Crushing loneliness

[sphinxster]

After several years living overseas we moved back to the uk over 6 months ago. It was the best decision for our children and for my DH's work and work-home balance.
However, we're 3 hours drive (on a good day) away from family and friends. I feel so lonely. I take them to various baby & toddler groups and chat away with other parents while we're there. I've exchanged numbers and invited people round for coffee and a play date - I keep it cool and don't act too desperately lonely. I haven't made a single friend and it's made me feel so low. I've never had problems making friends before but I've never had to make friends through children before! There's no other way to meet people at this stage. I joined MUSH. I get us all out of the house at least once a day but I'd just really like some adult company. I don't know how to solve this.

Yesterday, my DD was inconsolable with some unknown baby problem (teeth, colic, who knows) and I had to get DS's dinner cooked. I've always had friends I could call on to come and help, and I realised now I have no one. I know this isn't unusual but it hit home that I don't have a single friend here that I can even have a glass of wine with. It feels so lonely.

Sounds really tough, especially with a young baby. You should definitely keep up with the groups and inviting people for coffee, play dates, baby groups. We knew no-one when we moved to our new town before DD came along, no local family etc but have built up a good friendship group over the last couple of years. I'm an introvert and lack confidence so DD has been a god-send in terms of a reason to suggest exchanging numbers and meeting up with other mums. Hang in there xx

Can you do something in the evening when dh gets home? Join a bookclub or running group for adult company. Can your dm come to stay with you on and off? Its really tough but give it time. Try not to look too together as that puts people off.

That sounds pretty tough. I've been lucky and have managed to make friends with like-minded mum's, especially once Dd started school, we have a great community.

I agree with trying to join some adult things, such as a book group, or the WI. I think it might just be a case of joining loads of things, and once you've found your tribe dropping some. Are you politically minded - join local Lab/Con/LibDem/Greens? Volunteering?

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're so lonely. Loneliness is so heartbreaking, I've experienced it myself and know how hard it can be to make true friends with other mums.
Whereabouts are you? There are some local pages on here you could try? Have you met anyone through MUSH? x

I could have written your post myself...sort of. I'm American (but live in UK) so I literally have no one except my DH and 7 month old DS. I've joined mush and tried baby groups and gotten numbers but still don't have friends. I feel like I've tried and no one is interested in being friends. It's embarrassing so I've given up. The loneliness can be crushing some days. I feel your pain OP.

Ikabod I thought having kids would make it easier to meet people and less weird to invite people over for coffee but it's the opposite.. We've moved around quite a bit and I've never had this much trouble making friends.

June & River I guess trying to find groups like that might be the thing to do. I've never considered the WI - even my mum says she's not ready to hang out with old jam makers but she's got friends Both the kids are still quite small and after they're both in bed I'm usually shattered and have chores to do - but now I just sound like someone who isn't trying to help themselves.

My parents help out a lot and are brilliant but it's a huge drive and I'm not an only child and these aren't their only grandchildren. They're also quite active and have hobbies. So I don't want to demand too much from them. I just want a friend who lives around the corner that I can have a cup of tea with in the morning or a quick wine when the kids are in bed... Actually, I just don't want to feel so bloody isolated and alone.

Pjs it's the same old story "we must meet up" "ok, next week sometime?" "I can't do next week" "I'm taking the kids to X on Wednesday if you want to come along" "I can't do that day" etc etc ...

GodIsDead tried and no one is interested in being friends. It's embarrassing so I've given up. The loneliness can be crushing some days. This is exactly it. I sound like I'm being down and not helping myself but I feel like "what's the point". I would invite you over for coffee but you probably won't ever reply

Where are you OP?

Whereabouts do you live OP??

God, I sometimes feel I'm too old and not hip enough for our local WI! But I think it would be fun to join.

I agree about the evening tiredness but it might still be worth ditching the chores (or can you get a cleaner? Not in the evening I mean, but generally, to free up some time for you?) and going for it.

We're in Devon. So still a bit like living overseas!

There's no way we can get a cleaner right now and I'm so demotivated with the loneliness etc - it's a bit of a shitty cycle

Have PM'd you, OP.

OP i really feel for u it's so hard feeling lonely. When my first was born I had just moved to a new area (near my mum) and obviously stopped work I was lucky to have my mum but after a few weeks of only seeing my mum I was really fed up. I done the groups and tried to make friends but never really settled until I made 1 friend then it all just fell into place. It took me a year to settle really.

My best friend also moved to the other end of the country a few years ago and I think she was about a year to settle into it.

Give it time. I would also say if you have a mum friend who you think you could have a real friendship with tell her how lonely you feel sometimes you need to open up to make that connection.

I hear you - keep plugging away at the baby groups, I've also had a variety of responses to the swapping numbers, try not to let it get you down too much. From what I read on here it seem to be a bit like on line dating, looking for someone to click with, having to put a lot of feelers out to find that friend, rather than anything personal.

Mobile phones have made people a bit more cavalier about not responding imo. See all the kids birthday party threads here about RSVPs and the lack thereof.