Letting DD live with my DM.

[EastMidsMumOf1]

Brief backstory - me and dd moved in with my mum 2013 due to being given notice of repossesion from LL. After just coming out of a DV relationship with her dad, on top of a CSE court case and MH issues it was advised by SS that I lived w/ DM until things were abit more stable. I started working long hours as I wasnt coping, my mum suffers with MH, which makes us clash alot so overall I was just wanting to escape. Beginning of 2015 my DM decided she wanted me gone but offered to keep DD until I found suitable accomdation. The first few months I was in a hostel then a shared house but still working around 65 hours a week, I barely saw DD and even when I did I wasnt ^really^ there mentally. I moved in to my current house at the end of 2015 and worked myself into a breakdown, I left my job and started therapy and medication to start recovering. Beginning of 2016 DD started staying with me 3 nights a week, since then we have had endless problems, she really hates staying here and me, she will ask me to have another baby so that she can go back to her Nans and I can love the new baby instead is it wrong to force her to live w/ me, when I know deep down shes so desperately sad about it? She starts primary school in Septmeber which is when she is supposed to be living w/ me full time, she has so many changes going on and must feel like her little worlds being turned upside down. I dont want her to feel like Ive just given up or that shes not wanted but at the same time, I just want her to be happy and hopefully, one day, know that I didnt just "dump" her and did it for all the best intentions. Does letting her choose who she lives sound like too much pressure to put on a 4YO? Im really stuck between a rock and a bad place right now..

*who she lives with

That's south a sad post. You and her really need some support I think. But no, your DD isn't better off living with her gran. And you shouldn't be asking her to choose.

When I started reading your post, I thought she was a teenager by the way you were talking about her. She's a baby and she needs her mum

Such, not south

She is your child, your Mum and you don't get on.. break the cycle, love your daughter with all your heart and have her live with you.

Allow her to have a Grandmother relationship with your Mum if your Mum will allow that to happen. Take all the help you can get to help you both through this...

Could you do it gradually so it's a natural progression. Maybe stay with one night a week and make it really lovely- bake, have a craft or film night, play, build dens and build the amount of time she stays slowly. I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time. If it's any consolation I think most 4 year olds are obsessed with their grandparents, mine certainly is.

I think if your daughter is genuinely sad at the thought at staying with you full time then I would let her stay with her nan.

After the amount of time she has spent with her nan it's natural she is like that with her. She has only known her nan's house as her home.

Maybe start slowly and focus on building a bond back up between you and your daughter rather than focusing on her living with you full time.

I definitely don't think you should give her a choice- she's your little girl and belongs with you. It will take her time to adjust if she's mainly been around her grandmother. Try to get some quality time with her and do nice things with her when she is with you.

She is a very young child who has formed an attachment to her grandmother after her early years of trauma and rejection. That's not a criticism of you, by the way - you were in a bad place, but that was the impact on her. Being with her grandmother made her feel safe and secure for the first time in her very young life.

I don't think that a 4 year old is old enough to choose who they live with, as long as they are safe and well cared for, but I also don't think that her understandable extreme emotional and psychological vulnerability should be ignored.

It sounds like you are getting professional support. She needs some too.

I really really don't think that you should reject her again. I know that's not your motivation, that you want what's best for her, but I think you should move heaven and earth to prove to her that she is loved and wanted and that she can trust you and rely on you and that you will never abandon her.

Get professional help and never give up. Good luck

We have tried the gradual approach, first just days together then her returning to Nans in the evening, then we did 1 day/night a week, then eventually 3. I know alot of children her age are very GP obsessed but as shes my only child I have nothing to compare it to, so it feels like more of a reflection of my errors IYSWIM. Me and my dm have a really strong relationship but when we live together our MH issues clash, she will get frustrated that she cant "baby me" and doesnt realise Im an adult now, albeit a young adult (23).
I knew deep down it wouldnt be all plain sailing with getting DD to live w/ me, as pp said its all shes known but its reeeeally hard .
My DM is torn up over it too as DD will ask her "why does mummy want to keep me?" I just feel really selfish and that Im basically telling DD she has no say/control on what she wants to do in her life. We requested a referal to CAMHS but its a nightmare trying to get one from gp so we are looking into private family mediation as well.

Speak to your health visitor, GP, the school even... they might be able to get you some support.

Oh OP it all sounds so hard! Are social work involved? Can they help in any way? You must have been barely 20 when you were in the hostel, having already escaped a violent relationship, you've had such a lot to handle.
Have you spoken to your dd about why she wants to stay at your mum's? There might be little things you can do- bring her furniture (e.g. Bed and sheets), have exactly the same bedtime routine, her fave snacks (within reason...)

Not involved as in regular visits but we are still on the system and have an agreement for living arrangements, for example, if I was to rekindle the relationship with her dad they would submit a CAF. The only thing they keep recommending is a Positive Parenting course but its group meetings and I wouldnt be able to benefit from it as much as Id like, with my aspergers it can take me a while to process information and Id be using all my mental energy on my social skills instead of focusing on the actual course.
When I ask dd why she wants to stay there she just tells me its because she misses her Nan and that Nan will be missing her too. What makes it harder is when shes here its so lovely, she seems relaxed and happy but we get to the 3rd day and shes pining to go back.

Oh but that sounds quite positive- just maybe not quite ready to go up to the next step this week. So another week or two of three days, and then go to four-but with something really nice planned for day four, for her to look forward to.
Also maybe talk about how it's ok to miss people, (perhaps there is someone you miss you could talk about too- saying something like "yes, I miss nan too, she's so cuddly! It's sad when you want to see someone but they are not there. Let's have a little cuddle" - and listen to what she says without reacting ok much). Perhaps the two of you can ring nan to say hello, or even make her a lovely picture- even send her a postcard (my four year old loves the post..).
I've found laura markham' book and website really helpful in getting

Oops posted too soon- getting through tricky emotional patches, I was going to say.

Also "reacting too much " not "ok much"...