Really cross with my MIL tonight ...

[bumbleweed]

My ILs looks after my 17m old dd one day a week while I am at work. She goes to a CM 2 days.

This week I have noticed on 2 occasions that dd hit her own hand and said 'NO' to herself while reaching for something she knows she was not supposed to have.

I was concerned because we never even so much as tap her on the hand, and wanted to check this hadnt happened in the other 2 settings.

I asked ILs if they ever tap dd on the hand when saying no about something and MIL's response was "No we have never had cause to". I was at this and replied "Surely there could never be a cause to do that" and went on to explain that although some people think a tap on the hand is okay, we consider it to be hitting and do not want it done to dd.

Obviously I was reassured when they said they hadnt done it but was really annoyed when she completely ignored what I had just said and a few sentences later repeated "we've never had any need to do anything like that". I again repeated I could not see any situation where there would be a need to hit any child, nevermind dd, and neither MIL nor FIL gave any acknowledgement but MIL just laughed and said "oh yeah we beat her dont we FIL!"

Am I right to think that if I try to discuss something I feel strongly about in terms of dd's welfare, I should get more respect back? Its the same with food issues, and it really frustrates me as I know its free childcare and have to be flexible to a degree but we are dd's parents.

Rant over.

Perhaps she was offended that you'd accused her of hitting your child? She could be being flippant to be polite ...

You've made your point re DD - if you trust them to look after her, fine. If you don't, move her. But you can't treat family in the same way as you would a paid carer IMO.

Ah but swizzler I didnt accuse her of hitting my child, I asked her if she had. That is totally different. And when she said she had not I replied "I was almost certain that would be the case, but I just wanted to make sure and I have asked my CM the same" We later went on to discuss possible explanations - like dd copying an older child at CM.

I cant just have a blanked "trust" which means I am not allowed any input into anything which happens when she is there!

"blanket" I meant

The trouble is that the older generation always bloody well know best, eh? She presumably would smack 'if necessary'. Did she smack DH when he was little? There's your answer. It looks as though you have to spell it out in words of one syllable. (Diplomatically, obviously) But you are the parent, not them, and they should be prepared to act as you would, in your absence.

Could you ask DD where she got it from?

Yes, cat I did ask and I hear what you are saying, but you are wrong. It is about the handtapping. There are other areas of their 'judgement' which I disagree with but let them go because in the scheme of things you are right, I have made the choice to leave dd with them. However, handtapping IMO is quite a serious issue and one which I had every right to raise with them and reassure myself. Surely we are adults and can have a conversation where they say that personally they dont think there is anything wrong with it but they hear that I do and respect that.

Wow your child is self-disciplining - saves you a job

I'd also ASK her where it came from - perhaps she's seen it on TV or something. If she says 'Grandma says she'll smack my wrist IF I don't stop' or 'Grandma taught me' then by all means go ballastic.

My MiL thinks drugging children is a good way to get them to behave! Seriously!

tearinghairout, she is only 17m, so no, but we now think she may have been copying an older child.

I do feel like I need to spell it out to them because until I hear them say that no they will never ever hit dd, I now do not feel comfortable

I already dont like that FIL shouts at her when she cries/fusses .... but I have let this go against my better judgement on the grounds that she will get used to the reality that relationships are different with different people and some people shout more and are less sympathetic than others

tinkerbell I wish I could , except I dont feel that, I feel