Knowing you want children?

[marellocherry25]

I've posted this here rather than on TTC as I thought it would be insensitive to post there.

I am 33 and have seriously bad endometriosis, it's even grown outside of my abdominal cavity. I've had 6 surgeries for it now, although amazingly my ovaries look good. My partner is just turning 30 and we're smitten.

I saw my consultant yesterday. As always, the children question was asked. We know we're not ready for children now and in the past we've always said that we'll see how we feel when I'm 35, understanding that it may never happen for us.

I was recapping my appointment to DP last night when we realised that 35 is 18 months away. He exclaimed, "wow, I can't imagine being ready in 18 months"...and actually neither can I. We're both career driven, working long hours and living in central London. If we ever got lucky, we'd move out of London to have the space to raise a child, but of course, that involves horrible commutes. We believe strongly in being there properly for a child but I am the breadwinner and love my work.

DP has always imagined being a Dad at some point, I guess I've always thought I'd like to be a mum if things worked out for me. However, I really can't imagine wanting to change my life so dramatically in such a short time. The point being: my consultant is floating the idea of a hysterectomy as I'm suffering quite badly. Realistically if I don't want children, I could opt to not have to put up with endometriosis anymore.

Apologies for the long winded introduction, but, how did you know you wanted children? I'm very muddled up at the moment. I'd love some sage advice from your own experience, or insight into my situation.

Ironically me and DH were never fussed about having children pre-marriage and we were generally quite nonchalant about it. I remember once he said to me, "How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant" and I generally felt horrified at the thought

A few months before the wedding and completely out of the blue he asked me if we should start trying for a baby. I had no idea where that notion had come from but I just laughed him off as the idea just didn't appeal at all. I simply couldn't imagine ever having children.

However, once we were married things suddenly changed and somehow we ended up TTC, I honestly don't even think we had a conversation about it, we just did it because it felt like the next logical step. I never had a strong urge to have a child, it just happened. Whilst pregnant we agreed we'd just have the one.

However 12 months after DS's arrival I was absolutely craving another child and I finally understood what it felt like to really want one.

I think a lot of women feel so-so about having children. Some women say they've wanted a baby since they were 12, other women don't want one at all and then the rest of us fall somewhere in the middle.

If DH and I hadn't TTC'd just because it felt logical I doubt we ever would have because at that stage in my life I don't know if I ever would have hit a point of "knowing" I wanted a child. I was 30 when I had our first baby and I'm now almost 34 and pregnant with the second.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you think you would regret having children? Research shows that fertility does decline at 35 (even though anecdotally you will hear different) so you need to take that into account, especially if you'd want more than one child.

Although I was very ambivalent about having a baby my son (now 3.5 years) is my absolute world. He's everything to me, I love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

Some people say that you'll never regret having a child but you may come to regret never having them. However, I'm sure some women do regret having a baby and there will also be women who will always feel at peace with their decision not to have one.

There is a lot to consider OP and nobody can really give you an answer as to what to do because only you know your feelings. The best of luck though and I hope you manage to make the right decision for you both

Have the hysterectomy my toddler has been a little fucking shit today

There are no right or wrong answers. I was never fussed about having a baby, but my husband wanted to be a dad, so we had a baby two years, one miscarriage and a round of ivf later

I don't much care for motherhood so far My daughter is approaching two and is very 'spirited'. I do sometimes feel resentful of how much my life has changed, but I love her so much it scares me.

Sorry - I don't imagine that's been a very helpful answer!

I think an important question is will you regret not having them?

I won't in fact I think I would regret having them so I class myself as childfree. My SO and I plan to never have children.

If you think you would regret not having children then maybe look into what changes you would need to make. If not then continue on.

I think children are bit like sexuality in that everyone has their own feelings and opinions but it's very difficult to explain.

Five years from now: where do you both see yourselves? Family home with a child? Glamorous apartment, sipping champagne? Saving tigers in Vietnam? Once you know that, then you can decide. And as other people said: will you regret not raising a child (as you could, if you wanted to, have the operation, then foster or adopt)?

It's a lot to think about. But the job/career commute may not necessarily be a problem - London has good schools and facilities. Or you may decide to work from home, do compressed hours or start a consultancy. There are several ways to slice that sandwich, including DP being a SAHP.

I never felt strongly about children either way, but did decide in my 20s that I liked the idea of having a "family", so pursued a path to facilitate that, ie married a nice man, bought a house, became a SAHM. I now have a toddler and a second baby on the way. To be honest, I haven't enjoyed parenthood so far. I think I would probably would be happier if I hadn't chosen this path. I am hoping things will become more enjoyable as my children get older.

I couldn't know how I would feel about having children until I'd already had them. If I hadn't had children, I bet I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what things would be like if they existed. I think you always wonder about the life that could have been.

So I don't have any advice, just that you will chose your path and that will be that.

For us it was discussion about where we wanted our relationship to go. We had enjoyed our free-from-responsibilities relationship for several years, and were beginning to feel that maybe there was more that we wanted from life. I was in a well-paid job, but felt no particular drive for it. I was your age, and had not had any desire to have children. Dh had always wanted children 'at some point' but it had never been a factor in our relationship.

It wasn't one discussion, but a gradual drawing-together of several discussions. Gradually we realised that my biological clock was ticking, that I did want children, and that we were both ready to step up to the next stage of our lives.

3 dc and a wrecked body later...

No regrets

If you know you want children at some point and can't imagine never having them, then you need to think practically in terms of the endometriosis. There is never a right time and you could put it off forever thinking not just yet.

We know we're not ready for children now

He exclaimed, "wow, I can't imagine being ready in 18 months"...and actually neither can I.

I think these comments are fairly insightful from your OP.

In answer to your question, DH and I had always talked about having children and how we would raise them. Then we hit a point where we both really wanted to start a family, but weren't financially comfortable enough.

I would hold friends' babies and feel a proper deep yearning to have one of my own, a tiny little human to take care of and love. I remember lying in bed imagining being pregnant and feeling a little life growing and kicking inside me and wishing it was real. We talked about adopting if we weren't able to fall pregnant for whatever reason. We talked about how we would deal with teenage years and lessons learned from our own experiences of being parented.

We're a few years and two kids down the line now. Pregnancy was much less blissful than I'd imagined! But I've never regretted having children. I would be hesitant to go into it without that desire, that's what gets me through the hard days.

Thank you for the honesty everyone! Truth be told I don't know if I'd regret it later. I've always taken the mindset that you make your choices, you embrace them and choose to be happy. The idea of being an OAP and not having any family (I'm an only child) makes me sad but of course, that is a ridiculous reason to have a child.

No, I don't think it is a ridiculous reason. It certainly was part of my thinking.

Before one contemplates having children, how long-range are ones plans? A few years at most, barring career plans. When you think about having children it may be the first time you think about truly long-range plans of decades or a lifetime.

Obviously you need to be willing to put in the effort and make sacrifices in the earlier years, even longer, in order to reap the joys of having a family in later years, but isn't that the same for any plan, for anything worth creating?

you make your choices, you embrace them and choose to be happy

With that mindset I believe that you will be happy whether you have children or not.

I don't think I ever knew for absolutely sure before I actually got pregnant. In my 20s, I couldn't imagine having kids and was pretty firmly in the 'not for me' camp. In my 30s, my attitude evolved into 'maybe some day, but definitely not now', which view was shared by my DH. At 35, I decided to get fertility tests just to see if it was ok to delay a bit longer. And waiting for the results, in that clinic waiting room, I wondered what if they tell me I am infertile already? That was the first time I felt a bit of a cold sweat that if I never had a baby, I might regret it.

Anyway, the tests were fine for my age and the doc advised to TTC in the next two years. We discussed it some more and came up with lots of reasons why we might want and enjoy being parents, but I still didn't feel any 'urge'. However, time was ticking and we felt we should at least try and leave it up to nature to decide. At 36, I stopped taking the pill to 'let my system recover' but we still hesitated (and took a record number of holidays - maybe that was a sign). At 37, we finally decided to try, spurred in part by (genuinely) forgetting to bring condoms on holiday. I got pregnant within a few months and had an early scan at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy. I can honestly say that only when I heard my tiny baby-to-be's heartbeat, was I finally sure I'd made the right decision.

That baby is 4 months old now and I can honestly say motherhood is way better than I ever thought it could be. He's brought so much pure happiness into our lives. I've discovered a side of myself I never knew was there. But I never would have guessed it before hand. (And I know that not every woman feels the same.)

I guess what I'm saying is; you might never 'know' whether you want them for sure, and at some point you'll just have to make the best decision you can based on all you do know and feel. Good luck and I really hope it all works out either way.

I think children are bit like sexuality in that everyone has their own feelings and opinions but it's very difficult to explain.

@PlayingGrownUp Yes, well said. And anyone doing "not the usual thing" is expected to have a good reason and feel very strongly about it, whereas people who do the default thing are not expected to explain their choices.

Here's a question. If you found out your were pregnant this afternoon, what would you do and how would you feel?

I remember being 24 and hearing colleagues discussing the desperation you get for a baby( none of them had a baby, they just all wanted one), and I was thinking I have no idea what they're talking about! They were all late 20s early 30s.

Then when I was 26 I got the massive overwhelming feeling of desperately wanting a baby. I didn't even have a boyfriend, so had to get out there and find someone (pre internet dating).

Any way from age 26 I was desperate for a baby. Thankfully had them at age 31 and 33.

It's interesting everyone feels so differently, as I'd assumed it must be similar for everyone else.

You have lots of big decisions ahead of you OP.

Regarding the career, as someone said up thread there are loads of options- it doesn't need to be you ending your career by any means. I ended up changing career and starting my own business in my 2nd mat leave, which was extremely rewarding.

Also don't feel you have to rush to the suburbs either. You can have a great time bringing up kids in London.

I always feel impatient when I see people trying to get everything in place before kids - just have a baby if you want and they will fit in with whatever you've got planned.