Concerns about ex

[CupcakeBabaPoo]

I am probably being OTT but I have some concerns about my ex and the impact this appears to be having on our DC.

We split up 3 years ago and it was messy. We now have a court order for contact and it works. He was controlling and manipulative and tried all the tricks in the book to take DC from me. Including saying I was a bad mum for needing him (rather than the childminder) to look after DC when I nearly died due to a rupturing internal organ (didn't plan it...)

I thought things were working but recently I have been concerned by DCs behaviour. Ex used have a massive go at me for sending him in clothes which were not his age but did fit him (DC is very slender) and used to always demand his clothes etc were returned straight away. I always did this. However DC has now obsessively started checking labels and always says how I have to return x,y and z to dad. He hasn't picked that up from me.

DC has also started lying excessively recently and this has concerned me. I don't know why. This has caused friction between me and my ex who has accused me of letting him wear shoes that are too small for him after being made aware they were (I haven't) and him telling me how concerned he is.... DC tells me when shoes are too small but hasn't in this case due to liking the shoes. Apparently I'm an unfit mother for not repeatedly checking shoes. I've also had comments of 'dad says I can choose where I live when I'm 10' and been accused of being a bad mum for not giving DC lots of sugar..

Then to top it off my concerns have been heightened tonight when exs new DP has just screamed fucking bitch at me in the background when I was on the phone to ex after he was having a go at me for allowing DC to wear the top small shoes again (I hadn't - DC was lying).

I am worried. About DCs behaviour and about what has happened tonight. It doesn't seem right she is using that language around a 6 year old regarding a parent. Ex then hung up saying he was going to deal with it.

Any advice please? Sorry for the length. I am worried about DC as a 6 year old should not be checking labels and worrying about what to return to dad.

No, a 6yo shouldn't.

Just remove clothes as they are outgrown. It's a side point, but he's young enough for too-small shoes to be a big problem. Side-step other problems too - for example by cutting out the labels which say what age. And use a tick list for packing items that move between households.

But those are only sticking plaster measures that might (perhaps, maybe, ha ha) make things a little bit more pleasant for your DS, by removing the current cause of complaint.

His long has the new girlfriend been on the scene? She seems to be adding volatility to the situation.

As you have to deal with them over your son, I think you are going to need to work out ways to minimise the drama. You can't cut contact with them completely because of your DS. But you can take it to text/email only. This might, unfortunately, mean you have to get a new landline plus mobile/email address for the people you want to hear from (assuming he has current details).

You might also like to read up on the 'grey rock' technique. You need to be very boring.

And be very calm round your DS, because although all DC can go through horrible phases for no apparent reason at all, it is also totally possible that the increased volatility in his father is leading to stress-led behaviours. You need to the steady one in his life. But also agree with things like him having a greater input into decisions about where he lives when he gets older but add that there's no need for him to be thinking about that until he's a bit more grown up. And that whatever he chooses, you'll always be there for him.

Because if your XP is trying to make him choose, that's utterly shit of him and very unfair in the DC. You can lessen the impact by making it clear that it doesn't have to be seen in terms of making a choice between parents. Not by labouring the point, but by calm steadiness.