How can I support my partner to feel confident with our newborn

[user1499835080]

Hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice on how I can support my boyfriends confidence levels around our newborn baby...basically she LM is very attached to her mummy and daddy and always wants to be held and given attention. But sometimes when daddy holds LM she will cry/scream and not settle for him then in reaction he will pass her to me and in seconds she will settle...now I can see this is having an effect on him and his bond with baby! He tells me quite often then he feels she doesn't like him and then she never settles for him when I know that she loves him so much! I know it's hard for him, he currently works 4 days then has 4 days off so he helps me more on his days off! Which means I'm constantly with LM so I don't find it hard to settle her as I seem to know how she likes to be settled now. Its gotten to the point now where me and daddy were feeding LM when she began to cry/scream and he said he didn't want to feed her and that he didn't love her or even like her for that matter...instantly I broke down in tears because of how he said he felt and feeling sorry for our baby for having to hear that...he apologised to us both and since then he has been brilliant with her but I can tell he is still struggling with his confidence with her can anyone offer some advice for me to help him...Thankyou X

Start by telling him to grow the fuck up. She doesnt like him? He doesnt love her! how old is he? He needs to aoend more time with her doing things, not less.

How is manchild generally?

Get him to be more hands on. Take a step back and let him change bath and feed her.
The more he is around her the better she will be with him.

And whats lm?

Leave him to take charge. Go to the shops without LO. He will only learn by fluke and it's easy to Pass to you is your there

The only way is by practise - as you've found yourself. So he needs to stop handing you the baby whenever she cries. Try leaving the room when he's feeding her - go and have a bath or pop out to the shops.

I think it is hard for dad's (well both parents really) at the start, they suddenly have this tiny little person who they are supposed to love and care for but who doesn't show any affection or recognition, and no instructions! He's obviously feeling like he should have this great bond and is struggling as he doesn't yet. Reassure him that it does take time. And its normal for babies to be more attached to mum, especially if he's away for days at a time.

My partner used to immediately thrust DD back at me as soon as she cried. She's 3mo now and he's so much more confident, and has learnt his own techniques to settle her. It just took me to be a bit firmer and ask him to hold her a bit longer when she was crying.

Encourage him to feed and bathe your LO, and make sure he has time with her when she's happy and settled, maybe after she's had a feed. Also skin to skin cuddling is great for bonding- strip LO to her nappy and put her on his chest then cover with a blanket so they're snuggly warm together. My DP did this a lot in the early days. Being able to hear a heartbeat should help her settle.

It took my DH a couple of months before he started to feel confident with her, I breastfed so my lg was permanently attached to me and I think he felt he had no role. I was worried about him not bonding but now he's amazing with her, I think he was scared he would break her or hurt her etc as she was so tiny!

Just try to encourage him to hold, feed, change her etc and his confidence will grow.

I think this is very normal, my husband feels the same sometimes, my LO is 12 weeks old now. It's just taken time, he has got more confident and it has helped with him having LO on his own more frequently. Don't let him give up and hand her back.

Pp have been rude, ignore them x

Ps I'm not ashamed to admit it took me a little while to properly feel love for my LO. It wasn't an immediate thing for me and I really struggled at first despite having that bond through breastfeeding.

Bit harsh PP telling you to tell him to grow up. Many women post feeling how he does and they are met with compassion and help. He's struggling, my DH had a couple of blue weeks and now he's ajusted and we'll bonded. Your DH just needs to find his feet that's all :)

I don't think this is something you can do for him: this is something he needs to do for himself. Women often suffer from uncertainty and the blues with a newborn, but unless severely ill know that they haven't got a choice: they have got to care for the baby whether they feel the bond or not, and certainly long before the baby can show them any affection. Just because you have carried a baby inside you doesn't mean you have magical access to baby care instructions: women feel as clueless as men do, they just know they've got to get on with it because someone has to.

As the child's father, he needs to be prepared to give the same selfless care, without asking himself "how will this make me feel good about myself?" If new mothers asked that, very few babies would survive. He needs to be alone with her, he needs to think of himself as the person who has got to care for her.

Thankyou for all the supportive comments! I've taken your advice and had a big chat with him, I found it so rude how people were saying that he needs to grow up...it's a new thing for us both, he's now started taking his time with her and understands that she cries for us both. Thankyou again everyone who understands! ❤️ xx