MIL issues yet again

[Lewiscarrera]

Really struggling with MIL and it never seems to get easier. After every encounter with her I come away furious and wishing I'd stood up to her more / been more assertive. She agrees to do things but then goes on about how much effort it was, how it was a "big ask" , how she couldn't quite do what she wanted to do on X day because we'd asked her to take our son to Y (she looks after him one day a week and my DH has asked if she would be happy to take DS to his nursery graduation (which we also attended), i ask DS what he'd eaten from his cake and she replies for him looking at me "icing" - I know it's f&@king icing you stupid b@&ch - and don't talk for my son! Does she seriously think I don't know what icing is?!!! She dismisses comments I make when I try and make small talk. All
Small stuff but I find her manipulative the way she offers to help / do stuff / agrees to do things then tries to make you feel guilty about it. I have a life time of this with her and it just depresses me the way I haven't found a way to deal with her comments at the time - right there and then instead I just replay conversations in my head wishing I'd said something else. She also gave me one of her second hand dresses which was nice but then proceeded to make me feel bad about that. She gave it to me, I saw her two days later, she asked if I'd tried it in and I said honestly that I really liked it but hadn't had time to try it on yet (I have a baby and toddler so very hectic and very little sleep at the moment) and she was like "oh well if you don't like it I'll have it back and do something else with it." I mean... wtf??? This is the number of resentments accumulated in the space of 1 hour 30 mins and most encounters bread a similar number. Just can't take it anymore, I have enough to deal with without managing her immature moods. Any suggestions for improving this relationship or, if not, making sure I challenge her comments at the time?

Ds in nursery then you aren't beholding to her at all. If she wants to see the dc send dh around with him. No laws says you need to see her and listen to her crap.

Hi.
This is my first post on here, but I just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation, albeit my mil is not so hurtful, but I get it.
I am a first time mum to a 12 week old boy. My DH is Greek and I live with him and his parents. I have pnd but had it diagnosed and am slowly getting better. My mil questions everything I do with my ds. I am trying so hard to put him into a kind of routine and she constantly undermines it. We often have cross words and even though I am a first time mum, I know my baby better than anyone! Also struggling with lack of sleep, the blistering heat and my pnd and she just makes things worse at times and we all end up arguing!
Sorry for going on and have no advice really, but just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel xx

Wjays wrong with her saying he ate the icing? Seems to me you are looking for stuff to get irate over.

Maybe you need to chill out a bit.

Wjays wrong with her saying he ate the icing?

She was talking to her son...you know - engaging the child? Surely you have heard of it?

OP give her the dress back and stop asking her to do stuff. If she replies when you are talking to your son, just say 'yeah I guessed that, I was just talking to my son.'

Well yes but I wouldn't get all irate about a conversation lime that. I still think that what ever the mil says the OP will pick apart.

She needs to learn the smile and nod technique. Much less stressful.

Like*

How about next time she offers to help with childcare, you say something then, like, "Are you sure? Only last time you said it was difficult/inconvenient because of..." Be gentle but clear and direct. She may have got into certain habits of conversation and not realise and this will help to make her aware of it.

Good suggestions here. The icing example is one thing but when it's one of a number of constant snipes it all adds up. I try hard with her but it's often met with put downs / snipes / competitiveness. My DH was the one who asked her to take him to graduation and he told me she was fine with it yet when I got there it was grumble grumble poor me having to do this etc etc - I do avoid her as much as poss. I like the idea of asking if she's sure etc etc . My DS enjoys spending time with her (mostly his grandad actually) so I need to make sure he doesn't suffer.

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat whateverhaopens. Sounds like you're sticking up for yourself more than I am at the moment. Good luck. Xx

I certainlyou would be reluctant to ask her to do stuff as it seems she finds it stressful, she doesn't sound easy and i think she is probably not at her best with you either. I do think she probably means well but isn't showing it!

I would guess that she chats away to your dh saying how much she would like to do this or that but in reality finds it more difficult. Is your dh trying to avoid doing these things himself, so asks you to ask his mother to help, or is he trying to foster close relationships between you all, which isn't working? I think let him do stuff with his mum and ds and you fade out a bit more.

I'm a bit confused. As none of this seems so utterly horrific. I don't get the icing issue really although I get you we're talking to your son. Just not why it is so bad she answered you. Likewise the dress. Probably after 2 days it's reasonable you could have tried it on. (I have a toddler and baby too so I know what life is like).

You seem to need to back away from the relationship for a while and get your husband to deal with things as it seems she will wind you up whatever is said

Helpful to get the feedback. Maybe I am overreacting / seeing criticism where there is none. Or maybe this is someone I just don't find easy to get along with and that's ok. DH is very fair - he acknowledges that she can be very difficult and negative but thinks I should try and see more good in her.

I think you will probably see more good in her if you see a bit less of her

Stop having her watching him! Send him to nursery for that day and you won't have to deal with most of this.

If it was just up to me - I wouldn't let her look after him but my husband was keen and now my son really enjoys his time with her (tbh he mostly likes it bcos of his grandad rather than her) so if I asked her to stop watching him my DS would be the one losing out. I don't want him to suffer bcos I don't get on with her. Will definitely suggest to DH that he stops asking her to do anything extra as it now seems obvious that although she agrees to do things she does them with bad grace and then tries to make us feel bad about. which I think is manipulative (but which I must be wrong about, as the majority of people who replied to my thread didn't see much wrong with her doing that).