Going to mother/baby groups makes me feel like a bad mummy - confidence boost wanted please!

[Jessicatmagnificat]

DD and I attended a mother/baby meet up this morning. DD threw a massive crying fit and was so inconsolable that I had to leave early (she is 20 weeks). I don't know what had upset her, so found it hard to respond to other mums' questions about why she was so upset. I came away feeling embarrassed that I couldn't calm DD and a bit low about some of the comments made by the other mums along the lines of "don't know how you cope" (DD is often upset at these gatherings) and "does she sit up yet" etc etc.

Common sense tells me that I shouldn't be worried that DD doesn't roll, can't sit up, sometimes has crying fits etc but I DO feel worried as I see all these other well behaved babies and their calm mums. DD is happy most of the time but has some very fretful moments, and these seems to occur mostly when we are out and about.

I love my DD and feel so proud of being her mum. But I might have to broaden my social horizons a bit as mixing with other new mums all the time is starting to feel a bit claustrophobic and competitive. Has anyone else found this? Am I just being hypersensitive in feeling that others are judging me because I can't always stop DD crying? I know I probably am, but need a confidence boost.

They are probably just feeling sorry for you if you can't stop her crying at that time. Keep going and you'll probably find someone you bond with better than the others.
And I bet the other babies are little buggers at home when no-one's looking

When I went to post natal group with dd1 I constantly thought people were looking at me like I was the worlds worst mother. Think about it logically though, when you were there were you scanning the room making snap judgements about thier parenting skills? I doubt it, they were probably thinking "thank god it's not my dc crying today!" Go back, you will make friends

IME children at these kinds of groups seem to take turns when it comes to screaming and crying. Next week someone else will be trying to calm their baby while you sit with a happy dd.

It sounds as though they were just trying to make conversation rather than judging. Look for another group if this isn't the one for you but honestly I would say that the other parents were probably just trying to be friendly.

Poor you, it's no fun when you feel all eyes are on you for the wrong reasons!

I agree with scootergirl, the others will be an absolute nightmare too, give it a month or so and their gripes will come out

I used to ask a lot of questions about other babies' achievements- not because I was in a competitive frame of mind but because my ds probably was'nt doing those things- and I didn't care, he was so lazy as a baby!- but it was because I wanted to say things like "how exciting!" and "what a clever chap" to the other mum to show I was interested in her babba too. Only after this stage did it ever occur to me that other mums might have thought me cheeky! So give it another go, you'll find a kindred spirit soon
Good luck

I think the conversations about rolling etc are just first time mums with no idea what to say. It is just making conversation, try not to take it personally.

Now if I get asked something like that I just accept it as smalltalk rather than genuine curiosity about whether my baby can sleep through etc.

Try not to worry, all babies cry and these other mums are sure to have heard their fair share. It might seem like your dd is the one who always cries, I sometimes felt like that with DS, he seems to be the who is either having the most fun, or the least... but I doubt the other mums are judging you.

We used to swap babies for a few mins when having coffee etc so mum of crying baby could have a quick swig and calm down, and often crying baby would stop crying when held by someone else.

Bet your DD is fab and you are right to be proud of being her mum.

I find most mums and babies/toddler groups to be tediuos at best and downright annoying at worst.

If you are very lucky you will find people with whom you share interests, otherwise you are stuck in a room for an hour or two, full of screaming kids running riot and the only reason you are all there is that you happen to have children under the age of 5. Mind you as CM's go too sometimes you don't even have that in common.

The peer pressure can get a bit heavy as well, remember when you were at school and there were 30 children in your class. You watched each other, formed little friendship groups, dissaproved of someone because they didn't dress like you, because they were good at schoolwork or sport. The same thing happens at mother and baby groups.

All the Breastfeeders group together and frown if you take out a bottle, the organic lentil weavers sniff loudly and take the fruit squash away from their children whilst saying loudly 'oh miles NEVER asks for sweets, the childminders sit together and bitch about the mums and dads of their charges.

You get a pitying sneer if you turn up looking scruffy and if you step outside the dress code woebetide you!

oh and i forgot the only acceptable topics of conversation are: children:

Now if you enjoy being a mum and identify yourself as 'I'm a mum' or 'I'm xxx mum' you may well enjoy the groups. I am sooooooooo glad I'm back at work!

Sometimes babies cry because they want to.

Mothers have a tendency to present a brave face (I prefer to think of it that way than to call it competitiveness)

5 month old babies often don't roll these days - a legacy of sleeping on their backs.

The best mother in the world cannot make a child develop at anything faster than his natural pace.

You're doing fine, and one of the other mothers will be the one feeling insecure next week.

BTW, I hate those "mothers meeting" things. I find myself saying things to get a reaction and I have no idea why whether my child sleeps through is of any relevance to whether other babies should do so... It's quite hard talking to people for long when the only thing you have in common is that you boh hav children.

or "both have" even.

Sunnyjim - How many groups have you actually been to? I ask because none of those things happen in any of the groups I've been to over the years.

Blimey what a lot of unresolved anger there was in that one!

Really glad I didn't have the same experience Sunnyjim, that must have been an absolute nightmare for you. Luckily the m&b groups near me (herefordshire) were lovely and I've made some great friends through them. SO I might sound a bit smug but didn't meant to be! Hope you've found some more like minded friends since having your lo.

Is sunnyjim having a bad day?
It's not that bad really jessicat.

they are quite awful aren't they?! it took me a while before i found one that i felt right in. what helped me was putting an ad on netmums. then i met a few mums near me with babies the same age as mine, and we went round baby groups together until we found one we liked. i think when you're in public with a crying difficult baby it can get stressful, you lose sight of what you would do at home and you can't stop thinking everyone is staring. when you get past that, and when you get more at ease with your baby, usually after 6 months ish, but before they strat crawling and running amock , you realise that no one's really that bothered your baby's crying. you hardly even notice anyone else's crying.

The mother/baby and toddler groups we go to are great, very friendly and while yes, we do talk about children (after all, it is the one thing we all obviously have in common!) once you get to know people, you talk about all sort of things (today we were bemoaning the loss of our "get the norks out, get all foxy, go on the pull" days ).

Jessicat, I guarantee you that every single one of those babies has thrown a complete wobbly at one time or another. My DS tends to be very calm at toddler group, because he is fascinated by other children, but he may well scream and shout all the way home! Other children find it all a bit scary and can be tearful, it sound like your little one maybe finds it all a bit overwhelming?

With regard to development, your DD is still very little and I know looooads of babies who couldn't sit/roll etc at that age. I'm sure it's just curiousity from the other mothers. Are their DCs a similar age? It's less likely to be competitive mummy syndrome if they are a different age, I think.

I don't think you're being hypersensitive - you're probably affected by your DD's cries, if they're anything like my DS's, it's enough to make you want to scream yourself!

Hope things improve for you

awww, quite understand how you feel ... but as others have said I suspect people were making coversation rather than judging - esp ito the 'is she rolling/sitting up stuff ' - it's easier to start conversations with things like that rather than 'so. what's your philiosphy on parenting' 'How are you and your husband coping with being parents', or even 'did you see that mad cow Jardine on the Apprentice last night' ... all of which would probably make for more interesting coversations!! FWIW, pretty much no-one talked to me for the first month or so I went, so at least yours sounds chatty!
It was your dd this week, it'll be someone else's next week ... or possibly, your dd will just take a little longer to get used this sort of busy environement - ds found them a bit much (he's a sensitive flower) dd is more robust and loved them from the start.
If you can keep going, you'll probably start to get over the competitive bit, and get to the stage where you're consolling/competing over who has the worst behaved/most rubbish sleeper etc.
That said, have to admit I made relatively few best mates at M&T grps ... but quite a few nice acquaintances & am glad I kept going after the first few weeks/months.

Well this thread has cheered me up, anyway. Cos I find it hard to get on with the mums at one toddler group I go to - the main reason we keep going is cos the facilities are nice and DS likes it (and is really starting to enjoy playing with the other kids, as well). I can put up with a couple of hours of biting my tongue and/or tumbleweed moments.
Jessicat, try to go to more than one group if there;s more than one in your area. because they do vary a lot - of my local 3 that we use, one's fairly chavvy, one's fairly smart and one annoyingly prone to religion-peddling but that is the group leaders not the mums...

jessicat, just wanted to second everyone else's comments here! Asking how your child is doing is just showing an interest in the most part (yes, some people are being competitive but just ignore them!).

My ds is now 14m and I now have to fight to get him into his pushchair when leaving any kind of group - imagine the looks I get for squashing him down and pulling his arm through the straps !

I have made a couple of good friends though and it is worthwhile keeping going if you think you will as well, if not with this group then perhaps try another one.

Hi Jessicat, I know what you mean. I think I was more sensitive about what people said to me about DD1 before DD2 was born, I'm far more blase/confident now. I'm sure people aren't judging you, they're probably just relieved that it isn;t their LO causing a fuss. You're a great Mum, and everyone else will clearly be able to see that is the case. Don;t take things personally.
DD will be rolling about, walking, talking etc fine in her own time, no reason for her to do it at the same speed as (what feels like) all the others. Know what you mean though. Don't worry, all will be fab, and you're doing great!! x

sorry all - bad day/moment there and yes I do have loads of unresolved stuff about it all!

(btw I've been to 8 different groups - sigh)

Keep going! You will meet someone you click with eventually. Your baby may seem to cry a lot now, but i bet she is the first to do something else soon. I didn't go to enough toddler groups and I regret it now TBH. I have such a small circle of friends and when many went back to work I could have done with a few extra people around to share the tough and happy times with. If I had my time again I'd go to every single group around and stick with it for longer. What I took to be unfriendly I now look back on and realise it was just shell-shocked new mums trying to get out and about...

Oh poor you! I know how frustrating some mother / baby meetups can be, I am on my second round now.

I agree with most pps here, they probably aren't being judgmental, just trying to be sympathetic. All babies cry at some stage. I bet at your next meetup your dd could be the one that is calmly sleeping.

With my first I met a lovely group of mums who I am still very friendly with and we all just clicked. I didn't feel that any of us really bragged or showed off about what our (nearly all) DSs were doing...

Now we have so much to talk about other than baby stuff (which I do honestly find so tedious....there's only so much that can be said about teething, weaning, sleeping, etc - it's nice off-loading though when I have an issue with either of my two!)

I went to a mum / baby coffee afternoon yesterday, and while it was lovely, I was the only one there with two. I was actually so envious of all the other mums there - their babies were only around 5 months old, so they were just sitting there calmly drinking their coffee, eating cake, chatting, feeding their babies. Me? Chasing round the house my DS 2.10.....just had to keep on telling myself that in probably around 2 years time those women will be in my shoes....

You will find a great group of friends who you will click with....and it sounds like you are doing a great job! Each baby is different, it might take some a little longer than others, but they all get there in the end (not that your dd is behind!)

(((((cyberhug)))))