Can you teach kindness?

[BlazeofLight]

DS1 will be four in the Autumn. He isn't very kind, and I am wondering what I can do to teach him to be more kind?

So for example, he regularly pushes over his little brother or refuses to share with him. He gets upset if anyone touches anything that is "his" - even if he wasn't playing with it or doesn't want it any more. This morning he cried because DH ate some of his scrambled eggs even though he had already left the table and when offered didn't want to eat them himself.

He would never dream of sharing a biscuit or another treat. Plus - and I am embarrassed to admit this - he squashes ants on purpose. Which horrifies me.

On the plus side he is very gentle with dogs and other big animals, he never hurts other children (although he still won't share with them) and occasionally when his brother is crying he will show concern or try to help.

Is this normal? Are some children just naturally kinder than others?

What can I do to help him other than modelling kindness and gentleness? (Which isn't working so far!) I would love him to be nicer to DS2 (who is 2).

Sounds normal
The thing I teach is to never use bad words nor criticise someone or their appearance. If you cannot say something nice etc, so that can be taught.
And if someone is unkind to dd I just tell her they are having a bad day or need a mummy cuddle.
Tricky but he will grow out of it!

I don't think not sharing food or even toys is unkind at 3. It sounds normal to me!
Just keep modelling the behaviour and encouraging things like offering another biscuit rather than sharing one.
Just encourage thinking of others and empathy. When you go shopping, say things like 'shall we get your brother/daddy/mummy this treat because that's their favourite'
Encourage drawing pictures, making cards and writing letters for people.
Get him involved when buying presents for other's birthdays.

Look into developing empathy in your child. Recognise and deal with his emotional needs and that will help him to develop empathy. There are loads of articles if you have a google.

Some great advice on here. I can only add that my almost 4 year old is exactly the same (particularly with my 1 year old) so it certainly sounds normal to me.

Don't worry too much. reception class is all about learning to share and get on with their peers. Some great advice above. Really go over the top with praise when he does anything kind.

I agree this all sounds really normal.

You sound like a lovely gentle person, so make sure that you are firm with your son when he does step over the line (eg hurting his brother). But honestly your son sounds completely normal for his age.

It's not about being naturally kind imo: it's about still only being 3. There are all sorts of developments that have to happen first: the empathy to actually feel that other people (including baby brother) are people like him and feel things like him, the self control to act on that empathy once you have got it, the independence which enables you not to become overly irritated by annoying little brothers. All those will come in time; in the meantime it's just a question of keep modelling and intervene before there is a blood bath

Thanks all. That is extremely reassuring to hear!

Great advice about how to develop empathy - I don't help him to think about what nice things he could do for other people, so I will definitely start that.

At age 4 a lot of kids don't have the emotional capacity to put themselves in another's shoes and empathise unless it is something very obvious e.g. His brother crying right in front of him. If he was 8 then I'd suggest there is a problem, but he is only 4 so still very young so I really wouldn't be too worried.

I remember at roughly this age having an illustrated book about manners, it had lots of different situations and showed what is kind and what is unkind behaviour. I remember really liking the book for some reason, but that was years ago so doubt that particular book is still published, but I'm sure others will be available.

He's only 3, it's perfectly normal.

Mine is 5 and whilst he won't upset someone on purpose he's also got zero interest in making others happy. Writing a teacher thank you card or birthday card because the OTHER person will be happy seem to be a foreign concept. We try to develop his empathy by occasionally asking about what someone else might be feeling in a situation, and trying to talk about his own feelings on the rare occasion he doesn't switch off at the mention of emotions. Think they're just still quite self centred and seem to remember from my degree that that's totally normal.

Two ways that worked for us were to notice and say nice things when they are being kind and to use cuddly toys to act out being kind or to be kind to. DS1 much preferred being nice to his cuddly duck than his little brother.

When he is a bit older, stories books are a great way of developing their empathy. After reading Charlotte's Web to my dd I had to be extremely careful with spiders as she would get upset if any were accidently harmed.