I'm not coping very well

[OuchBollocks]

DD (3) is challenging. Sweet, funny, kind to the baby, I love her to bits, but challenging. Speech disordered (not delayed, she knows the words but they all come out wrong), exceptionally picky eater, exceptionally stubborn (hurt her mouth so didn't eat or drink anything for almost four days, ended up in hospital on a drip), takes hours to get to sleep though in fairness sleeps well when she finally settles, doesn't listen to a word I say, apparently has attention issues at nursery, trying to toilet train her is a nightmare because she just won't. Don't even get me started on trying to do her hair. The baby is easy enough as far as babies go, but he's not quite 5 months old so needs holding, feeding (he's ebf), changing, settling for naps etc.

I'm just not coping. Neither child is getting the attention they deserve. DD is watching too much tv, the baby keeps getting dumped on the playmate or highchair. When the baby cries it sets my teeth on edge, it enraged me. I don't have the patience with DD doing normal annoying 3 year old stuff that I should. Plus my house is desperately inneed of a good clean, I'm just about managing the basics. We do get out every day and it's a lot easier out of the house but we have to go home at some point!

DH is pretty good but he works shifts and there's nobody else around. I'm knackered and struggling and Tbh I want to sleep and cry.

Bedtime is coming up :( I think I need to get a mouthguard, I keep catching myself grinding my teeth even in my sleep

Ouch not sure I have much advice but and / as appropriate for you. I have DD's 2.5 yo and 4mo and it can be SO hard to keep from losing it at times. Like you I am ebf DD2 and a lot of times have resorted to cbeebies whilst feeding or settling the baby. I do feel guilty most of the at times but have genuinely found lowering my standards and repeating the mantra 'everybody fed, nobody dead' as my goal for the end of each day has helped. What you have given DD in a sibling long term will far outweigh this short (in the grand scheme of things) time where things are a bit all over the place. Do you get any time with just you and the baby? The thing that massively saves my sanity is knowing I have weds and Thurs to not go through the usual nap battle rigmarole focus on the baby. I am confident you are doing a much better job that you think. The fact that you are even worrying about this shows how much you care for a start. I know it can be awful and in the moment feels like this is how life is going to be forever now but this too shall pass. Oh and one final tip I have a folder of photos of when DD1 is being adorable with DD2 to remind me of the good bits at times when it is really tough.

Thanks penguin.

I had time with the baby during term time when she was at preschool but not in the holidays.

She's totally refusing to go near the toilet. I'm tired and my jaw hurts from grinding.

I think your probably coping better than you think. I remember when my two were little and i started to think if they were in bed, fed and ok by sometime in the evening then I was doing ok!.

I've got a challenging (nightmare) 4dd. Just gone 4 and my word she's something else in terms of personality and determination. She certainly makes herself know!

It's very stressful, tiring and isolating having young children. Can you get any time on your own? If not places like soft play, baby groups etc are a must. It's actually quite common to be tearing your hair out with kids it's just few are willing to admit it.

Pause the Tv for a 'try on the potty' moment. .
Not willing to at least sit and try =no TV in my house. .
Ds uses it without promting after just a week. .

So sorry you're struggling OP.

Are there any play groups you can get DD in to keep her in some routine?
Can you afford a cleaner for even a few hours a week?.
Are you getting any time away from both? I know baby is ebf but even an hour on CH's day off? A walk. A coffee. A sit in the garden wotg the door locked from the outside.

Could something like Home Start help?
Please speak to your HV if you have no other RL support x

I'd also quit the toilet training until she's ready. Feed her what she'll eat, don't fight over it she'll get bored eventually. I speak from experience DS was a nightmare for food and lived on cheese sandwiches for months! My DD hated getting her hair brushed. I got a natural hair brush from to maxx which doesn't hurt her when doing knots. Got her to chose her own bobbles and made a huge fuss of her when she let me do her hair I ignored the rest.

Don't argue with your 3 year old, pick your battles! Enforce none violence, basic manners etc. Let the rest go for now.

My experience with potty training was that the more stubborn the DC, the better it is to just back off. Generally, once the pressure is off (and once they see that all their little friends are out of nappies), they do, at some point, deign to potty train - and the older they are the quicker it is. Nappies for 3-year-olds are annoying and stinky, I know, and grandparents often like to have a dig about it, but it's preferable to a battle several times a day. So for your sanity and to just get through the summer without unnecessary battles, I would back off for now.

As for everything else, baby + toddler is a hard combo and I found it challenging too - but it WILL end at some point - so the important thing is to just muddle through until then. Presumably your DH is home a couple of days a week, so send him to the local playground with the kids for an hour so you can get some housework done. It's so much faster to race round when there is no one underfoot, interrupting you.

As for attention, try not to worry too much. They will survive and thrive - they're tough little things and you still have to care for yourself and the home - they really don't need your undivided attention for 12 hours a day. Cut yourself a bit of slack.