18 month old refusing to ear dinner... how to make this NOT a big deal? !

[WhyTheHeckMe]

I need to start by explaining I was bought up by mum and dad but dad was VERY strict, army officer who took no shit. My most vivid memories are being age 3/4 and being smacked / banished from the table / sent to bed etc for not eating all of my dinner or veg. This resulted in food becoming a big issue for me. Almost a phobia. I was so fussy and still am, ie. Never tried a prawn in my life along with many other quite normal foods. I'm a lot better than I used to be but still remember spending all day as a kid dreading dinner time.
Me and dh came to an agreement that mealtimes will always be relaxed and stress free for ds who is 18 months.

He's always been a great eater and very adventurous. Some of his favourite meals include chilli and wedges, healthy home made curry, Moroccan tagine etc. I've given lots of flavours from the start.

The last week or so he has started completely refusing dinner. Lunch is always 'snacky' like cucumber and bread sticks, humus, avocado, yogurt etc.
He's not a big eater at lunch but it's never worried me as he eats tons for dinner.
But now he won't even try the food. He has a massive meltdown, cries and rips his bib off and tries to get out the highchair.
He throws his cutlery and the food.
As I was worried about making it into a thing we started going and making him a big bowl of fruit which he loves just so I knew he wasn't going hungry and he wouldn't get scared of mealtime.
Now it's like he's refusing it as he knows he'll get the fruit
Help me! Where have I gone wrong!
I don't want to give in and give him what is basically his pudding when he won't even eat a bite of dinner. But I also hate the thought of him becoming like I used to be

Sorry that was so long :( please give me some advice

Pre-empt and give small bowl of fruit first?

My ds (17months) is exactly the same.. no advise really I'm just really hoping it's a phase!

Oh you poor thing, you sound like a lovely mum. Sorry you had such a strict childhood. .

If he's eating lunch, could you try giving him more of the same at tea time- picky things? It all sounds healthy so don't worry about it not being a "proper" dinner.

Someone once told me if pudding becomes a treat for after tea give pudding before tea. At 18 months you don't need to worry about 'the done thing' just do what works for a bit. My friend used to give her toddler all the food at once and let him chose what order to eat it in.

My son went through a stage like this - would only eat weetabix. Doctor said just give him weetabix and only come back if he starts to appear ill. Within 2 weeks he progressed onto things in breadcrumbs (nuggets, fish fingers, potato croquettes even veal escalopes). One day we had a roast and he wanted it too! Basically Dr said they'll get bored, try not to stress and go with the flow

Ideally if he doesn't want his dinner you let him go without - if he was really hungry he'd eat it.

When he refuses I'd shrug, take the plate away, and take him away from the table - no drama. Try him again later and repeat. But I'd try this with a savoury dish you know he likes, i.e. don't set him up to fail by giving him something he's a bit ambivalent about.

Stay cheerful and it'll stop him being able to use it as a weapon against you - you really don't mind if he eats it not, his choice.

I'm certain he won't starve himself and if you stand firm now (no confrontation needed!) it'll stop this escalating. Toddlers go through phases in my experience, sometimes devouring everything in sight and then sometimes not really bothering. Go with the flow but never offer anything tastier than what you offered first!

Unfortunately it's very common for babies who eat everything to turn into fussy toddlers, often at around this age. Tiredness might also be a factor, given the time of day.

I would continue to present him with a variety of healthy foods, and let him decide whether or not he wants to eat them. Give him his usual portion of a healthy pudding (fruit/yoghurt etc) irrespective of whether or not he has eaten the main course- it is not a reward. Definitely don't make a big deal out of it.

In practice, many people resort to feeding toddlers quite simple foods which are easily recognisable and therefore more readily eaten. E.g. pasta with pesto or tomato sauce, fish fingers with broccoli and carrots, etc. My fussy 2 year old's favourite meal is plain salmon, plain rice, corn on the cob and peas. Not the most exciting meal, but healthy and always eaten without any dramas.

Sorry posted too soon...

Lastly, whilst sometimes we just don't fancy what we've been offered or you've made something a bit different that he genuinely isn't that keen on. In that case, and you think it's reasonable to substitute for something else, make it something really unexciting and definitely not sweet. Like a small piece of toast or a cracker with a few carrot sticks.

The most helpful thing I read about weaning was your job as parent is to choose what they eat and when they're offered it. So ideally 3 healthy meals and 2 snacks.
The child's job is to choose if they eat at all and how much.

That's it. It's so frustrating and worrying when they won't eat but he won't starve himself and this way you don't pile more unnecessary pressure on yourself. You're instincts to avoid negative associations are spot on.

One other thing you could try- have big plates of food and let everyone serve themselves at dinner-including him. Then he can choose what goes on plate and join in. Might help?

Bigger lunch? Do you still give snacks?

If he is not currently underweight then I would just say to give him his dinner, let him chose what to eat without cajooling or begging and then when you're done if he's ready to leave the table just take the food away

You'll hopefully find that when there's no pressure/focus on his eating he'll improve.

It could also just be a growth spurt/wonder week/new tooth that's putting him off food for a little while.

I really recommend the book 'my child won't eat' by Carlos Gonzales, a Spanish paediatrician. So reassuring.

My now two year old DS went through a phase of hardly eating dinner. I'd give him a long time to eat but tended not to coax or anything because if he knew it was important to me it made it worse. I did then sometimes offer something else but tried not to offer something sweet very often as obviously that's really tempting and he'd wait for that instead. Why bother with dinner if waiting gets you a sweet treat? So I'd offer snacky bits he likes, like some cheese, tomatoes, crackers. Sometimes hrate them sometimes not. He now eats fine. I kinda think anything other than being totally blase about it makes it a 'thing'