Step Daughter Trouble

[Mummytime12345]

Hi

I really don't know what to do, I have issues with my stepdaughter who I used to get on with but now I'm starting to see her in a different light. She's 25 years old and my partner is a lot older than me, we have 2 young kids together. I have noticed that she was being clever to get everything she wanted when she was here. She would say how she didn't like something so I would go out of my way and accommodate her then months later or so she would eat or drink that something that she said she didn't like. I feel like she has me on the run around.

Then recently we bought her on holiday with us and she was siding with her dad about going to the beach to get what she wanted as they both enjoyed the beach.

Recently I have had major issues with my family (nothing new there) I allowed her to attend my family functions because I wanted her to be part of things and make her feel part of the family, big mistake as now I have asked her to take my family off her Facebook to help stop my family trying to use her as a weapon to hurt me. She totally refused to take them off and said it makes her look a bad person, yet she knows how badly my family have treated me over the years and she won't help me feel better by removing them. She promises to not talk to them or like their stuff but don't want things to be awkward by removing them. I don't see how ignoring will be any better than removing them off Facebook!

Forget Facebook. It's all bullshit and is the cause of so many relationship issues. Delete your account, don't get involved in other people's accounts and certainly don't expect to have any say over who your DSD has on hers. I understand that it's awkward, but honestly this makes you sound a little bit crazy and won't do you any favours sorry.

she was siding with her dad about going to the beach to get what she wanted as they both enjoyed the beach I don't really understand what is wrong with this? They both like the beach and wanted to go to the beach on holiday? TBH taking a grown up child on your family holiday seems a bit strange but once she's there, spending a bit of time with her dad sounds fair enough.

I think there is probably more going ok in the background which is colouring your view of the situation, which I do understand, but these incidents alone don't stack up to a huge issue. Can you say anymore about the problems that have led you to these feelings?

*going on

The food thing isnt really an issue is it? She maybe just fancied something else and made up an excuse as to why she didnt want to eat or drink the other thing.

She 'sided' with her dad because they both enjoy the beach.

You took her to family functions so she would feel part of your family, she has built a relationship based on your actions and now you've fallen out with them you expect her to as well? She is probably thinking you'll all start talking again soon.

You can't tell a grown woman who she can have or what she can comment or like on her own Facebook though

Unless there is one hell of a back story here I honestly can't see an issue. Is there anything else going on?

Great user name

Incurious How old you are OP?

Also, not sure parenting is the best to post on.

I'm 32 and I have had a hell of a time with my family, they caused me lots of anxiety and insecurities which are really not nice. I don't want her to talk to my family because they use her to play mind games and rub my nose in things which really hurts.

She hasn't worked ever! She has a social anxiety herself but won't help herself she just lives off her mum and every month we see her we pay for everything which I don't agree which as she's been at uni for about 3 years and it just feels wrong in supporting her still!

I really have tried with her and I feel like I get hardly anything back from her, she gives the impression I am not so important and her dad and my kids are important which really hurts

I literally give her everything, I pick her up every month, drive her like 1.5 hours to our house, I invite her to our holidays, days out and kids bdays, We pay for everything, I just feel a bit like I am getting nothing back in return, and when I ask her to take my family off Facebook she just says she doesn't want to take sides when I feel she should be loyal to me.

I get it that you can't make someone do something but sometimes it hurts when people don't choose to do things off their own back and show loyalty and care. And with my background I am used to people treating me this way (no care or loyalty) so I guess when ppl treat me like this I get really hurt and I guess all I want to do is keep them outa my life to prevent further disappointment and pain.

she gives the impression I am not so important and her dad and my kids are important which really hurts

You give the impression that you are quite needy, I'm afraid. I'm sorry to be blunt, but of course you're never going to be as important to her as her dad and her half siblings. You should be pleased that they have a good relationship. I think perhaps the small age gap between you is relevant here.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be able to have a good relationship with her too, and of course there's no excuse for her to be unpleasant, but it doesn't sound from your op as though that is the case? You appear to change the goalposts - encouraging her to bond with your family one minute, then expecting her to cut off all contact the next. You simply can't dictate to other people where you think their loyalties should lie. Can't you see the irony of accusing your dsd of wanting everything her own way, when you seem to be doing exactly the same thing?

I am not at all needy, I just feel a little upset at her for not being so loyal, and totally like that she has a relationship with my kids but on the other hand I feel a little appreciation and loyalty should be expected, not asking much considering I give her everything!

And it's quite hurtful when you feel the odd one out! People feel this way

I can say where I feel ppls loyalties should lie especially when you do everything for the person, you expect some respect for what you're doing for them