At odds over discipline

[Dottie39]

Last weekend my 9 year old played up with being cheeky and answering back. DH wanted to punish her by not allowing her to go to the school disco. This is something she had looked forward to for weeks, was having a group over beforehand to get ready and was a really big deal to her. I felt the punishment was extreme and when it came to it l let her go and punished her by taking away electronics for an evening. DH said I was soft and it was poor parenting. I agree I shouldn't go against his decision as it sends the wrong message to daughter, but not letting her go was a huge overreaction to a bit of cheek and would have devestated her and her friends.

So weekend just gone we are going to the park, daughter wants to wear unsuitable shoes (little heels, unsuitable for park and would get spoilt or she will twist her ankles!) I warn her repeatedly not to wear them and if she does she will not be allowed to play there. I check with DH that he agrees and he does. We get to park and he starts playing on climbing frame with daughter, we have three other children I am looking after.... I remind her she can't play as she had refused to change shoes and DH accuses me of being too hard and to just let her play, this is in front of daughter. Later I ask for an explanation and am again told I am a bad parent for being too hard and ruining family time by disciplining her too harshly.

I know we are messing up by contradicting each other, but we cannot agree on disciplining. I know we are both unreasonable but can anyone help with advice so this doesn't happen again?

Talk about it, calmly and in depth, when the children are not around. He shouldn't be telling you you're a bad parent, as it's not helpful or true. He didn't agree with that particular consequence, which is a different thing altogether. He has said you're too harsh and also too soft! Doesn't make any sense.

You need to agree not to argue about this in front of the children and to back each other up. To help this, you both need to agree on the sort of consequences you'll use, and then agree to stick to them and back each other up.

Fwiw, I think that banning her from the school disco for being cheeky was too harsh, unless she was being very rude and confrontational. Regarding the shoe/park thing, if the shoes were actually dangerous and she refused to take them off I might have kept her at home with one adult whilst the others went to the park. Or taken a change of shoes and stopped her from playing unless she changed.

Thank you. Yes I should have taken different shoes... I calmly warned her several times of the consequence though if she did not change her shoes. She is the eldest of four and currently trying to test boundaries.

It seems DH and I cannot find a middle ground and I feel that whatever I do is criticised as too hard or too soft.