Explaining death to toddler

[user1479720214]

Hi,

My mum died when I was quite young. My 3yo recently asked about family and who was my mummy (he has Nana/Grandad from dh's side and my Dad and his wife on my side - we call my dads wife by her name). I was caught a bit off guard when he asked and didn't know how to answer, so just said she wasn't here. Do you have any advice on how to talk with ds about this if it comes up in future? Obviously, he never knew or met my mum, so he hasn't experienced death, as such, just not sure how to talk about it appropriately to him.

Sorry to hear you lost your mum so young user.

We've found explaining things as honestly and as simply as we can has been best. We sadly had to explain a close death to our DSs when they were both under the age of 5 and they both got it. We spent a few months drawing their attention to things like dead bugs or plants emphasising that once upon a time it was alive and moved and grew but now it's died it won't do those things again. The same was linked to the person we lost, they used to love doing many different things but won't be doing them anymore because they've died.

We also were very open about emotions and that knowing we won't see someone again makes us sad and cry, but we wouldn't be sad forever, just while we got used to them not being around any more.

We were very careful not to make any links to sleeping as this can be confusing -people wake up after a sleep! And similarly we didn't use the word gone, as when people go away, they usually come back!!

Hope you can talk openly to your DS about your mum. I think it's important that children know about their family.

My Dad died whilst I was in my 20s, a good six years before I had children. I've always talked about him and he just figured in their lives. We were and are very matter of fact. They just new he'd died and that I missed him. Not in a maudlin way, more of a happy remembering.
Since then all other grandparents have died (including one step). They've again taken it in their stride, although very sad at the time, as death is part of life.

Talking to children about the realities of dying is really important. In a gentle way, of course.

I wish I could remember The name but I heard about an organisation a while ago that dealt with bereavement in young children. The main idea was to totally honest about what causes death "X had a poorly heart and it couldn't pump the blood around his body anymore" and things like that. Yes, I would try to avoid euphemisms where possible and make sure that he understands that they haven't just "gone away" and might come back again.

Really true is the way we go. DD is 6 and knows that people die and don't come back. Grandma and grandpa are old and that means they will die sometime. She is young so won't die for years and years. DMIL died and that made daddy sad. But she loved DD. She seems to be sad then forgets it until she decides to talk about it again.

They all went through a stage, about six months ago at school when they were all obsessed.

Ive had to explain to my 5 year old why his 3 year old sister died, saying you wont die when you are young is wrong, in my book any way. We told our ds that his sister had got poorly, very poorly and the drs had tried their hardest but couldnt do anything. We explained that you usually die when you are very old because your body gets worn out and stops working but sometimes people have accidents or get so ill that their bodies just cant recover from it. In the 3 years since he has asked no more questions but has had to deal with a couple of grandparents deaths were all hes said is, i am sad that they have died, but they were super old mummy. Simplicity and honesty is always the best policy.

OP,

You might find some of the age-appropriate books for small children mentioned in this article (and the readers' suggestions below it) useful:

www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2014/oct/21/-sp-children-death-books-explain-bereavement

So sorry for your loss Phillipa

Place marking as my 4yr old has lots of questions on this and thinks about it a lot

for you Phillips

I came on just to reiterate what a pp said about making sure you never say anything about dying in your sleep or going to sleep and not waking up. To us this is probably the nicest way to die but a kid might end up terrified of falling asleep

I'm sorry you lost your mum so young.

As a Christian, when I lost my dad I explained as pp have said about illness and age but also that grandad has gone to heaven with Jesus. My kids were about 3, 4 & 8. I think that gives them comfort that it's not so final.