Is DH taking the piss?

[SureJan]

I gave birth 3 weeks ago. DH has been great on the whole, but he went back to work this week & I don't know if it's just me being hormonal & sensitive, but he seems to have lost interest in the baby already!

His first day back at work & an hour before he was due home he text to ask if he could go & do his hobby straight after work, meaning he'd be home later. I said yes because I don't want to tell him what he can/can't do, but I was really surprised that a) he wanted to go & do his hobby rather than come home asap & see his baby that I thought he would have missed like mad, and b) that he'd even asked, given that I had been at home all day with the baby all by myself, for the first time ever.

Obviously it's fine for his hobby to continue eventually, but I thought he'd have given it at least a week, maybe, before trying to resume his normal life/routine. It makes me feel that this is a sign of things to come, he's going to act like the baby doesn't affect his life whatsoever & he can continue doing the stuff he always did with no thought for me or the baby, who's looking after the baby etc.

In comparison, I know my life has changed completely forever - at the moment I can't imagine my life ever going back to any sort of normalcy where I take time to do my hobbies & have time to myself. And that's fine, because I was fully prepared for my life to suddenly revolve around baby & that's what I want it to be like. I guess I'm just upset that he doesn't feel the same.

I'd let it go if it was just that 1 incident so far & just put it down to him being a bit thoughtless. But he wants to go out this weekend with his mates, & sounds like if he goes he'll be out of action baby-wise for the whole 2 days (out all day til late on Saturday, rough on Sunday) - again, I'm disappointed that despite the fact he's been at work all week & hardly seen his baby, he'd rather spend his time away from us!

He's been moaning about how tired he is, but seems he feels absolutely fine when he's doing something he wants to do!

I'm not saying he can never go out or have 'me-time' ever again, just surprised he's expecting it so soon.

Should I be worried?

Also, I've not really raised any of this with him - I don't want to hurt him by saying "I'm surprised/worried you don't want to spend more time with baby", as I know he'll feel guilty about it. I want him to just WANT to be with us, IYSWIM, not be forced by me.

Or should I not be a martyr & just tell him how I feel, basically say to him oi, this isn't good enough!?

I can't spend the rest of my life doing everything myself whilst he does whatever he wants!

yanbu, it's definitely thoughtless. I would say to him just as you have on here that you don't want to stop him from doing things but that you both have to make adjustments to support each other and the baby. Doing hobby is generally a good thing as long as it doesn't take over his time / energy outside work, seeing friends is also important but if he can't do that without it effectively taking a whole weekend now just isn't the time to do it. I'd just tell him you're worried about being on your own and need his support at weekends to get a break yourself. Good luck.

You need to tell him that you need him around more, and that it can be very lonely looking after a baby by yourself. He needs to reset his expectations of what he does with his time.

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely talk to him & see how it goes down - I know he will understand my point of view & will hopefully adjust accordingly, but in all honesty I don't think he was prepared for what having a baby is like, & I'm scared he's going to resent it.

I also feel a bit guilty that I'm already moaning & whining about finding it hard without him being around, it's only been a week on my own with baby!

Hopefully he responds well. If so it may be worth coming up to an arrangement where he does still do his hobby at a certain time. It might help keep him sane and focused.

In the end why should your life change 100% and his only a tiny bit? You have a baby together! Be honest otherwise you will grow to resent him.

That's shocking! If he's like this at such an early stage, it's not going to get any better unless you tackle it.

Tell him how you feel. Not so much in the "I'm surprised you didn't want to spend time with your baby" vein because it's really easy to feel a bit cut off at work. But more in the way of helping him understand that you've been at home looking after the baby, you're still recovering from the birth and could really do with more interest and care from him. It's not acceptable for him to be out of action for most of the weekend, especially if he's then going back to work (and more hobby time I assume?) on Monday-Friday.

Good luck. I had several rows with DH about this when DS1 was born and he stepped up. It helped that I had to leave him with 5 month old DS1 in an emergency and it suddenly clicked how hard my life had been until then.

If you can why don't you arrange for him to spend some time alone with the baby. This will give him an idea of what life is really going to be like for you and also that if he gets time to do hobbies etc then so do you.

He will need to be thrown in at the deep end just like you are to understand just how stressful it can be.

I would let the hobby after work go but would not be happy about a night out meaning he is out of action for 2 days. A night out is fine as long as it is just a night out and not a weekend.

I would deal with it now rather than let him get into a comfy routine and then have to break it.

I am surprised you did not discuss the adjustments that you would both need to make before your child was born.
Stop making excuses for DH he is being utterly selfish. Its his child too. So tell him how you feel and discuss your expectations.

Thanks everyone, I'm definitely going to speak to him when he comes home from work & tell him how I'm feeling. I hate complaining & I like to show that I'm fine/managing well at all times, but you're right, I'm just going to resent him if I don't speak up.

I think he'll be fine & will take it on board. He really is great, just this weekend is something he had planned for ages prior to baby being born, & I naievely said yes of course you can go, no problem - without having a clue at the time how hard it is to look after a newborn alone!

I'd really rather he didn't go & I'll tell him so - it's too soon, I'm not ready, & I want to spend time together as a family. I really want him to choose us rather than mates & nights out.

We discussed adjustments that we'd both need to make for baby, but I'll admit we didn't have a clue what having a baby really entailed, as ridiculous as that sounds. It's been a bit of a shock to the system & taking some getting used to, although I'm absolutely loving being a mummy. I just hope DH isn't secretly hating every moment!

How did the talk go? FWIW my opinion is that he was being a thoughtless, selfish arse and you're being far too soft.

The talk went well. I told him I didn't want him to go today & explained why, & he was fine, he's not going. He said he'd been having second thoughts about it anyway, not sure how true that is but at least he's realised he should be at home & I've got the result I wanted!

I told him that while me & baby have had a nice week just us together I've found it hard work & need support from him at the weekends, so that I'm not doing like 12 day stretches of just me & baby. He said he understood & that he'd missed us, & that we'd prioritise family time at weekends.

We're going to look at a bit of a schedule for time to ourselves/hobbies etc.

Hopefully he's got the message & we'll see how it goes!

Glad the talk went well op! How we work it in our house (DD 8months) is if DP goes out for the day with friends to the pub etc, he knows he still has to be involved the next day regardless of how rough he is, and the following weekend I get the same amount of time.

So for example, last weekend he was out at the football etc on Saturday 12-8. So today I'm baby duty free for the same amount of time .

Might not work for everyone, but it does for us!

We do the same if one of us gets a child free day the other gets one the next weekend. It stops me feeling resentful.

I remember the early days we'll and by 6 o clock I'd be watching the clock waiting for OH to come home and help out. It's a long long day at home.

You need to nip this in the bud. In my experience men teach themselves that they're allowed to do all of these things and baby work is up to you, the woman.
If from the beginning it's seen as both of your job things will be better, I promise you! If he's going out on Saturday. I'd say that's fine but I'm going out the Saturday after and you better expect I'll be out of action all of Sunday too ! Even if you're not going to do that it sets a precedent and means he'll realise whatever he does, you can also do
Congrats on your baby !

Glad the talk went well and hope things do improve! My DH was also a bit useless when DD was born and didn't seem too bothered about spending time with her. Although he never said this, I think it took a while for them to bond and it's only when she got a bit older (now 6 months) that she was a bit more engaged with the world and not bf constantly that he properly started enjoying spending time with her. Now he has her on his own for a bit every day (shift work) even if it's 30 mins while I have a bath or something. I really wish we'd started doing this earlier as I think it has been really helpful for all 3 of us. Maybe something to consider?

I agree that if he gets me-time I should (& will) get it too in equal measure, & we've sorted out a bit of a schedule for this. I feel awful for bartering with him about getting time away from our baby, but it has to be done or I'll go mad!

It was absolute bliss this morning to be able to get up & have a nice long shower & actually wash my hair for the 1st time all week, whilst DH looked after the baby. I think the fact that such a simple thing meant so much to me made him realise that being a stay at home mum isn't all lounging around watching telly all day!

We've had a lovely day all together so I'm really happy.