Always worrying about my son

[lifesteeth]

My son has never been able to make friends very well, he's not your average 'boy', doesn't like football, isnt boisterous or loud, he can't run and for some reason he tries to talk posh when he's speaking to people which just makes him a target for ridicule amongst his peers.

When he was in nursery/reception he only ever made friends with girls and they would play happily with him as he was just like them, once they got into year 1/2 the girls stopped wanting to play with him too and he had nobody.

He's in year 3 now and has managed to make the odd friend here and there but they play with him when they decide they want to, in other words they're not proper friends at all. The older kids always call him gay because of the way he walks (trots with a limp wrist), the girls just roll their eyes whenever he goes near them and some have even decided that he is their 'skivvy' and order him to run ahead and open doors for them to walk through .

Today he said his friend played with him in the morning but refused to play with him this afternoon meaning that he was left wandering around the playground on his own...from experience of seeing this he would've been walking around talking to himself, maybe trying the odd tactic to get peoples attention by annoying them and if all else fails, just acting plain 'strange' which again just makes him a target.

I don't know what to do anymore, I've always taught him to be himself but now I feel like saying "just act like the others and you'll make friends...just be normal!" .

I worry about the road he's going down. The way he acts reminds me of a kid I used to go to school with, we were 15/16 and he acted pretty similar to my son, needless to say he was a laughing stock and as a defence method he would laugh at himself and go out of his way to annoy people etc, everyone hated him... I don't want my son to be this kid.

What can I do?

oh what a tough one

I think I'd speak to the school... see if they can focus on anti-bullying assemblies, teaching . .because picking on people for differences is bullying

see if they can instigate a mentor programme

maybe the teacher can do that thing where she gets every child in the class to write down one nice thing about each of the other children, they s/he collates them and hands them out to the children

I do think the teacher / head should help you with this one .. you are right in not wanting to change his personality but he patently has social issues and maybe needs some help addressing them

What about trying some different after-school activities? If he finds something he likes doing that involves socialising with others it might help, like (randomly) chess, reading club (if he's not sporty)?

I've been backwards and fowards to the teachers and they are no help unfortunately they just say "oh he has lots of friends...he's very popular..." (that must be why at a birthday party just before christmas a group of girls saw me and rolled their eyes saying "oh great, C*** is here" and that must also be why he spends most dinner times and play times on his own...

I've tried after school clubs, he doesn't like reading, didnt like cubs as it was too loud (must admit I can't stand screaching, shouting kids either!)...he has however asked to go to rugby which I think is a bit of a daft idea since he was almost in tears yesterday after a girl knocked into him during p.e.

Sometimes I just feel like home-schooling but it's not a realistic option really and it would surely make his socialising worse...

Has he problems in any other areas liek classwork or concentration ? I ask because some of what you describe rings true for ds (plus he has various mild gross and fine motor difficulties) and we are having an Occupational Therapy assessment in a couple of weeks' time following a referral by the Community Paediatrician.

He was always falling over in year 1/2 and before that and he has been on the special needs thing for his writing (writes like a pre-schooler). I have suggested dyspraxia a couple of times to the teachers and none of them know what I'm on about, maybe I should make an apointment with the doctor or school nurse?

I'm sorry you are going through this lifesteeth. My DD has dyspraxia and part of this is social issues so I know how tough this can be.

She is the same age as your DS and has improved socially. I've found that I have had to try to get a regular supply of people to come after school which I think helps a little. There is a really good book that I saw recommended on here about the unwritten social rules, I will try to find it but I think if you search on social skills you will find it, we found it pretty helpful.

DD used to speak in a babyish voice and hiss like a cat with her hands up as if she was trying to scratch, which really didn't help matters. I had to get quite firm recently and tell her that she must stop it after she got teased quite badly. She has a few problems with her speech and is having speech therapy and her SALT agreed that it was time to be firmer on her baby voice.

Does your DS have a specific disability that means he can't run if you don't mind me asking ?

We suspect that may be ds' problem tbh. Schools rarely seem to understand it , despite the incidence being common. You could ask your gp to refer him, even if just to rule it out, or speak to the school SENCO.

Ah Lizs is there first, I was wondering if there could be the possibility that he has dyspraxia. I think you need to ask to have a meeting with the Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator at the school to discuss all this further.

go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a development paed .. that will help you get over any concerns you might have about him having an undiagnosed problem

let him do rugby .. without judging him negatively for it (I'm totally sure you've said nothing to his face)

ignore the girl issue ... boys and girls at this age are notoriously divided in general

what does the head say about it .. what about the SEN co-ordinator?

And I agree with Twiglett, if you don't get anywhere with the SENCO you get get referred via your GP.

The book is called "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship" by Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore.

I think you need to see your doctor and ask for a referral to a paediatrician. He does sound as if he has some specific difficulties, such as dyspraxia. My ds has dyspraxia and Aspergers and is currently (touch wood!) doing absolutely brilliantly at school with friends and everything. He has had some wonderful support though from the school, which has a brilliant Senco. Have you talked to your Senco (special needs coordinator) about provision for him until you get to see a paediatrician. A diagnosis could be really helpful for your ds. Mine gets extra help in PE, in the classroom, support in the playground and at lunch and they are working with an OT on his handwriting and other issues. He has had a lot of support from different agencies. How do you think your ds is doing academically? What are his strengths? It is fine to teach him good social skills to help him be more 'normal' - not a different person, just one who fits in more. I recently read a great book about helping your child with bullying or social problems. I will try and find it so you can maybe order it from Amazon.

sorry didn't realise I'd cross-posted advice

dyspraxia foundation here

Ha! That's exactly the book! It is very good - as is Mumsnet

Thanks for all the advice

He doesn't have a specific medical problem which prevents him from running, he just doesn't seem able to do it very well at all, he runs very slowly and awkwardly wobbling his head from side to side and his hands up, to quote the other kids "He runs like a girl" .

Academically he does great, he's a brilliant reader even though he dislikes doing it (he's finished the schools reading course and now just brings home library books to read, most kids don't finish it until year 5). He's brilliant at maths, he and another boy get different maths work to the rest of the class as they find the normal stuff too easy... History etc he does fine...

When he first started school however he was seen by a speech therapist and even now he speaks ok but it's still not what it should be. Sports day is a nightmare too as he comes last in every race, to make matter worse he is usually so far behind that the other kids finish and find their way back to their seats before my son is even half way through the race meaning all the attention is on his from kids, teachers and parents. Amazingly he likes this and sometimes plays on it delaying his finish further by pretending to fall over etc... hate to admit it but I find it really embarrasing.

Look, don't be embarrassed, he is trying to survive out there. It's bloody hard if you can't run properly and I speak as a girl who couldn't play any sport and got LAPPED by everyone including the fat girl with asthma and little short legs! It must be a million times harder for boys. He is trying - very bravely IMO - to overcome his disability by making people laugh with him rather than at him. Look at his courage, not his 'silliness'. I'm honestly not being critical, most of us have been embarassed by our kids at time, but I think that's a panic reaction really.
He's clever - that's great. My ds is also clever. That should help his self-esteem. But he definitely sounds as if he needs some support in other areas. It can make all the difference. I also think the low-level bullying needs to be addressed with work in the school on difference and diversity.