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Parenting

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Relationship struggles with my parents

2 replies

lottietoot · 15/07/2017 21:36

Since DD arrived. I'm not sure if this is the right topic to post in...However I'm really struggling with how to handle my parents and wondered if anyone else has been through something similar and has any advice? DD is 7 months old and I thought things would calm down a bit by now but it's still the same. My parents are controlling, always have been. I'm getting sick of how they are treating me now and am at my wits end.
I love them so much and it would kill me to never talk to them again but they cause me so much stress every time I speak to them or see them. They only ask about when they are seeing DD when I speak to them and constantly push visits. They expect me there several times a week as we live close by but I really like my space and feel that once a week or every other is plenty.
I'm a massive introvert and the ban on relative visits when DD first arrived really angered them, even though DD was unwell and needed emergency surgery at 4 weeks and it was the middle of winter. I was told by specialists at hospital to limit visitors and to be honest seeing people I wouldn't normally see regularly really was the last thing I wanted.
So they basically told everyone in my family I had post natal depression because they felt there needed to be a reason. This massively fucked me off, because I think I actually have had a little bit of post natal depression but it's not their place to discuss it with everyone so publicly . Also I think there are people who really suffer with it and it's a very serious condition, certainly not one to be thrown about lightly as if it's the new in thing. This was confirmed when I went to a family party recently and everyone kept asking "if I was better" Hmm
If they ask what I've done today and say oh I went out for a long walk and picnic with DD they give me attitude and tell me what I should have done...i.e. Invite my Mum. My Dad even said to me "you really need to make an effort with mum because she's the important one in this" when I explained that although it's nice for her to have a good relationship with DD, she had her time when she had us and actually its MY time. I'm made to feel guilty if I don't include them.
I won't go round and visit now without my DH because they don't do this in front of him and I'm now being accused of being rude not visiting on my own. They think he's being odd about me being there alone...When I'm actually begging him to go with me every time!! Sorry for the rant I'm just so frustrated with being pissed off every time we have contact and really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 21:40

You need to put boundaries in place... and fast!

Start hanging up with the guilt trip starts, arrange one visit per week and stand firm that it is plenty, that you need time for yourself and your and DDs needs come before theirs.

I'd honestly consider moving away tbh.

Read up about FOG and toxic parents - it isn't that you love them it's Fear Obligation and Guilt to keep them happy because that it what you have been trained to do.

LuckyinOctober · 15/07/2017 22:25

That sounds really hard - have you had or would you consider having counselling to talk it all through? Just thinking its hard to change family relationship patterns even if you know they are toxic unless you're sure you understand them fully and know exactly what you want and how to get it. Unpacking that needs time and support. On a more immediate practical note using assertiveness techniques and enlisting back up from your OH and any sympathetic family members might help?

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