go to bed / I will not read you a bedtime story etc.
Try and stay calm. She is a child and you do not have to argue with her. Remember it takes 2 to argue. Just refuse to engage.
I used to say I love you very much but I am not happy with your behaviour, it is not acceptable and I am not doing x,y,z with you until you can behave better.
When she stopped/calmed down and said sorry I would always tell her a line was drawn under it/ that was the end of it and have a big hug/say I love her.
Consequences were never gone back on though - no matter how sincere the apology. I found it really important to follow through. It also helps the next time when you can say remember what happened last time.
When she's good go overboard saying how good she is and how you are noticing her brilliant behaviour.
When mine was being really vile I would leave the room. I remember saying things like I am not prepared to listen to your screaming at me. I am going to have a cup of tea and you can tell me when you've calmed down.
When she throws food on the floor/ wets herself try and stay calm but make sure she knows she does not get to do anything else until she has helped you to clear up.
When she hits the dog she needs to know that it is not acceptable. I would make a consequence specific to something she really likes. Hit the dog = your favourite thing gets taken away/ doesn't happen.
Like I said easier said than done and I have been known to lose it as well.
Tomorrow is another day and I wish you lots of luck in the forthcoming battles.
Remember you are not a crap parent - some kids are just like this and need more training than others (a bit like puppies).

You need a break. Can she have an extra day or two at nursery for a couple of weeks? Or could you take a couple of days off work? Or is there a good friend or family member who could take her while you had a rest? Or could you go away for a weekend while her dad has her?

If you were a proper shit mum there would be no guilt. Look up some toddler groups, make mum friends, eat cake and take some time out for you. Ask for help. Don't let the little bastards get you down

I agree with what pp have said - hang on in there. I've have felt just like you so many times and it does get better I promise. A truly shit mum wouldn't come on here saying how guilty she feels and asking for help. Tomorrow is a brand new day