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Parenting

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Original poster

How to help my son be a good young parent

23 replies

foofoofairybumcakes · 08/08/2017 13:38

Hi, not sure whether to post on this site or Gransnet, in short my 20 year old son became a parent 3 years ago to a lovely little girl. The mother was a short term girlfriend, but they decided to get married and attempt a life together. However, it was not to be, and after living together in a flat for about 6 months (of complete misery for them both I'm sure) they decided to call it a day and split. She moved back with her grandparents (who had been her primary caregivers most of her life) and he moved back with his dad (we are divorced). So now the thing is although he has daughter most weekends, he is very resentful of the life he has been denied and the financial restraints that have been thrust upon him. DGD visits often but is always trying to get everyones attention (especially his) and I would like to find some way to help him be a good parent. especially as my XH was pretty bloody useless at interacting with his kids Any ideas? Good books?? I know from my own experience, and my daughters and various friends the long term negative impact on a girl depending on her relationship with her father and would like to avoid this pattern repeating if possible. Advice please!

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Happicuppa · 08/08/2017 14:27

You say he is resentful, I hope this doesn't show when he spends time with his daughter? I don't have much good advice I'm afraid except that while it's wonderful you want to help him the enthusiasm and will to be an engaged parent has to come from him.

Original poster

foofoofairybumcakes · 08/08/2017 14:33

No he is really very good with DGD but I'm just looking for some way to give him a bit of advice without being obvious about it! I'll have a look in the parenting book section. I think the problem is simply we all find it tough to entertain an active 3 year old and need to get some key plans and ideas in place and embrace the time they are together, not try to avoid going to the park / painting / building a den.

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/08/2017 14:37

Encourage them to get into a routine - your DGD will feel secure and it takes the headache out of deciding what to do.

So say he has her Sat am to Sun night, it would look like

Sat:
some sort of toddler group
lunch
pm walk to the park if fine, if not build a den at home and watch a movie

Sun
Swimming
lunch out
Visit gran
home

One way you could help is by making sure that there is appropriate kit, like swimming costumes, wellies so they can get out even on rainy days, etc.

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NerrSnerr · 08/08/2017 14:38

Three year olds don't need majorly exciting things to keep going occupied, mine is still talking about the day last week we jumped in puddles and picked blackberries.

How about an activity they can do together as their thing? Swimming, trampoline park, toddler group etc?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/08/2017 14:38

Posted too soon: getting out and about as much as possible, but doing it in a routine way means that there's no sitting around wondering what to do and how to do it. And geniunely, she'll like having that sort of routine too. Stuff like swimming can be 'their' thing, so building lots of positive associations.

absolutelynot · 08/08/2017 14:57

my oh was in same position with same emotions when he was 20 (dsd is now12). his mum was not as emotionally supportive so allowed the way he felt to turn into actions, so he lived the life he wanted whilst she parented when dsd visited. this has led to an almost non existent relationship between dsd and oh, not volatile or negative, just non descript. So as an outsider I could see these issues when we first met and saw what was needed to make amends for lost time, unfortunately too late for OH, the dynamic was already set in stone- what my OH would give for hindsight! For our children I make sure that they have 'daddy' things, so daddy does baths, stories, boiled eggs (don't ask me why i'm not allowed, i've no idea, but it is something that they clearly feel he is the one who can provide that for them). The important things are usually the free things, so don't get into spending money, just make sure he spends time.

As far as his feelings of missing out on life, i get that. But a grown up decision was made when she was conceived and born, so he can't fall back into being a kid again now he's realised that its not what he expected. There is no way to help with those feelings that i can see other than reinforcing positive time with his dd, so he can reap the benefits of seeing his dd happy in his company. Good luck though, i imagine its a toughy from your perspective. You are a good mum.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/08/2017 15:04

I was 19 (nearly 20) when I had DD, DP was 22. She is 3 now and just loves people playing and talking with her. Play doh is one of her favourites and she loves playing with her shop. You don't have to go anywhere or spend a lot of money for children to feel loved. Walking to the park always goes down well too.

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 15:08

. So now the thing is although he has daughter most weekends, he is very resentful of the life he has been denied and the financial restraints that have been thrust upon him.

He's a weekend only dad and he's resentful? How does the resentment manifest itself? Is he blaming his ex?

I'm not sure "softly, softly" will do the job. He's had three years to adjust. He's an adult and a parent and he needs to get a grip.

BackforGood · 08/08/2017 15:13

I agree it needn't be 'going out to expensive places' all the time - indeed, I think it is better if it isn't, but routine things that become 'what I do with my Daddy' things. So, as others have said, swimming is good. Things such as cooking together. A place they go together a lot - might be to support the local non-league rugby or football club, or indeed, to play micro rugby, or involved in a cricket club locally - all usually family orientated.
We're having a major tidy out of some untouched cupboards this holiday, and have unearthed some 'scrap book diaries' I used to do with my dc when they were little...... it was just a way, at the time, to occupy a few more hours in the long holidays, particuarly the wet days, but we'd stick bus tickets in there or the odd programme or ticket from something we went to. I'd get them to draw pictures and "write" (squiggle) what they'd done and I'd scribe underneath. My teen and adult dc have absolutely LOVED looking through them this week, and it is actually a lovely memory of those times, even though there were no expensive trips out or anything (there are tales of a wasp stinging one of them in the garden, and some of feeding the ducks in the park).

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2017 16:31

Sorry, but to me it seems like your son needs a boot up his ass. He's "resentful" of the life he's been denied?! Boo-fucking-hoo. Give me a fucking break. Tell him that if he had been more responsible he wouldn't have become a father in the first place. His child didn't ask to be brought into this world, and he's going to take out his resentment on HER? He needs to grow up and he doesn't need any coddling from you.

junebirthdaygirl · 08/08/2017 17:12

My ds had a dc when young. When she was that age we all did things tovether when she came over. So l focused on making our home a welcome and secure place for her. I modelled good parenting. I encouaged ds to set up an activity before she arrived . I discussed what food he would cook for her and bit by bit he got going. I usually made myself scarce for the first half of the day and my return was a novelty later. Now he is really good. I saw that the more he put in the more he got back so bit by bit the bond grew stronger and now he is racing off to get her. A lot is fear and insecurity so dont feel bad if you are propping him up a bit until he really gets going. A positive loving environment in your home is vital for your gd.

Original poster

foofoofairybumcakes · 09/08/2017 10:24

Thanks for all the positive supportive comments - Yes, I keep wellies, swimming stuff, raincoats mini umbrellas to hand so we can access outside whatever the weather. We are lucky that we live in a quite child friendly area with good parks and facilities so I often gently steer them in that direction (or take DGD myself a lot of the time). Im just trying to find a way to get him to be more proactive about wanting to spend quality time with his daughter, its not really something I cant stamp my foot about as that is likely to have the opposite effect! And for the record to those ranty replies, I should really omit the word resentful from my OP. He is loving and caring towards his daughter but as I originally asked for, as a young parent I'm trying to find a way to offer him gentle guidance and advice!! Give me a break !

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Original poster

foofoofairybumcakes · 09/08/2017 10:26

Thank you junebirthdaygirl and absolutelynot you seem to fully understand the situation x

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 09/08/2017 10:27

So he's not resentful?

SerfTerf · 09/08/2017 10:32

. Im just trying to find a way to get him to be more proactive about wanting to spend quality time with his daughter, its not really something I cant stamp my foot about as that is likely to have the opposite effect!

No but leaning back instead of leaning in might be what's needed. Three years is quite a long time to be not quite reconciled to the parental role, even for a teen parent.

A bit of being left to sink or swim could be worth trying. (I KNOW how tempting it is to step in and "Mum" it all smooth.)

Brandnewstart · 09/08/2017 10:35

If he has her every weekend, he probably is resentful! I think I would be if my ex didn't have the kids every other weekend. I hate being apart from them but that is my only time to socialise as I work in the week.
All the things you said sound great. Would he bake with her or make gloop or play dough? Lots of the cinemas do kids club films for £2.50 on a sat and Sunday. She is juts getting to that age to be able to sit through a film and if they don't like it, it hasn't cost much if they want to leave. Soft play annual pass may be a good investment - you could always buy one for xmas for her.
It's hard because I would have found it much tougher without my mum friends to go out with. I assume he doesn't have any friends in the same position?

NameChange30 · 09/08/2017 10:39

"he is very resentful of the life he has been denied and the financial restraints that have been thrust upon him"

This language is very passive. As if parenthood is something that was inflicted on him by someone else. Actually, he chose to have unprotected sex. He was an active participant in becoming a father.

I think you backtracked on your mention of resentment because people have picked up on it. But if you typed it, you just have meant it?

I guess being a parent is hard work and could be even harder for a young person whose friends are all enjoying freedom from responsibility. But he doesn't see her in the week so he has "freedom" then. And he is lucky to have your support.

On a practical note, could he have his DD 3 weekends out of 4, and his ex have her the other weekend, so he gets 1 weekend off each month? I imagine his ex might want weekends with her DD too, especially once she starts school.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/08/2017 11:30

He needs to adjust his expectations of how his life is going to play out. I don't get to do the same things as my friends who don't have children. Instead, I get the joy of a beautiful DD who shows how excited she is about life. I have an excuse to go to child friendly films. Christmas magic is back for us all. I get to relive experiences for the first time through her. It's amazing.

I'm fortunate that I'm still together with DD's father so, whilst we both have her 100% of the time, if I need a break, I ask him to take over completely for a while. He does the same with me when he needs a break.

SeekingSugar · 09/08/2017 11:42

Lots of encouragement. I tell my 9yo what a wonderful dad he could be one day as he is so caring, funny and helpful. I point out the things he dies that are good boy/men/dad qualities (patience, kindness, generosity) so he can build a picture of desirable habits and behaviours. Boys need lots of support to become good men, especially when dads are out of the picture. Little steps - "wow she loved sitting with you to listen to a story", "she's so adorable, just as you were at her age"

waitingforthewaterwars2 · 11/08/2017 01:56

I wonder if having of his daughter most weekends, is possibly the cause of the problem too as some of the other posters have suggested. How was the arrangement decided? Was it a joint decision on he and his ex-girlfriend made, or where there strong suggestions placed from parents and grandparents?
Is there a way to review the custody arrangements so that he has her alternate weekends and perhaps a few nights during the other week.

I would also back off a bit, and let him find his own feet in this. I know your intent is beautiful, but you must've had to find your feet when you were raising him- perhaps you should let him do the same without the gentle guiding to activities and wonderful mum organisation.And wait till he comes to you with questions.

And if he does live with his Dad still, why are they around at yours
whenever he has his daughter? I wonder if inadvertently, that is contributing to his lack of a clue.

ElleDubloo · 11/08/2017 07:32

Toddlers' sports clubs on a Saturday morning are lots of fun. My DH takes DD1 there every week, and it's become their "thing" that she looks forward to, even though she normally clings to me for other things. The parents that go there are normally dads (I find) so it might be a good opportunity for him to meet other dads. Buying him a book is good, as is encouraging him yourself, but what would be most effective is if he made friends with other dads who are being good dads, IYSWIM. Hope that helps.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/08/2017 07:45

Although, I have found as a young mum that people judge me for that at clubs. They see themselves as having nothing in common with me because of my age they seem incapable of acknowledging that we all have children in common so will often meet up without me or my DP. Maybe prepare him for that if he does go to groups with the aim of making dad friends.

cornishgirl17 · 12/08/2017 20:13

When you say your son has your granddaughter most weekends, can't be alternate weekends with his ex so he gets every other weekend free to spend time doing what he wants with his friends, going out? It's a little unfair his ex has her weekends free and he doesn't...

This is coming from someone whos ex has our child for three hours a week... which isn't enough IMO but anyway...

Good luck!

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