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Parenting

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Is there a 'right' time to tell your child he/she is the result of an abusive relationship, and the father is (a psycho) not around? If so when?...

3 replies

PiperBeeley · 14/08/2017 20:28

My dd is 7, she's simply been told she has no dad (he's never been around/met her tgankfulky). I'm waiting for the day she realises everyone has a dad, so where is mine etc...
I worry about how to deal with it. She is a very sensitive child.
I'd love to know how anyone else in this position/experienced this has dealt with it? X

OP posts:
KatyN · 14/08/2017 21:39

I met a 4 year old who told me she didn't see her daddy because he wasn't very kind. That felt young!
I also know an 12 year old who's the result of an abusive relationship. I think she knows he wasn't nice and that her mum is never going to see him again. I'm not sure she knows the nitty gritty.

i don't think it's too early to explain but obviously make the language appropriate.

Good luck kx

SkyWalker95 · 14/08/2017 21:47

There were studies done that found 6 - 8 was the best age to tell nt children they are adopted or from a sperm donor. So I suppose that would probably transfer to your situation.

WellThisIsShit · 15/08/2017 00:19

I don't have an answer and struggling with this issue myself, expect DS remembers his daddy (as a wonderful superhero, sigh). He is very sad he doesn't see him anymore.

One thing I was told by a child psychologist, is that you need to be very careful about telling a child their father is abusive/ bad etc.

Apparently It's very common for the child to worry that they will also be bad as they are half their dad. That causes fear and self doubt, and they don't have the emotional resilience and fully formed self identity to be able to deal with it.

Simple statements that are limited to the fathers behaviour are much less scary than talking about how bad he is, how nasty he is etc. And never any links from the fathers bad side to the child's behaviour.

E.g. I'm not telling DS that his father stole (a lot) of money from us, as DS stole money out of my purse a while ago. There's no link and DS was was suitably sorry and it's completely in the past now... but DS won't see it like that, and it would be damaging for him to make that link around shared bad deeds. Especially if I told him that's why daddy isn't here anymore, it could make DS feel very insecure and that I'd chuck him out if he ever steals again... basically it's a ruddy minefield!

I had planned to use the stealing example to help DS understand why his father isn't with us anymore, as it's actually one of the least scary things stbxh did and very understandable for a younger child, so was all prepared as a good way to start. Then DS stole and instantly I can't use that example argh!

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