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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you cope when DC clearly prefers their father?

23 replies

DucksGoWoof · 11/08/2017 08:15

It's been like this for about 12-18 months now. He's totally fine when it's just me, but if DP is around he just wants to be with him and pushes me away. It doesn't happen every time but it happens an awful lot. It's utterly heartbreaking and I don't know how to handle it. DP is away for work a bit, generally a night or two a week, but he's been around a more lately. I doubt there is anything I can do to change DS' preference for DP, but I really need to know how to handle it better. I try so hard not to let it upset me, especially in front of DS, but sometimes it's hard. I don't think DP quite understands just how upsetting this is.

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christmasunicorn · 11/08/2017 08:19

Do you only have the 1dc? I have 4 and the youngest definitely prefers dh. It does sometimes hurt but then I remember dc's2&3 always chose me over dh and I realise this probably hurts him too, so I let him have his time with dc4.

Original poster

DucksGoWoof · 11/08/2017 08:20

Forgot to add, DS is 2.3.

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Original poster

DucksGoWoof · 11/08/2017 08:21

Yes, he's the only child.

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Puggsville · 11/08/2017 08:23

Make sure your DP involves you in what he is doing with DS. Not all the time obviously but if they're playing a game, for example, DP could say - with smile on his face and enthusiasm in his voice - "oh let's get mummy to play with us, we'll have great fun"

Or, if they're watching a DVD, invite you over and the 3 of you can huddle together and enjoy the film.

So basically DP shows by his voice, facial expressions, body language how much he enjoys you being around and DS will copy this.

Puggsville · 11/08/2017 08:27

My DD (now 12) has no siblings and doesn't show any preference now (think she preferred DH when she was a toddler) but we have grown into what Martin Clunes describes as a "happy gang of 3", as your family will too. Or 4 or 5 ....

Original poster

DucksGoWoof · 11/08/2017 08:45

Thanks for your replies!

He does this already Puggs. Sometimes DS is fine with it, other times he's not.

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Starlight2345 · 11/08/2017 08:53

I think the word prefers elminates the fact DC loves you too.

The only thing I would ensure is you that you aren't the only one doing all the things your ds would consider a chore..

My DS would gravitate to any man over me at that age too even if not there father.

EsmeeMerlin · 11/08/2017 08:58

My ds (3) is all over his dad when he is home. They have a really good closeness and play all these games together and have all these shared interests whereas I am the boring one! Who does not know the Star Wars characters.

I just let them get on with it, I know ds loves me a lot and we get on all the time it's just dad is good at different things. Funny enough when he is ill or needs comfort he will still want me over his dad.

EyeDrops · 11/08/2017 09:43

When my DD goes through phases of this, I try to look on the bright side - when I've been with her all day as a SAHM, it means that I get a bit of respite which I enjoy! When she's the other way and only wanting me, it's impossible to get a minutes peace and then I end up getting crabby.

I know it's still hurtful, but it helps me to appreciate the advantages! And, as others have said, he absolutely loves you too.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 11/08/2017 10:18

Small children are very motivated to form and maintain attached relationships with parents and carers. It may be that because you're around more, he's more secure in his attachment to you. If your partner is away regularly it makes sense that your DS would feel a need to work harder (as it were) on maintaining his relationship with him. Don't be hurt - he needs you both!

BubblesPip · 11/08/2017 10:50

I have this problem also with my year old daughter. To makes things worse me and her DD separated when she was a few weeks old and it is far from amicable (dc). When he's around I'm virtually invisible and she'll never come back to me.
However, I try to think rationally that i am her constant. She trusts that I'll be there when she wants me. Yet he comes and goes, often for weeks at a time so it's exciting and new to see him. I imagine it's very much the same for you and your ds.

Original poster

DucksGoWoof · 11/08/2017 22:53

He does seem to prefer the company of men.

I know there is a logic to DS wanting to be with the parent that he sees less, it just feels shit. Thanks for your comments, I think I need to vent about it sometimes without DP telling me I'm being a tit.

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Puppymouse · 11/08/2017 23:53

DD claims to prefer me to DH. Has done for a couple of years. Sometimes she's happy to see him, other times she'll scream because she doesn't want him to cuddle her and wants me. He is a brilliant Dad.

What DH tends to do is just ignore or stay calm whatever happens. I can only marvel at him some days. He just gets on with things, ignores the tantrums and parents her normally. She soon settles down. I think it's just an attention thing. And testing love and boundaries. If I tell her off she will instantly ask for Daddy. Just plays is off against each other which is totally normal. We just try to stand together and back each other up.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 12/08/2017 09:12

It sounds crap, esp if you're doing all the skivvying around sorting meals and poos and thinking of 10001 ways to entertain DS and worrying about dentists and shoe sizes and etc etc etc and after all that you get to be boring parent while his dad is getting all the adoration. YADNBU.

I only meant to suggest that DS behaviour reflects your relative reliability (from his POV) and not how much he values you

Theworldisfullofidiots · 12/08/2017 09:23

It's a phase. Both of mine went through this, sometimes they preferred their dad and sometimes they preferred me. It all changes.

oatybiscuits · 12/08/2017 09:29

My DS did this for a long time, sometimes I made the most of it but it was really hard when he wouldn't let me do anything if DH was there, or if he told me to go away 😭 now I'm on maternity leave and he's on holiday from playgroup I'm suddenly the preferred parent! They'll all go through phases with it, I wouldn't worry too much about the long term. If we feel it's going too much one way or the other we'll make sure to take equal turns doing bedtime while the other is walking the dog (so not in the house) which seems to help.

Intransige · 12/08/2017 09:38

You really need to get a handle on this feeling now before you have teenagers! In the nicest possible way, your relationship with your children is about them taking and you giving, and it's not about them being your friend. It's not an adult relationship of balanced give and take. If you take this kind of thing personally then it's going to be much harder in about ten years when DC typically start to try to manipulate parental weaknesses.

I know it's hard when you are the default parent and feel taken for granted, but that's really not what's happening here. He's only little, he has fairly simple needs, and as a PP said one of those needs is to strongly bond with his caregivers. If he's secure in his attachment to you he will spend less time on building the bond. It's actually a really good sign in terms of attachment and development.

Cruciatus · 12/08/2017 09:42

My DS was like this OP. It hurt! Especially when people used to say oh boys love their mummies. Mine made no secret of the fact that Daddy was No1. Because he is my second child I didn't mind ^so^ much but I was aware that had he been my first I'd have coped less well. After he started school (around 6 yrs of age) he slowly switched his allegiance and now is sellotaped to me at every opportunity!

Love51 · 12/08/2017 14:28

DD went through phases. Her younger bro doesn't prefer me or their dad, he prefers DD. I don't think they believe me when I say they can't marry each other. I am well aware it is a phase, but I hope they are still close as they get older.

cornishgirl17 · 12/08/2017 20:09

Going through the same thing here. Both DS & DD are all for their daddy when he's home from work (they do love me when he's at work haha).

I think it's because I'm home all of the time and they know Mummy will always be home whereas daddy goes to work and works long hours so only sees DC for a little bed before bedtime. My DD gets upset when he leaves the room but couldn't give a c**p when I do 😂

Gillian1980 · 12/08/2017 20:30

My 24 month old DD is the same.
If I'm the only one here, she'll come to me and gave cuddles etc. Happy for me to do everything though will ask where daddy is.

But if DH is home she always wants him and will scream and cry if she gets me instead. Makes it tricky for DH to work from home anymore!

I'm hoping it'll be a phase and it sometimes does hurt. At the moment I kind of ignore it to an extent and she has to deal with having me sometimes despite wanting dh.

GreenRut · 12/08/2017 20:48

I agree it's a phase. Mine mainly prefer me but they have spells of being more inclined towards dh (and i very much welcome those as it means one less child stapled to my leg wherever I go!)

lovelyredwine · 12/08/2017 20:55

Both of my dd's have preferred me to DH as babies and toddlers. DD2 is going through it at the moment; she will be 2 soon.

DD1 has grown out of it and sometimes prefers me, other times DH and sometimes wants us both. Mostly she displays no preference and tries to be 'fair' to us both by picking me to go swimming with her, then DH to go to the park etc so that we get to spend equal time with her!

Your DS will probably grow out of it, but I know my DH found it really hard particularly with DD1. He's not as upset with DD2 as he is hoping she will grow out of it like DD1 did.

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