9 year old son saying we would be better off without him

[softygirl]

So my 9 year old is a deep thinker and worrier. His father and I separated over a year ago and are still going through a divorce process. STBXH is a serial cheat and imho terrible role model but still sees my two boys three times a week. He doesn't have them overnight, until recently he saw them in our family home and would stay one night a week there while I stayed out but I have stopped this recently (two weeks ago) as I felt it was having a negative impact all round.

My son needs some help with English and Maths as his school report said he wasn't meeting the standard so I've arranged for him to see a tutor twice a week in summer hols for some extra help. Haven't made a big deal of it, just told him he could do with some extra help and he agreed. I've told him he gets a £5 a week in his pocket money jar if he studies well. Separately messaged STBXH and told him about the tutor (he has seen copy of school report) and asked for a contribution to the cost. No response so far although he had the boys all day yesterday so I saw him on the doorstep morning and evening.

Last night son comes home very upset saying he is stupid and can't even add up 10+10. It's the first time he's seen his dad in nearly two weeks (we've been away then his dad was away with new gf). Son carries on saying he's stupid, he's no good at anything and we'd all be better off without him.

I know 9 years old is a scary time and they do get much more aware of failure and scary stuff going on in the world but it worries me that his dad may be influencing his self image. I gave him a long list of things he is good at but he more or less cried himself to sleep and although he seems fine this morning, he's spending all this week with his dad while I'm at work.

I guess there's not much I can do about it, just wanted to vent and ask for anyone else's experience, how did you cope with an ex-partner negatively impacting on your kids? I know STBXH considers maths his area of expertise and would have probably been testing the boys yesterday.

I help them both with reading and writing but I think a tutor who specifically knows the standards they are supposed to achieve would really help him. Maybe this is not about us being separated and only about son's worrying that he is not good enough? I just don't know what to do for the best.

I would find a qualified therapist for your son right now. He is clearly having a very difficult time and saying such self-hating things is very worrisome. He needs help.

I agree that it sounds as if your son needs professional help. Why not begin with your GP who could recommend someone?

go to your gp and tell them what he says. they take anxiety and suicidal thoughts seriously and will hopefully refer you bo camhs.

don't let it escalate - I'm going through similar with dd14 but she is now self harming.

*tell them what your ds said about you being better off without him

Yes therapy, not tutoring - sounds like this is the wrong time to be heaping more academic pressure on him. Focus on his emotional wellbeing/intelligence/resilience for now - all of that is just as important for future career success anyway, if not more important.

I really hope your son starts feeling better soon bless him, but I would recommend finding a professional for him to talk to. I had issues as a child (different reasons), but I started self harming from around 11 and I remember having these thoughts from a very young age indeed. Sadly no one acted on what was childhood depression for me and I've suffered mentally ever since and have a range of diagnosis that could've all be avoided (I'm 22 now)
All the best to your family, you sound like a good mummy so I'm sure you can get through this together xx

Thanks all, I was hoping to hear it's just a phase but I'm a medical secretary so I know how seriously GPs take these sorts of thoughts. I will look into a therapist, rest of school report is fine and teacher says he is bright bubbly and funny at school.

My heart is breaking for both my boys. My younger son told me the other day that the house will be taken away if we don't pay the mortgage (I've never said anything like that to him).

I've made him an appointment. I have asked both of them if they'd like to talk to someone and they've said no, but I'm seeing a therapist and it's helping me a lot. Horrible to think I may have done this to my baby!

I wouldn't make pocket money conditional on doing well at tutoring. Id take it away if he was deliberately naughty in his tutoring sessions but i think id give him the £5 to say well done for putting the effort in.

You dont know for sure his dad has caused his recent comments though do you? So id be careful with that.

Absolutely, it's a well done amount, no threat to take it away and he will try I know he will.

I've asked his dad if he ever sees anything emotional from the two of them but apparently they don't do this with him. Although he's a rubbish role model (weed smoker and heavy drinker, rude to people, sense of entitlement, very materialistic) he loves his kids and is always there when he's supposed to be.

I don't know what he's saying to them or not saying, when we were together I would be the buffer for his more extreme views (he's a Tory voter, quite harsh in his view of people - they are all stupid until they prove otherwise, where I'm an idealistic naive Corbynite who thinks people are intrinsically good).

I was really dramatic when I was his age, I remember coming downstairs telling my mum I thought my heart was about to stop beating and I was always worrying about something happening to my parents. I don't remember being so down on myself though. I was very emotionally attached to my mum, I would be in pieces if she was upset so I'm trying hard not to be upset in front of him but it's hard, I don't naturally hold things in.

Oh and another comment from younger son this week - while watching Bambi - "Bambi's mum died because she was weak!" WTF?