DC friendships

[LovelyBath77]

From when my firstbowrn was 6 months we met another mum with a little boy the same age and as we got together the boys became friends too. As the years went by they went to the same preschool, same primary school, and again we arranged playdates for them.

Now at secondary, they have been put in separate classes and due to work etc and some other things, the mum and I are not as close anymore.

My Ds hardly sees the other boy anymore and yesterday we saw him out with a couple of other boys from the school, DS was Ok but a wee bit quiet. he is a sensitive should and has;t made many new friends at the new school.

In Yesr 6 the teacher did say none of them really go to each others houses anymore, like they did when younger, they tend to do clubs and things instead. It's different from when I grew up I think.

I feel almost regretful I arranged this friendship so much when they were younger, maybe should have been different. Oh I don't know. It also seems like in year 7 some seem like older / teens and others like DS still children.

Not quite sure what I mean but just sharing in case others had something similar.

Friendships grow apart, especially in a transitional phase from Secondary to Primary.

Ime if they have been friends for that long they'll always have a 'bond', they may not be close anymore but still friendly when they see each other etc.

My DD drifted majorly with her best friend from Primary School when they went to different secondaries, both had made new friends at their new schools, whilst I still was extremely close with her bf's mum. However now at 18 they both have become quite close again.

It's quite hard having no control over their friendships when they start secondary.

*from Primary to Secondary....need some more caffeine!

Thanks. He (DS) did say something about having other friends but 'it's not the same as someone you've known since you were really little' but then maybe I felt that was sad, but he was just talking about friendships in general.

Head of year 7 here: we deal with these types of issues every year. You're absolutely spot on that some children at this age mature a lot quicker than others. I've always been of the opinion that I'd rather parent one of the 'slower developing' students because they often come across as much happier and less angsty children.

My suggestion in these cases is always to encourage your own DC to meet as many new friends as possible: sports clubs, other extra curricular opportunities etc. Of course, they can still nurture older friendships but widening their circle now is the key to avoiding unhappiness later on when teenage cliques and constant fallouts become the norm.

Thanks Ohdeary, that is good to know. DH was thinking of emailing our DS' tutor to ask them, too. Yes i feel he is generally happy and keen to join in with things such as trips and activities, although not as sporty as some and there are lots of sporty boys at the school. He's been away to France as well for a few days and in the school pictures looked happy and relaxed, chatting to the others. Which is good.

Definitely a good sign. I would 100% agree with your DH: email the tutor, maybe copying in your son's head of year, explaining your concerns and see what they say. They can keep a bit more of an eye on him and may well facilitate some new friendships (that's what we'd do.)

LovelyBath, I have 3 dc, who all did friendships differently in Primary - and, to some extent, in secondary.
It's interesting, I was chatting with my 21 yr old a few days ago, and although he wasn't at all close to anyone at secondary, that he'd been friendly with as a little one, he still knows what they are up to and sees them now and then around and about as they come and go to different things. Many of his friends (returning home after university) have formed a football team, and now he's talking about lads I remember from when he was 7, that haven't had a mention from 11 - 16.
dd1, had a really, really close bunch of friends from Yr1 through to Yr6, and they've drifted away, all forming different friendship groups over secondary, but then, after some movement for 6th forms, some have linked up again.
It really is normal, and I'm just telling you about my dc to let you know that some drifting away now doesn't mean they won't be friends again in the future. Social media is a wonderful tool for them to get in touch easily, and you also find things they might belong to at 16 or 18 or 21 or 25 throw them back together with friends from 4, or 5, or 6.

The tutor has just left though, he will have a new one after the summer. The head of house seems nice but can't remember if she is next to contact or head of year. Thanks for the advice though. He started a Cipher club I think so maybe will continue that. they put two boys at least from primary in each class together but the other boy is very sporty so busy with that. Others all seem to be in different house / classes although he sees them at lunchtimes. I did ask him if he wanted to ask anyone round to the house in the hols and he said 'not really' so wasn't sure if that is not the done thing, now, feel like having friends round for his younger brother and he has to put up with them! Oh well. He is also quite happy in his own company and reads lots so that is keeping him busy.

DD2 has just finished y7. She has a friend from when they were toddlers who now lives in a nearby town and is at a different school. DD2 still considers this girl a close friend. However I'm pretty sure when we met up recently the friend was doing this a bit on sufferance (for us Mums and old times sake) as they don't currently have a lot in common.

Keep encouraging clubs and new friends. they may grow apart for now, but might get back together later (or not).

Yes, thanks, maybe it's just a kind of stage of getting more independant.