"What iffing" after toddler serious accident

[Chattycat78]

My toddler had a serious accident overseas about 7 weeks ago. He fell and fractured his skull. It was terrifying, and I was in charge of him at the time so I'm living with the guilt day in day out (he fell from a ledge - I tried to stop him and get him off it, but didn't manage it:)

The worst bit is the what iffs. I keep thinking how he could have died. I feel sick thinking about it, and what would have happened, how our lives would have fallen apart, how xmas would have been etc etc/ and how it would Have been my fault.

Is this normal, and can anyone relate? Does it get easier over time?

I'm struggling because the day to day of looking after a 2.5 year old and a 14 month old is hard enough, without this stuff going on in my head as well. And yes I have thought of counselling- but the waiting list is 3 months. I don't have family to talk to about this- both my parents are dead. I do have friends but my closest ones live far away and anyone nearer is an acquaintance I couldn't share this stuff with.

TIA x

Is he ok now? It happens with little kids though - I'm sure all of us have had the heart in mouth situation.

Take a deep breath - he's ok. Some kids are more prone to accidents - my sister was practically kamakazee as a child whereas I've never broken anything, had stitches it been to a&e in my life.

You've got 2 little kids to look after - it's tough! Try to focus on the good stuff - planning picnics, baking with the older child, playing games... when your mind starts to go to the bad place, give yourself a mental shake, look at your kids and breath a deep breath out knowing that here and now that are fine.

Have you posted about this before? If it has been longer than 6 weeks and it still having a massive impact on you day to day then you would benefit from counselling. If you can't wait 3 months, can you afford private counselling?

Hello there.

I've had couple of scares with mine, including a serious accident on holiday.

I remember being in a very similar psychological place - it did wear off. Dh seemed to just shrug everything off - I do wonder if that is because, in some way, he kind of out-sourced the emotional response to me!

I'd worry if it continued for too long, or if it was too intense. If it's stopping you from effectively parenting, I'd go back to the GP and get bumped up the waiting-list. As you know, that waiting-list for counselling is pretty grim and you need to be suicidal or having serious impairments in your ability to live to get bumped up (and that is understandable - and an effect of under-funding).

What helped me? I think I consciously trained myself to 'let go' a bit. I acknowledged my feelings (sounds corny) and consciously worked on the idea of risk.

I had to let go of a lot of anger towards my husband, too, who was more involved in the holiday accident. With you, I think you need to let go of any anger you feel towards yourself. You're doing your best. Your child is still here. It's actually OK. There are a lot of accidents in life. Fortunately (and some of that really is down to fortune) it's usually OK.

Yeah I posted just after it happened. It's a good point- it could be stopping me from effective parenting a little I guess.

Maybe I should try to go private on the counselling.....thanks.

The guilt is the worst bit. TBH. I feel like I don't deserve my kids- like I can't be trusted or something.

Go private if you can. Talk through what happened.
Lots of parents will identify with you on this one.
My dd slipped out of her sling when she was 6 weeks old. She was okay, but I was really shaken up by it.

I think I remember your post before. Was it the one where there was a lowish wall with a big drop behind it that wouldn't have been obvious? It sounds dangerous and I'd imagine other kids probably fall foul of it regularly too. It's not your fault, so try not to torture yourself over it. Kids do have accidents and all's well that ends well. By all means seek help if it is affecting you though.

I have been through very similar, as has a very good friend. It is more common than you think. Awful accidents happen but you have had luck on your side. It will take time to process but you (And your DS) will be fine. Just be gentle with yourself.

That must have been so scary for you, especially being overseas. It probably will take some time to get over what's happened.
I think as parents we do often feel guilty about lots of things. I think it's all part of being mums & dad's. Its hard not to dwell on the what ifs.
You love your kids. Sending a big hug your way.

When my dd was 22m I shut her finger in a door which locked behind us.

I will never, the whole of my life, forget the horror of my child trapped and screaming. People bashing on doors and windows to get someone to come and unlock the door from the inside. People running around the building to get in from the other side. My total impotence to do anything for my child. And at the same time that small portion of ever-on-duty that was also trying to keep any eye on my dc1, make sure he didn't run off/see what was going on and be distressed, even though I couldn't do anything.

Ds's finger was broken, but she recovered completely, and there is absolutely no evidence on her hand or in her head that it ever happened.

But in my head: what if it had been 1cm higher, and her joint had been destroyed? What if it had been several fingers? What if it had taken longer to free her and she'd lost a finger? What if she had been long term traumatised by it?

But these things did not happen.

The accident that happened was what happened, not something else, something worse. When it happened I stepped up to the mark and looked after my child. As did dh. As did the strangers around us, who also looked after dc1 for us.

Because accidents happen in life. We have to dust ourselves off and keep going. We have to be thankful for the good things that happen, for recovery and support. Otherwise we drown in the fear and horror of what-if.

Much harder to handle, though, was the guilt: I did this to my child. How could I have been careless enough to let my child come to harm? But, again, it's an accident, part of life. Dd still loved and trusted me. Nobody judged me. I had not been wilfully careless. The only person who had to forgive me, was me. I think I've managed to do that. Of course, it would be much harder had dd suffered long-term damage. But I'd still have had to find a way. You can't live your life under such a weight.

And you can bet I am bloody, pedantically, fussy about fingers and door jambs now!

I hope your dc goes on to make a full recovery. Toddlers are phenomenally resilient, and the brains have the most amazing ability to recover completely.

Love him, love your other dc, and love yourself.

When one of those nasty, unhelpful thoughts intrudes, tell it "That's not what happened and that is not going to happen. Bog off and chuck your poison elsewhere. My kid is fine and I'm a good mum."

Well, it's good that you've identified the key unhelpful thought - and that you recognise it as being unhelpful and not 'real'. You can work on that!

If you can afford it, do get some private counselling - and make sure that you feel good with the counsellor.

With me, the key thought was how fragile everything was and how terrifying it was that you could love people so profoundly and then lose them, utterly. It was overwhelming at points - and I was terrified that I would end up pulling away from my children because of it.

I tell you that so that you can see that the 'unhelpful thoughts' can take quite a different form in different people, be quite unique to the individual/circumstance, and be really unhelpful and 'unreal' in quite different ways - which gives you an indication of how ungrounded in reality they really are.

I think this is your third thread about this? It must have been very scary incident. Go on the counselling waiting list, if the wait is 3 months it's basically 12 weeks and may help.

Iirc in your first thread you said your DH and pil were there too? Just you were nearest? It's not your fault op. I agree try to get some counselling if it's still impacting every day life.
for you

StepAwayFromCake : "When one of those nasty, unhelpful thoughts intrudes, tell it "That's not what happened and that is not going to happen. Bog off and chuck your poison elsewhere. My kid is fine and I'm a good mum."

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that this happened and I am so relieved that your son is ok. My younger brother had similar accidents more than once when he was a toddler and as I was only a little older than him I suppose I never really considered their severity as he always recovered quickly.

As other posters have said, this is a relatively "normal" incident to have occurred and your what-iffing now is also to be expected. I'd agree with other posters that you may benefit from chatting this through with a counsellor, or even with your GP (if you can get an appointment).

Great advice from thecatfromjapan and StepAwayFromCake.

Definitely go on the waiting list for counselling. It will help you to work through your emotions.
My daughter had a serious accident when she was 4. It was awful and very traumatic (more for me than her). It did make me very anxious for a while after, I think the most scary part for me is realising first hand that in a split second everything can change. I just don't let myself think about it and try to just enjoy what I've got now.

Thanks all. Yes- very low wall (more like a step) with no warning and a ten foot drop over the other side. Toddler couldn't be stopped. Dh was present but on the other side of the wall so I "was in charge". I think dh has dealt better with it all as its "not his fault" so he isn't carrying the guilt I am.

Will do counselling.

Agree about the split second thing- it's terrifying. One minute things are fine and the next - a horror movie. A horror movie I've experienced twice previously I might add, after the deaths of my parents. Probably isnt helping my current negative thoughts.

Thanks for listening all.

That sounds ridiculous. If it's part of a hotel or tourist attraction I'd warn people on trip advisor if I were you. They need to fence it off or this will keep happening.

Allow yourself a short period each day to consciously think about it. Remind yourself that it wasn't your fault, and that he's fine.

I know how you feel, different situation, but lots of intrusive 'what if' thoughts. In my case my little one just just avoided beinv seriously injured, if not killed. It would have been entirely my fault.

If it does pop into your head, try not to let your thoughts go anywhere too dark. It's hard, but you can train yourself to do it.

The ones that come out of the blue - as a PP said. Tell them to bog off.

Then remind yourself again that he's OK.

It WILL fade.

I just realised there's a in my original post! Clearly it's not meant to be there! It was a

I fell over when I was 38 weeks pregnant and thought I'd killed my DD. Remember just laying here in the carpark whilst people were rushing towards me and I just felt empty. Not sad or scared,just empty and didn't care what happened to me.
Luckily after being rushed to hospital she was fine (I managed to break both my elbows though 😳🙄)and is now a healthy 6 week old.

However I never talked about how I felt, people only ever asked me about my elbows and I assumed maybe I shouldn't be feeling the way I was which was a paranoid panicky mess!!

I hid it very well but whenever my partner or anyone took her away from me, even into the next room so I could sleep. I'd either lie there imagining all kinds of terrible things happening to her or have nightmares if I did get to sleep.

I finally told my DP, although had to write it all down as couldnt say it all. We talked about it and I cried a lot. He said I should tell gp which I did and he's referred me for counselling.

I will go, I've never been one for that before but my brain needs controlling as it's getting out of hand! I do feel much better just for telling my DP plus he now understands my tears and upset are not through me not trusting him, but from a genuine fear of losing DD.

I can't imagine how bad you must be feeling considering your dc actually had an accident but I can sort of relate. Hope things get better for you

Thanks