DD (9) and DGM clashing - what to do.

[merrygoround51]

I have a bit of an issue with my DM and my DM as they are not getting on at all and as my DM looks after my children 3 days a week this is becoming an issue and I would appreciate some advice.

To give you some backstory;
My DM can be a little challenging shall we say. She is loving and does lots to help but can be quite controlling and really has an issue when someone doesnt heed her advice.

My DD is sensitive but as the eldest grandchild, probably a bit spoiled and unlike her siblings, she isn't terribly caring - its really all about her.

My DD is developing early and I can see that some of her 'moods' are down to hormones but I choose my battles and still pick her up on things like basic manners and kindness.
However my DM cannot seem to at all handle my DDs sensitivities and moods - when she finished school, DD cried about missing her teacher and friends and my DM told her to give this over etc etc. DM said this in front of my aunt who went back to my cousin and said - I think DM is being v harsh on DD. I have also noticed that my DD is pulling away from my DM - doesn't want to be with her at all.

This all came to a head a few weeks ago.
This year my DH couldnt come on the 1st week of our holiday so my DM came instead. Weather and accommodation were poor so that didnt help but the atmosphere between my DD and DM was truly toxic.

My DD was certainly cold towards my DM (which I do not advocate or allow - i always say gran is on her own, we don't want her to be lonely, shes so kind etc etc) and at one time quite rude.

I picked my DD up on this, stating that rudeness is never acceptable but my DM reacted very emotionally and basically avoided us whenever possible - as in came to the pool as we were leaving, wouldn't come to beach etc.

When I returned DM then sat me down to explain how upset she was by DD's coldness. I said I spoke to DD , gave out to her but this didnt seem enough and there was just more and more about how upset DM was. I had to say to DM - DD is a child, I'll manage her behaviour but its important to keep it in perspective.

DM is collecting DD from camp today and I am worried that this whole thing is becoming quite toxic for both of them.

How would you all approach it? I have a DD who is essentially a cold fish (fair enough if thats her personality) and a DM who is all me me me ?

Stop the child-minding arrangement asap.

Your child is not responsible for your mother's happiness. Make sure she knows that (your dd that is).

Having your dm as child carer clearly isn't working. Let your dm go back to just being gm instead and hope the relationship reignites. .
But remember your dm is the grown up here. . .
Dd should be treated the same as the other dc if you yourself say she is spoiled above them. This is why she thinks ruled don't apply to her.

I'm surprised you say your dd isn't terribly caring, when she cried about missing her teacher and friends?

Surely her coldness towards her gm is merely modelling the gm's coldness towards her (as above)?

Tea I suppose what I mean is that she tends to be quite selfish - which is probably more to do with being eldest and spoiled.

Titchy I think this is the issue. I have always felt responsible so now so does DD - hate that its repeating

My DD is sensitive but as the eldest grandchild, probably a bit spoiled and unlike her siblings, she isn't terribly caring - its really all about her.

a DM who is all me me me?

Personalities too closely aligned at the moment (many dc turn increasingly self absorbed once puberty hits) or your DD responding to a situation where she feels that if she doesn't look out for herself then her needs will get lost maybe?

I think the relationship is already toxic, have you asked your DD why she's pulling away from your mum? Seeing her 3x per week plus joining you on holiday is a LOT, especially if their relationship had already hit a downward spiral before the holiday.

In addition to talking about the why's with your DD (without recrimination), I think they need some distance as a matter of urgency - or the relationship may well be irreparable.