Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

? Do I have another baby or not ?

21 replies

smudgy · 27/03/2007 22:44

This is my first time of using this so please bear with me. I have one DD 18months, she is a dream and I really enjoy her. I have always had in my mind I would have 2 children but after having 2 miscarriages and having had the experience of motherhood for real (not just the thought) I don't know if I do want a second child. I have allsorts of concerns over whether it will upset the wonderful balance I have at the moment. I also don't know how I would cope with two children. However I do want for my DD to have a brother or sister to play with. I am so confused and don't want to regret a decision I make now later.....I'm 37 so I don't feel I can hang around forever to make this decision. Any thoughts or help...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 27/03/2007 22:46

if you have another baby then however stressed you get, however difficult it may get at moments there will always be a beautiful child to hold onto and make you forget all the hard times,

if you dont you will always live with 'what if' in the back of your mind, and possibly regret it

hairymclary · 27/03/2007 22:48

smudgy I felt exactly like you for ages. I also had miscarriages, and then the absolute blessing of having DS who is now 2.
I always thought I'd like a small age gap, but it never felt right. I worried about ruining what I have with ds and not loving another baby as much as I love him.
Now I am pg again, because suddenly it felt right. I now look forward to him having a sibling to play with and look at the positives.

If you aren't sure about it then don't do it. When you're ready for number 2 you will know about it.
and you're only 37! you've still got time

manicmama · 27/03/2007 22:48

I think the fact that you are asking on here means that you are thinking about number 2. If you are thinking about number 2 then you probably want number 2.

I only say this because I had 2, then 3 miscarriages and almost gave the whole thing up. Number 3 due any day now and scared but excited.

You are more likely to regret not trying again than trying.

PS I am quite opinionated!

Good luck with your decision.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
smudgy · 27/03/2007 23:01

Thank you, I am a bit of a control freak and I guess because I have just started to get some sleep back into my life I guess my selfish side is coming out. People say that one child is manageble and that more that then starts to get hard. Is it selfish of me to want to maybe stop at one child because I feel my maternal instincts have been filled?

OP posts:
ucm · 27/03/2007 23:19

Hi I have just had another one, and she wasn't planned. I am 37 too if this helps. It's definitely harder, keeping my 3 year old DS off of her is hard. The play with bit only lasts whilst they are very young really. They will grow up and be independent of each other one day

I have had negative thoughts about this after DD was born, simply because DS is feeling really pushed out. I know this because the minute I pick up the baby, he is on me. It's really hard & sad, but it's not going to kill him FFS. I was really surprised as my DS was a perfect baby, didn't cry much, fed & watered when expected too. In fact I found it all very boring as he was so on time/consistent. My DD isn't as I am finding out very quickly and I GENUINELY didn't think it would be this hard.

ucm · 27/03/2007 23:22

I should have added, there will NEVER EVER be a right time to have a second baby unless you are rich and have nannies. That is set in stone

Frizbe · 27/03/2007 23:24

so true UCM!

I've got 2, dd1 is 3.5 and dd2 just turned 1, its not a bad gap, there was a bit of jealousy to start with, but they're starting to play with each other a bit more now dd2 is up and walking I recommend pre school for the elder one, or nursery a few days a week, just to give you a spot of time with the younger one. It works wonders here!

Original poster
smudgy · 27/03/2007 23:25

Hi UCM

Thanks for being so honest

You are right about the playing togther only when they are young, my brother and I are not close at all. At the moment I can give my dd all the energy I have and still have more at the end of the day for my dh and me! I just don't know if I have it in me to do more. I want other things out of life aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudgy · 27/03/2007 23:29

Hi Frizbe

Another dilema I have is that my dh would really like another one and is offering me nanny support if I want it.....

OP posts:
ucm · 27/03/2007 23:59

OOOOO hard one, he is offering you a NANNY!!! You should be so bleeding lucky

It's true, it is very hard after the fluffiness has worn off. Infact, washing so many more clothes is a nightmare. Our tumble dryer broke down recently and it gave me a panic attack

Nothing more to add really, but if you have help it will be dead easy. To be honest, I have, for a good while, after dd was born
, my DS still went to his childminder as I have to pay her (on mat leave) and she takes him out, whereas I couldn't. He still goes 3 days a week but only because my childminder enjoys taking him to toddler/surestart groups and I am not sure that I could be bothered at the moment.

jambot · 04/04/2007 04:19

Smudgy. I'm also experiencing the same at the moment. My DD is 2 and I am 37. I also don't know if I want another child. I love my daughter dearly, but my heart just isn't into the thought of another child. Going through lots of emotions at the moment, but I suppose the main one is that I'm feeling guilty for feeling this way. I am asked constantly when we are having another child, and when I say that I'm not sure if we will, the reaction is always negative. I'm made to feel that we will seriously deprive our daughter if she doesn't have a brother or sister. I am an only child and have never known what it's like to have a sibling, but I don't think that I suffered unduly because of it. The whole issue is really stressing me out because my age means I can't put off the decision for ever.
SO, know how you feel. How does your DH/DP feel?

alipiggie · 04/04/2007 04:43

I had ds1 aged 36 and ds2 18mnths later. Now that was hard work, but now, it's a breeze. I'm an only child and although I had a wonderful life and never felt lonely I would have loved a sibling.

So we made the decision to have 2 close together and I don't regret it one little bit. In fact I would love to have had more, but in my current personal situation I'm glad I haven't but hey - never say never.

Follow your own instincts. Whatever feels right for you is what you should do.

twentypence · 04/04/2007 05:27

I have one lovely 4 year old ds and no plans for any more. However if dh wanted more and was offering a nanny I would do it like a shot.

A couple of the many reasons I don't want another are that neither does dh and I feel I have a lovely balance of child, work and that dh and I have little enough time together as it is. (I also have lots of positive reasons as well, but none are relevant to this).

How actively involved is your dh? Is offering a nanny his way of getting around doing bugger all, or is he really good?

slim22 · 04/04/2007 08:26

hi,
I'd like to comment on twentypence's final sentence.
My best friend had same dilemna as U.She very happy at work and was never going to be a stay at home mum but wanted DS to have a sibling (to take guilt off her shoulders???? whatever!)
So DH suggested investing in weekend nanny as well.Great, verybody should be happy!
They now have second child and nanny 7 days a week.She miserable because DH doesn't do F* all with the kids. He feels they had a nice balance with one and completely overwhelmed with 2 constantly Playing/running/screaming in the house.
She loves both her kids to bits but finds it really hard to cope with regards to the strain it has put on her relationship.

skidaddle · 04/04/2007 09:11

Hi smudgy
I am just pg with my second (4 wks, dd is 17 months) and although I am a wee spring chicken at 33 I feel like I understand your situation well - I also completely adore my dd who is an absolute angel and love how we are as a family. I am also worried having another might upset the balance but more than anything I want dd to have a little brother or sister and for them to have her.
Someone on mnet (can't remember who) wrote once that there's nothing more beautiful than seeing a child that you love more than anything in the world love his/her little brother/sister. I just love the idea of dd and her sibling having each other for their whole lives once me and dp are gone. For me at least, this outweighs any oher worries I might have about having no.2.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

dionnelorraine · 04/04/2007 09:30

Tricky.
Dont have another baby just so your dd can have someone to play with. i grew up as an only child and I was fine, I made friends a school etc...
You still have a little time before making this decision so think for a little while longer. Im waiting til my dd is 3 to try for the next one, I feel it would be easier for me that way.
As some people have said you dont want to miss out on having another and then think what if.
Tough decision honey so dont rush it.

PetitFilou1 · 04/04/2007 09:56

Smudgy You will feel guilty if you don't have another one and you will probably still feel guilty if you do (but for other reasons!) That is the joy of being a mother I am almost 35 and have ds 3 and dd 19 months. The first year with that close a gap was very hard and my personal experience is that two is more than twice the work (which is what my mother said to me) Having said that, I'd still like another. Seeing them running around falling over each other and laughing at times makes it all worthwhile. But....I am struggling with the idea of the first year and the sleep deprivation all over again. Still haven't decided for sure. I don't think you sound ready to go ahead with a decision - yet - but I think if you are still talking about babies you may not have finished having them yet. But don't beat yourself up either way, the decision you make has to be the right one for you, not someone else.

2cheekymonkeys · 04/04/2007 23:17

I've found it is really hard work having two but the other day my ds1 said to me: 'ds2 is my best friend, i love him so much" and they gave each other a big hug and a kiss and i hear them chatting and singing together after I've put them to bed, and i thought that's what having a sibling is all about. Also, they'll play cars togehter for ages and i can read the paper. Hurrah!

JodieG1 · 04/04/2007 23:24

I have 3 dc's. I had dd and then 4 miscarriages, then had ds1 and then another miscarriage, I ow also have ds2. Dd is 5.1, ds1 3.5 and ds2 12 weeks tomorrow. I still have time for me and dh, last week we had sex every night the whole week

I'm a stay at home mum and dd went straight to school last year with a small time at pre-school before, ds1 has just started pre-school a couple of weeks ago and it's been just fine most of the time.

There isn't always time for everything but I put the household tasks on hold until after I've seen to the children and been there for them and everything else is secondary.

JodieG1 · 04/04/2007 23:26

Forgot to say that I was pregnant when dd was 3 months old but we lost that baby and were trying constantly after that. I got pregnant very quickly but just couldn't hold onto them, we didn't leave any time before tyring again either.

Aloha · 04/04/2007 23:43

I had my first at 38 and second at 41 so tend to think 37 is quite young! I love having two because they play together. Tonight's game was 'chase the bad penguin' (???) but they were having a lot of fun. They also absolutely love each other, which is hugely rewarding to see. But it has to be your decision for your family. Nothing wrong with having one child, and there are clear advantages, but for me, seeing the sibling bond is lovely. It is harder, of course, but there are times when they just entertain each other and I can read the paper and eat their chips!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread