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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Can you recommend any parenting books to help tame my toddler?

23 replies

Kublakhan · 17/08/2017 09:44

I know all 18m olds are challenging at times but I find DS totally overwhelming and full on, far more so than his peers seem to be at a similar age. I would like to read about some strategies and advice to make me feel a bit more focused and confident over the next few months and years.

Have you read (or watched) anything that you've found useful in your parenting of a 1-5 year old?

No ASD or anything that I know of. Just a rather 'spirited' toddler and somewhat inadequate parent

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BertieBotts · 17/08/2017 09:47

I like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and there's an under 7s version out now which would probably be better for a 1.5 year old.

What are the issues you're having broadly? Are you feeling that you should be more authoritative but don't know how? Or feeling that you end up being too harsh when you should be able to manage things in another way? Or just feeling completely lost as he seems to rule the roost?

andbabymakesthree · 17/08/2017 09:47

The incredible years is what lots of parenting interventions areally based on

TheABC · 17/08/2017 09:48

123 magic worked for us with a very active (and stubborn) toddler. However, you must follow up every. single. time.

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WaxOnFeckOff · 17/08/2017 09:50

Toddler Taming (Christopher Green?) worked for us but don't think it is "in vogue" anymore.

BayLeaves · 17/08/2017 09:57

WaxOnFeckOff I borrowed a 1990s copy of that recently and it did have some good practical tips for various annoying toddler behaviours, as well as reminding you when to just chill out and not escalate things that don't matter... but it did also say that smacking is good and effective if you do it right I think that section is missing from more modern editions!

I'd be interested in hearing if anyone has read any of the Positive Discipline books. I try and remain positive but it's difficult when they are being really awful!

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/08/2017 10:04

I don't remember mine having anything about smacking - would be early 2000s edition but I remeber it having some good stuff and stuff that I just brushed over. I remeber one anecdote when he talks about parents bringing in children that were food refusers and parents were worried that they had someting wrong with their mouths and him saying that he just popped a square of chocolate in their mouths as there wasn't a child on earth that could resist eating it and then he just showed the parents the door. As in, they can eat, they are just playing you. Some of the illustrations were hillarious. I got the next version up for DS2 as he remained a pain on and off until he was about 12. Now he is a dream at age 16 in terms of behaviour.

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/08/2017 10:05

I can spell remember btw - no idea why it's wrong above!

Original poster

Kublakhan · 17/08/2017 10:06

Thanks very much, I'll look these up and order a few.

He's a lovely boy but he is very adventurous and inquisitive and pushes every physical and emotional boundary. Physically he is strong, boisterous, destructive, loud and non-compliant. Emotionally he is stubborn and headstrong but wickedly funny and clever. There's no down time and little control ('rule the roost' just about covers it) DH and I struggle as we are both fairly quiet and passive, both risk averse peacekeepers. DS is our opposite!

I appreciate these are traits that many toddlers display and that he is learning, exploring and maturing. I would just like to feel more calm and confident in what I'm doing to help him along the way!

OP posts:

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/08/2017 10:06

There is nothing more undignified than engaging in an argument with a toddler and trying to win.

Poppyred85 · 17/08/2017 10:13

I liked Toddler Taming, mostly because it helped me to chill out over some things and generally feel less like I was the only one dealing with a tricky toddler.

andbabymakesthree · 17/08/2017 10:19

Janet lansbury elevating childcare or no bad kids night he worth a look too.

thethoughtfox · 17/08/2017 10:21

Toddler Calm is very good and explains how their wee brains aren't developed properly and what are actually capable to doing / understanding /behaving at each age and stage as well as gentle strategies to help guide behaviour.

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/08/2017 10:21

I think I liked it becasue he at least tried to be funny and lighten the mood rather than being too clinical about things. I appreciate there are possibly some things that aren't the done thing anymore - maybe those are updated in current versions though?

mummytime · 17/08/2017 10:25

Okay if he is lively and you are less so - that probably your problem. Some toddlers are like very boisterous puppies. So you need to give them lots of exercise.
With my son we had to be out of the door by 9 am for a "walk" or the day would be a disaster. Things like Tumble Tots are great for such children, and children's swimming. And if its all a bit exhausting for you - then you need to be smart - so get him to run around doing "scavenger hunts", or running obstacle courses.
Oh and make sure you are in tip top health - multi vitamins and a check up by the GP if you have any concerns.
(And I'd try to find a pre-school which starts sooner rather than later).

BertieBotts · 17/08/2017 10:51

BayLeaves how to talk is more positive discipline stuff. I liked it. As said there's a new version for younger children which I'm planning to buy if I ever get pregnant.

I find a lot of it is understanding where they are coming from so trying to get a handle on what their capabilities are, recognising that they will get overwhelmed with certain activities so limiting how much you do in a day, modifying your language massively - no use saying to a toddler "Come on now lovely it's time to go soon so let's get this tidied up so we have time to see Grandma and have some chocolate later!" (Child doesn't tidy because they have no idea WTF you want, they hear "Grandma" and "Chocolate" and then throw a tantrum about not getting either immediately because they don't understand, and a double tantrum if you get cross and deny them the chocolate because they didn't tidy.) In toddler friendly language you want to say something like "OK, two more trains, THEN tidy up. Let's count. One......... Two......... Tidy up time!" Even this might be a bit much for a one year old but it's a good habit to get into now. Relating it to things they know helps too, like saying "Trains are tired now. Let's put them to bed."

Also little children find things hard that we take for granted. Transitioning between activities (stopping one thing and starting another) is so natural to us that we don't even think of it as a thing but young children often find it a monumental task. So being aware of that and helping them by pre-emptive warning, making the thing you want them to change to enticing and/or avoiding letting them do something to the point of exhaustion or massive hunger will also help.

Timefor2 · 17/08/2017 11:07

Just popping on to say that my DD was tricky (think pushing and hitting other kids) 18-24 Months but from two years has been an easy toddler - and most of my friends with less challenging one year olds then have had the hitting/tantrums at two years plus which is harder to deal with as other parents start to expect better from your kid by then. So maybe you are just going through it early and getting it out of the way!

clarabellski · 17/08/2017 16:24

Hey my DS is also 18 months and pretty much sounds like a carbon copy of yours OP. Nursery commented on it the other day and I was so embarrassed (but also secretly glad it wasn't me who had to deal with him....).

I listed to the janet lansbury podcasts and read her blog posts a few months ago and they resonated with me not so much in terms of 'how to fix the toddler' but more to adjust my own outlook and expectations.

All of my good intentions go out the window when he tries to eat a dishwater tablet mind you....

mctat · 17/08/2017 16:41

'Janet lansbury elevating childcare or no bad kids night he worth a look too.'

Wholeheartedly second this recommendation. 'No bad kids' for that age.

I've also heard 'raising your spirited child' recommended if you do feel he's more spirited than his peers.

mctat · 17/08/2017 16:43

Ooh yes and agree ^ Janet Lansbury podcasts are awesome!

mummytime · 17/08/2017 18:16

The Spirited Child book is great - if that is him eg. the child who reacts extermely to noise, struggles with socks, is just a bit "too much". But 18 months is a bit young to really be sure of that yet.

MargaretCabbage · 17/08/2017 18:29

Also recommending Janet Lansbury!

Summerdays2014 · 17/08/2017 18:34

OP, I have a 19 month old son who sounds just like yours. I've got a thread going about how tough I'm finding things right now. I'm definitely going to look at some of these book suggestions. I bought the 3 day nanny book a while ago, but don't really rate it. It helps to know others have toddlers that are also 'spirited'

Maggiemuffsvirginity · 17/08/2017 19:23

I've read quite a few books all MN recommended after becoming a parent to a 5 year old and then having a baby within a few months so feeling completely thrown in at the deep end! I have taken a few things from each but agree with 123 magic and no bad kids. I like simple easy strategies as I just get sick of the sound of my voice otherwise!

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