Feel like I'm losing bond with DS1 after C Sec, please help

[newmammyof2]

I'm 10 days PP with DS2 (turned 2 last month) and although DS1 loves his new brother I feel like his bond is breaking with me?

I know it's only 10 days but I had a c section and can hardly do a thing with or for him, where as before we were always going for walks, playing football, all energetic types of activities and games, he was big on cuddling on my knee and always asked to be picked up for a hug.

He's so energetic and I prepped "busy bags" for when DS2 arrived with colour sorting, books and all sorts of sit down activities we could do but he just has no time for them.

I always put him to bed and now he screams and cries for his dad to do it instead, he hardly comes near for a kiss or cuddle.

The only thing he seems to enjoy is helping me bath/feed/play with baby but even that doesn't last forever.

I just feel like I'm spending my days sitting watching him do all the things we'd do together and I think he's feeling it too.

Any suggestions (especially if anyone has had this problem not being able to be hands on after c sec) of things I could try to get us back on track?

I know it's not going to be forever and it's a good thing he's not clamouring all over me but it's getting me so down I just sat and cried when DH took him to bed again. I feel like I'm not looking after him the way I should and I hate it.

TIA for any advise

It's hard and I had the same problem after crash c-section. It was a big readjustment, but trying to do as much as possible that we usually did helped. It will get easier but by bit. Focus on cuddles and watching films together if that's all you can manage. Read books, do puzzles. Sit in the garden whilst he plays. Leave the laundry and chores as much as possible. It takes time but you have to redifine your relationship a bit. Just build things back a bit at a time and try to give him as much quality time as you can. Walks to the park saved us once I was up to it! The pain and problems from the c-section do go quite quickly in the end!

It's so hard. It will get easier. I had a second c-section earlier this year (ds1 was 26 months) and the physical recovery coupled with the massive adjustment for you in your relationship with ds1 is mind blowing. All you want to do is scoop your first baby in your arms and you can't. It takes time to bond with your new baby too so it's all pretty overwhelming.

Although my ds1 continued to be a mummy's boy it was hard in a different way because it was like I was rejecting him when he needed me most. We are now almost 5 months in and it has settled down a lot. I hadn't realised how much those early days are impacted by your physical restrictions after a c-section.

Like you I tried busy bags but not much luck for what it's worth here are my tips -

• accept that TV will be part of your day and that is ok

• have you got a garden? Can you set up some safe 'exploring' type things e.g. digging, water play, cars in sand etc

• sling for the baby so you can have one hand free for helping out

• playdoh, sticker books

• double buggy and get out and about

It feels like it will last forever but it won't - you will come through.

It's not so much the section but the extra child
Once you have a second the guilt is always there. It's just you learn to rationalise and manage it better. It's very early days with new baby so go easy on yourself.

I had a C section after an awful pregnancy where I had HG all the way through. My baby is now 4 months old and we're getting back to normal. In the last month I have been expressing bottles and doing short activities 1-1 with my eldest like seeing shows and going swimming.

Think of the long game. You've just given him a beautiful brother for life with all the ups and down that go with it

Your hormones are kicking your arse at the moment - ten days is nothing, this is all so new for all of you, you're still adjusting. Tell him love him and that his new baby brother loves him, too. I think some stuff you just have to go through, and so does DS1, but before you know it, things will be easier. Accept that this is a totally normal part of having another baby and that you're doing a great job

I'm in a similar situation although I've not had my DS2 yet (currently 33 weeks pregnant). I've had horrendous HG throughout this whole pregnancy and haven't been able to do anything active with DS1 since about Christmas time.

It's been so hard and the worst part about it is that it's been so long that he's just used to Mummy being sick now and doesn't even ask me to go for a walk etc.

I have been able to carve out some quiet times - I always do the bedtime story and cuddle watching TV but it is rubbish.

Soon you'll be back on your feet doing everything you want to again.

I feel your pain OP
I broke my leg at 33 weeks pregnant, was in hospital with it until almost 35 weeks, was more or less completely immobile then had a CS at 39 weeks. Like a pp, my DD didn't even ask to play after a while and it was heartbreaking. But DS is 4.5 months now and we are more.or less back to normal - or a new normal at any rate! - and it was me DD wanted when she was in hospital this week (it's been a crappy year).

In the interim can I suggest a beach ball? Light enough for you to play catching and kicking from sitting down with him and not worry much if it strays too close to the baby. (DO NOT play catch with a hard football and a child who is learning to play with the baby who is a few.weeks old in a swing. Poor DS).

Same situation here, DS2 was born via emergency C-section, the next 6 weeks felt like DS1 became a total Daddy's boy! I felt so sore and vulnerable so a boisterous 2 year old was hard to handle physically, plus there was a newborn to care for and sleepless nights... to be honest I was mostly happy for DP to focus on DS1 and for me to be able to focus on baby for a while. He did the same as yours with bedtime, he would want Daddy not me (when DP was home at least). Sometimes I felt rejected, but DS2 needed me more especially in the early days, so I just went with it and took a backseat with regards to DS1 and let DP handle more of his care where possible.

It definitely got easier when I'd healed from the C-section and baby got more settled! In hindsight I think DS1 probably felt rejected because he wasn't the only baby in the house anymore, so in turn he distanced himself from me if that makes sense? The fact I couldn't pick him up like before didn't help of course!

As DS2 got older things between me and DS1 have gotten a lot better - but with two children there is just no way to be as focussed and devoted to either one of them as you are with your firstborn and that is something DS1 has had to learn (still does), as well as me.

9 months on he is just as close to me as to his Daddy, and I try to make sure I spend time one-to-one with him when DS2 naps as well as occasionally taking him out for a small trip e.g. to the park just the two of us, I find these times really help maintain a close relationship.

What i'm trying to say is I wouldn't worry too much about it at this early stage, I think what you're going through is very normal and things will adjust themselves in time. Having a sibling is a huge change in DS1's life, C-sec or not! And 2 year olds are notorious for struggling with their emotions as is. Give him time and just keep trying to do certain activities with him when you can. Your bond with him is not breaking it is just going through a big change.

Thankyou all for replying, I know it was sort of inevitable but it still broke my heart. He's started playing up for DH now too 🙈 I think just so much of his little world has been turned upside down and I feel helpless to set it right, especially as since posting this I've had a nasty water infection that's left me unable to get out of bed and almost constantly being sick so can't care for either child well atm.

I'll wait patiently as I can to feel better and to heal. Frankly it all just feels like a nightmare right now but that'll probably go away when the infection clears.

Thankyou all xx