Really struggling

[Extua]

Just that really. I'm struggling. I'm finding it really hard to keep my temper with DS1, who is 2. He is a wonderful little boy, he's just a normal 2 year old (I think) - in that every time I say no, to anything, he will scream and scream. DS2 is only 6 weeks old and if he is asleep when DS1 screams I find it even more stressful. The thing that is scaring me is he makes me feel so angry. This never used to happen. Sure I'd feel annoyed sometimes but since DS2 was born it's like a rage. I know how I need to manage these feelings, I know how I need to react to make him feel better. I know he is finding the change of having a brother hard and that I need to react with love and empathy, and I know that when I do react that way the screaming stops much sooner. But the temptation just to shout at him and storm around feels almost irresistible when I feel that angry. And when I'm feeling like that I know that responding angrily will make it worse, make it last longer and set me up for it happening more in the day ahead. And yet I do it anyway.

I try and pick my battles and remind myself when I need to say no and when I don't, but obviously sometimes I have to of course. Because this is new behaviour from me he just looks terrified and I feel like an awful parent. Just now I shouted at him and slammed a door. He was only half dressed and I put his trousers on really roughly. He's crying and I'm telling him to stop (what's wrong with me. He's 2) and then even after that he just wants to snuggle up to me. I apologised and cuddled him but the baby is in the sling because he cannot be put down so it doesn't feel like a proper cuddle. Then baby wakes up and needs feeding so DS1 needs to sit aside. Again. And he does, so nicely, and carries on eating his breakfast. And I just want to bawl now I feel so shit and guilty for not being the parent I should be - but that would freak DS1 out even more.

We go out each day but I'm on edge then too. Baby has a suspected tongue tie but is gaining weight so it have someone look at it is a wait. It means I find bf harder this time and don't really like feeding in public as he's on and off and milk leaks everywhere. So that doesn't help.

I know outwardly I look like everything is fine. And I don't want to talk to anyone about it. OH never really gets angry about anything and doesn't get it, even if I give a soft edited version of how I've been he doesn't get it and doesn't offer any sympathy just "well you need to sort it out" type of response, which is right but not really helpful - I know I do and I say that. He looks at me like I'm this horrible angry person when I don't think I am normally. But then maybe I'm sensitive, my dad was violent and when I was little whenever I tantrumed my mum would say "oh you're just like him" or that I reminded her of him so I find it hard to express any negative emotion really. Thing is OH gets (quietly) frustrated in just the 3 hours between him getting back and bedtime so I'd like to see him do full days alone! He seems unhappy the whole evening because he's tired so I feel this pressure to not just relax when he's home.

I don't want to tell my mum because she quite likes drama in a way in that she likes to be the rescuer so would hurry round but insist on deep chats and staying for hours and also she'd bring my 18 year old sister as they seem to come as a pair. They are both always going through a drama of some kind and I think they feel most comfortable if I am too because then I'm like them. What I'd love is a phone conversation where it's not made into a big deal but she can't give me that.

I get on well with mil but not enough that I feel comfortable being honest.

It just feels relentless if DS2 is asleep DS1 is crying or unhappy and then the moment DS2 wakes up he wants milk (which he then vomits everywhere in a thick curdled paste) and then he poos after every feed if not more so constant nappies and unless he's asleep he's unhappy mostly so then I've got both of them miserable.

I know my responses to them are perpetuating the behaviours I'm finding difficult. I know it's my fault. I'm sitting here almost crying with vomit in my hair and just feel like this massive fraud who everyone seems to think is doing so well.

You are angry because you are worried that the screaming will wake the baby and you know the consequences of that.

How often is it happening? What are you saying no to and could you change how you are asking him to do things so you aren't saying no? I'm not saying ruin him forever, rather get him on side so he does what you want.

It's pretty normal. I know that rage feeling well. I think it's because we have no control over very important things and it's hard to accept they can be so unreasonable and demanding at times.

The most important thing is to get the temper flare ups under control as one feeds the next. If you lose it it's easy to lose it the next time and so on.

Let the 2yr old off the hook a bit for now and pick your battles. You can fix any behaviours later when you are in a better place.

Get your mum to help, you don't have to let her know you're struggling, just ask her to have your 2yr old over for a few hrs every now and then so you have some space. Just say you'd love some 1-2-1 with new baby.

My eldest is now 4 and I rarely feel my temper flaring at him. I think it's little children/toddlers that have a special ability to drive you beyond yourself. So it will improve but be so so careful not to let the shouting and temper be the norm forever more.

Hi

I know how you are feeling, I have a 2.5y and 14 week old. Mine seems to come out in hysterical laughter?!!

I'm finding it really stressful and at times virtually impossible. When I am trying to get my youngest to sleep (who likes quiet and dark!) my toddler will not leave me alone even in the hallway - screaming shouting, constantly needs a wee, drink, my help, crying - ahhhhh! It all feels like a big joke at my expense!

I think you are stressed and tired - can you get any time out at all? I go to the gym most evenings on my own for down time - I go when my youngest has fallen asleep and then I get back in an hour and go straight to bed. If he won't sleep I don't go that evening - I go for some quiet me time!!

I hope you are ok - do you have any friends you could confide in? It's not good to shout etc as you know but I'm quite sure we have all been there.

I'm not sure when it gets easier but I just keep trying to reassure myself it will!

X

OP I really empathise, I wrote a very similar thread this morning myself but didn't have the guts to post it.

In the end I lost the plot to the point where I rearranged my sons room so he can't get to anything dangerous and took anything dangerous out. He has books, blocks, train set and soft toys. The door has a stair gate on it.

He can play in there for twenty minutes at a time and I can take a few minutes to calm down.

It's not an ideal solution but it's better than me losing my temper at him. Might be worth a try?

You're probably really tired and sleep deprived and that makes everything worse. Plus 2 year olds are so frustrating as they don't understand reason bit can talk, so you think they should understand more than they do. Accept/ask for help, don't beat yourself up, and relax up with the rules a bit/use tv/bribery to get you through the early weeks/months with a newborn. It's a big adjustment for your ds so he's probably acting out a bit due to that but he will get used to the new one soon and might settle down. I'd heap on the praise and cuddles when he does ANYTHING right just for now. It's easy to say try to control your anger but tbh you probably just need some sleep. You clearly love your son and wouldn't hurt him and mums who don't lose their rag sometimes are probably few and far between.
I'd make sure you get out of the house every day, twice if possible. Include DS in helping out with nappies - passing Wipes etc and so he feels really important. Or you could get him his own baby to change while you do nappies? 2 year olds love a bit of role play imo and also love to 'help'. Praise for anything good will encourage more good behaviour as all a 2 yr old wants is attention. Negative attention isn't as good as praise but it's better than no attention. I've certainly been guilty of just ignoring good behaviour but have found that my older DD cooperateso more when I tell her what she is doing well. And makes me feel less guilty when I get frustrated and shout.
I have a 2.8yr and 1.3yr old and the first 6-9 months with 2 kids were SO hard but it.gets easier xx

You're angrier than usual just now because the stage your kids are at is really really hard. I remember saying something very similar to your OP to my DP when we were at that point. You're still recovering from pregnancy and birth, you're sleep deprived, you're on duty 24/7, you're juggling a toddler who needs stimulation and a baby who needs peace and quiet and it doesn't sound like you're getting much support or any kind of a break.

I think the solution is for your OH to take on a bit more responsibility for the kids and give you a break. A bit of time off / feeling a bit looked after myself made all the difference to my patience endurance levels when I was in your position. Yes he's tired but I will bet my house he's not as tired as you are at this point. You need (at least) a couple of hours off at regular intervals a few times a week so that you can rest, do a few things for yourself, have a bit of time on your own or whatever you need.

Hang on in there OP. A year down the line I'm still very tired but it's normal tired and it's fine! This too will pass

Thank you everyone for such kind and useful replies. We went to the supermarket this morning and got stuff for a picnic in the park. I decided not to give a shit if DS2 sprayed milk over the whole park.

I picked a nice park with a big green space so even if DS1 ran far he'd be fine and I'd have time to get him. And actually it was lovely, he was a total star and DS2 fed really well and slept a lot. No tantrums and we had fun. Just what I needed after the shambles that was this morning.

I think you're right WhatWouldGhengisDo that OH needs to help out a bit more. He'll do anything I ask but when you have to ask sometimes you don't, do you. I'll make sure I do. It's weird it's like we've gone fully back to normal except I have 2 babies to look after now. I have to remind myself DS2 is only 6 weeks old!

I know batoutahell that I need to make sure it doesn't become routine, being angry. I was actually thinking that earlier, how much easier it is once you've lost it a bit once.

Thank you for the other suggestions, I will definitely take them all into account and can see how useful they'll be. Most of all thank you for making me feel less alone. I felt dreadful this morning but things feel brighter now x

Delurking to say you're not alone. Could almost have written your post myself. I don't usually read this section of the forums but I'm having a particularly bad day today so came looking for advice.

DS is 23 months and DD 17 weeks. I usually manage fine but now and then I just feel THE RAGE with the eldest. I slept badly last night, and today DS keeps trying to smack his sister. He doesn't mean it I know, but it hasn't stopped me yelling at him and swearing under my breath. I'm too tired to play with him much today, DD is having a growth spurt and demanding extra feeds so I'm pinned to the sofa, which is when DS will decide to climb up a shelf, pull all the wet wipes out, or try to sit on my head. All normal stuff but I just can't tolerate it sometimes and crave peace and space. I too struggle keeping my temper in check and fear turning into my dad. And DS still cuddles me bless him despite my outbursts His excuse is he's 2. I should know better!

No advice sorry but I totally understand I'm going to play with him now so the day's not a complete disaster. Hoping tomorrow's better for us both

Oh and forgot to say I'm totally impressed you manage to get out the house so much with your baby and toddler. I'm still struggling with that!

It's hard, we've all been there.

Specifically regarding saying no all the time, I found it helpful to phrase it as what you want to see. So "sofas are for bottoms" not "no, stop jumping"; "this is precious to mummy. Here is one for you" instead of "don't touch"; "gentle hands" not "no, don't hit"

The end result is the same, and he may well still scream, but I found it easier to listen to myself at least

alarox I feel your pain! It's such hard work. I swear a lot quite loudly under my breath too Sounds like we are in very similar situations.
I manage to go out mostly because DS1 loves to nap in the car and DS2 quite likes it too. So I'm guaranteed a more peaceful hour even if I end up sat back in the driveway breastfeeding in the front seat haha! I couldn't do it without a car. It's a dry, warm, small, lockable space. I take the whole house with me but at least if it rains or I lose my shit I feel like I have a mobile safe place to retreat to. We don't spend the whole time in the car haha I just mean I'd find it hard if I had to walk because if it all goes wrong it's such a journey home.

Thanks HeyMickey that's a really good idea. I get sick of hearing my own voice saying no plus I realise it quickly loses all meaning.

Lots of great advice, I just thought it was worth mentioning that the main symptom of PND for me was being an angry, angry bastard and if its not like you to be so full of rage maybe that's worth considering? I didn't work it out for ages because I assumed PND was more being down and sad. You sometimes see irritability in the symptoms but for me it was pure rage.

Is DC1 in any form of childcare? Could you increase his hours? Or would a relative take him for a day a week? Mine are similar ages to yours and I've found that having DC1 in childcare for 2 days per week means that when he is there I'm (just about!) able to not lose it regularly with him. On days when he is with me it's special and we do something nice together. Quality rather than quantity. I do appreciate it's not an option available to everyone tho. Also, my youngest is 4 months now and the 2 DC are developing a really sweet relationship and starting to interact. DC1 will rock DC2s chair if he's crying. And they seem aware of each other's needs more. It's already much easier than it was with a newborn so don't worry it will improve! I know how you feel!

Agree with scooby. My PND manifested as irritability and rage. I struggled for so long and was just an angry mess for the first 18 months of my sons life. Now I'm left with a huge amount of guilt.

There's been lots of great advice here. Good luck OP